The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Ok 

Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.

We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had. 

Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better. 

Family doesn’t always have to be blood.

Last night I was really upset and emotional because of my so called family. Today it wasn’t much better to start with, I shouldn’t be surprised by the way i get treated by family but it still hurts. I have a handful of very good close friends one of them happens to be an ex going back 10 years ago but we remained friends he’s now married to another one of my close friends. Anyway he’s the kind of friend that doesn’t really do serious but normally makes me smile by being daft. I got a very touching heartwarming message from him this morning because he’s known me 16 years now he knows my family well. He was disgusted by what my family have done over the years. More so this last year with everything I’ve been through with my youngest son.

The message made me cry because it was so sweet what he said to me “don’t be dragged down by others. Concentrate on the people that are in your life supporting you and who are there for you. Yes your family should be playing that role but it’s their loss not being involved. Your kids have plenty of loving people around them and although your family should be stepping it up to support you, take it from the people who are choosing to be there for you – the ones that don’t have to. They are your family. They say you can’t choose your family – but you can. People don’t have to be blood related to be apart of your family. Don’t dwell on who’s not there as it will push you away from who is” he’s right I can choose my family. My best friend I always refer to as my sister. She might not be blood but who said blood has to be thicker then water. She has been there for me through everything for 16 years and I’ve been there for her too. 

I have another friend I met through my mum many years ago but she has been a very good friend to me, I’ve been on the phone to her many times in tears and she’s talked to me about everything telling me how strong I was when I felt so incredibly weak. I didn’t feel strong but somehow she knew I was stronger then ever I thought I could be. She’s been an incredible friend to which I’ll never forget. I hope she knows how grateful I am to her.

Another friend said to me she can be my little sister well to be fair I see her more then I do my actual sister’s and she’s been there more in the last year then my “real” family.

So yes family doesn’t always have to be blood related they don’t have to be there to support me but still choose to be. I love my friends dearly i don’t know where I’d be without them. 💜

 

 

My promises to my children

This is coming from me finding out my mum is going on holiday when it’s my youngest boys first birthday. My mum has always favoured my sister and always made me feel like I’m not wanted. My sisters two boys are also favoured over my two. She never offers to help me with them, never has them overnight or spends time alone with them. So growing up feeling left out all the time and even feeling like that now this is my promise to my kids.

I promise my boys to always love them unconditionally, to protect them from harm and to always make them feel special. I’m not a perfect mother and I make mistakes more then I care to admit but I promise my children that i will always be there for them day or night. I’ll be there whenever they need me for whatever reason.

I promise to tell them every single day that I love them and let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. I want them growing up knowing they can tell me anything and they can talk to me about everything. I promise to hold them tight and wipe away their tears when someone breaks their heart for the first time. I will do my very best to the the mum they deserve every day so they grow up feeling loved. They will grow up never feeling like a mistake. Never feeling pushed out or that I love one more then the other because I love them both equally. My boys are the most important thing in my life and nothing and no-one will ever come close. When they have kids of their own I’ll be there every step of the way. I’ll look after their children without notice and do whatever I can to help through good times and bad.

I never want my kids to feel the way I do. Never being able to talk to your mum. My mum not knowing what I’ve been through or going through. She doesn’t know I still get support and that I still talk to people to get help. I’ve lived a very lovely life not having help from my mum and it’s sad because I sometimes wish I had someone else’s mum. My best friends mum was there for me when my mum should have been. My mums friend (now my friend) was there for me when my mum wasn’t. I sit here crying thinking of all the times my mum should have been there but wasn’t. Other people have been filling her role wether they are friends or professionals and they have been the ones listening to me when I had no-one else.