Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot.
I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me.
Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around.
As much as I love Christmas I’m glad it’s all over. Normality is just beginning to come back. My husband went back to work today and it was just me and the boys.
Even though I slept terribly last night I thought today went well. Took my msejf and the oldest boy for our hair cut and it’s something that he doesn’t particularly enjoy. He doesn’t like sitting still and doesn’t like the mini clippers that use around the hairline. He did well actually and treated him to a cake after.
I handled today on my own really well I thought I would struggle with tiredness and anxiety but I didn’t. My friend L came up to see us and the oldest played really well her older 2 children. Quite pleasantly surprised.
I have one more day at home with both boys then my eldest goes back to school on Thursday. My friend V is coming up to get her hair done and after that I’m going to wash my hair and top up the bright pink colour I did last week so it stays nice and bright. I am looking forward to Thursday but also anxious about going back to open door sessions at HS. I know I won’t have someone to talk things through with which is going to be hard and I know my anxiety will build. I just can’t start to confide in someone else because she’s not discreet and that’s no good to me. I’m a private person I don’t want people knowing my issues in the group.
So all that to consider I don’t know what I’m going to do it’s going to be tough. I actually inboxed a distant friend who is a very religious person and has a strong Christian faith. I have so many unanswered questions that I’ve considered going to church to see if I can find some answers. She’s meeting me next week and she’s going to introduce me to the minister. I’ve always been sceptical of religion but I’m intrigued by it now. I’m more a spiritual believer then religious believer.
Anyway that’s my rambling over for tonight.
When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened.
Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If they would think it’s my fault.
I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?