Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot.
I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me.
Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around.
After the support meeting with T from LRC I sent my husband this great long message and I was honest with him. I opened up to how I’d been feeling. I don’t mean to shut him out I just close off. I don’t know how to find the words to tell him what’s going on in my head. I’m afraid of getting no where with it, afraid of what he would say or not say.
This is what I wrote to him and bared my soul:
You know I have support from HS that’s still on going. I’ve been having support meetings with someone from LRC to get help with dealing with things from my past. I’ve been to see her today. I’m also now getting support from this new health visitor again because I’ve not been coping with things that well. I barely sleep, most days I’m not eating a great deal and when I’m in my room on my own I cry most nights. I write a blog, I colour and I write in my book. I keep it all to myself because I’m afraid of telling you how much of a mess I am. I’m not the person you married 3 years ago I’m broken.
His reply surprised me he seemed to take it all on board and think he appreciated that I’d actually been honest with him. One of my biggest faults is keeping things from him and not letting him into parts of my life. He said how he wanted to help in anyway he can, he wants me to talk to him about stuff however big or small. This is a massive breakthrough for us we’ve never been great at communicating with each other. He says everything right everything I needed to hear from him. It makes it more important to me as it makes me feel like I can open up to him more now. He used to make things all about him and never took anything on board but he’s amazed me in his reaction to all of this. I feel like maybe now we are stronger then we were ever before.
I’ve been keeping a lot of things to myself for months now until recently. I haven’t gone into detail and don’t intend to but I’ve told my husband about the counselling I’m going to have. I feel better now it’s out there it’s one less secret I’m keeping from him. He seemed to be ok with it not asking too many questions which I thought was fab. Only problem is I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me. He’s making me feel like I’m lying to him when I’m not. I am actually going where I say I’m going. I have no interest in any other men. In fact in total honesty I have no interest in my husband either. I have enough going on in my head without anything else being added to it.
With everything going on and how I’m feeling about other things and having counselling I would much rather only think of myself and my children. It sounds selfish and it kind of is but I need to think of myself and my boys not him aswell. I put my kids before myself and there’s only so much affection I have in me that I give it all to them. They need it more. It’s easier to show my children by affection as they don’t expect anything from me in return only my love.
I mentioned that I get a lot of support from various people for my mental health now but the support I’m lacking is from the one person that should be supporting me the most. My husband. As I’ve said before I’m not the greatest at talking but I have tried and failed several times to talk to my husband. Every time I talk to him about anything he always makes it about him and somehow comes off as if he’s got it worse. It’s no competition but here’s what I’ve he to deal with that he hasn’t. We have an older son so while i was in hospital for 3 days after having the baby he was with our other son. When the doctors found the heart murmur i was alone, when they did the ecg I was alone and when they did the echo on his heart again I was alone. Then the diagnosis came and once again I was alone.
A couple of weeks after the baby was born he went to work full time and there was me on my own 5 days a week with a newborn and a nursery age child. I dealt with everything alone while he was at work. Nurses coming in to check sats and our health visitor coming to weigh the baby once a week. I did it all alone. I went to the hospital appointments to the cardiologist alone too. I’m not saying he didn’t feel things too but he didn’t have to deal with what I death with on a daily basis.
When things turned into an emergency situation and the baby was rushed into hospital he stayed at home and looked after the older boy while i once again dealt with doctors and nurses and had more sleepless nights. I slept in a chair next to his bed that’s when I actually slept. I slept with my head leant over on to his bed for the first few nights and was in hospital for just over 2 weeks. They came to the specialist hospital but still I was alone most of the time. When we came home once again he returned to work and I was the one dealing with hospitals and getting the other boy to school. Booking hospital transport arranging someone to be there for the older boy. Missing him and not spending time with him as much as I wanted with going back n forth to hospital.
Now when I’ve tried to talk to him several times and failed I gave up trying. I write a mood diary every night for one person to read to see how I’m doing and what I can improve on. It’s my therapy. It’s private I let one person read it and only that one person. So I caught my husband reading my book I confronted him a day he came up with some pretty pathetic excuses and turned it round to say how bad he was feeling. I told him under no uncertain terms it was private and asked for respect of that privacy. He’s once again breached my privacy and read my book cover to cover. So right now I’m nothing short of pissed off and upset. There’s no point confronting him again it clearly had no affect last time. I’m sad that he felt the need to read my personal things. I know some will say there should be no secrets in marriage but it’s not like i haven’t tried to tell him everything he just doesn’t want to listen. He’s got it much worse then me why would he listen?