Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
As always I come to this blog to get what’s in my head out. It’s how I deal with things. People don’t have to read it or relate to it if they don’t want to. It’s just my space to say what I want, to write freely and be the real me. Honesty and no fakeness. The only place I feel I can be myself. So I basically come on here tonight just to post an update so in a year or 2 I can look back when I’m better and think “wow that’s how I did it, that’s how I beat anxiety and depression”
Well I can’t believe my youngest is 17 months old and I’ve had to look at nurseries for him already 😞. I had a look round one on Thursday and got a feel for it. The staff were all really nice and as coincidence has it the nursery manager has a daughter with autism and a heart defect. So she has some understanding about it and her daughter has the same cardiologist as my son. Small world. To coincide with my counselling sessions I have him booked in for this coming Friday. I’m so nervous we have a taster session on Wednesday then physio comes.
My counselling was hard on Friday well to be fair I wasn’t expecting it to be easy. I had to start from the beginning again (never easy) and had to go into more details about things I’d rather forget. I’ll be having a therapy called relaxation and release where your brain replicates a deep sleep while your awake to process memories and make you remember things you forgot about. It’s not going to be easy and travelling 20 odd miles by train alone don’t help either. Been given info and told something a friend mentioned to me before. PTSD. Common in cases of trauma of any kind. Add that to my list of things wrong with me.
Hopefully in about 8 weeks time I’ll be feeling better about things and I’ll be able to move on from it all. Hopefully seeing as my post natal depression seems to be under control at the mo I’ll be 100 times better then I was. I just need to work on the anxiety bit. That’s the major downfall at the mo. But again once the therapy is finished i’ll hopefully be feeling good s out things and anxiety will subside. One day I hope that I can share my story but for now it’s a closed book. I’ve worked hard to keep certain aspects of my life private and they will stay that way until i feel ready if I ever will. When I go to groups with my children my issues and my children’s health issues are private. Unless they are close friends of mine or the support workers they don’t know anything.
I’ve been hiding behind funny posts and cheerful status updates to hide how I’m actually feeling. I’m already nervous for my “proper” counselling session next week. A trauma counseller with a specialist area. I’m tearful when I’m alone and I can’t help it. I’ve been watching, sharing and commenting on funny posts and videos on social networking sites.
I’ve only ever left my boys and gone out of town once before that was a family members funeral last year that’s nother thing thing playing on my mind.
I don’t know if I’m relying on people too much for support or If I’m getting it right or wether I should be doing it on my own. I just second guess everything and over think everything and think the worst of every situation. It’s been a pretty tough year and a bit. I sometimes wonder how I’m still going, how I’ve not given up and run away despite wanting to several times. I’m disappointed in myself, I’m letting myself down and I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to get through this but I can’t do it alone I’m scared to do it alone but maybe I need to grow up grow a pair and get on with it?!
Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading for a month I started counselling sessions for a traumatic event I suffered as a teenager. I can’t and won’t go into detail, right now too many people I know have my blog and I can’t share my story right now.
I had been feeling anxious since Friday the butterflies and nerves really kicking in on Monday morning. I was in afoul mood and really not much company. Yesterday morning came and I was even more nervous holding back tears all morning. As soon as family group was over I was in tears but I held them off when my auntie came to look after my youngest son. As soon as I left the house to meet my support worker the tears just kept going. I was a nervous wreck, I got to the place I was meeting my support worker and she picked up how I was feeling and tried alot of distraction chat to keep my mind off it.
I got to the place I had my counselling session and I sat nervously waiting for my appointment. The waiting room was dark and dindgy. Not very nice at all. My support worker came in the room with me for real first 5 mins until we got to the personal bits of the from filling she had to leave. She waited on the waiting room for me. The personal questions came and so did the tears. She asked me questions I’d avoided for years. She kept saying the same word over and over again a word I’ve never said and avoided confronting for many years aswell.
I sat and told very personal details to a complete stranger and I sat and cried in front of a complete stranger. I felt very vulnerable and everything felt very raw after the session finished. My eyes were sore from crying, my nose was blocked and my make up was non existent. I was so grateful for my support worker being there waiting for me to come out I needed that. I got a taxi to go pick up my eldest from school and go back home to my youngest then I had to pretend to be normal cook their tea and be their mum. I was grateful to V she came up to my house and she was there until the kids bath time and she went home. I needed her I broke down several times while she was with me and it felt like a huge release.
Once the kids were in bed and asleep the emotions carried on pouring out. My husband wasn’t suppose to know what was going on but the way he was acting it was like he was trying too hard. He was acting weird and it pissed me off. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable but he kept pushing so this morning I snapped at him. I don’t exactly mean to but he soon got the hint. I needed time to get my head around things I’ve told him I have depression he’s suppose to understand if I have a bad day not push me.
My next appointment is next month another month away. So I have time to get my emotions in check and get prepared for next time.