The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Opening up

After the support meeting with T from LRC I sent my husband this great long message and I was honest with him. I opened up to how I’d been feeling. I don’t mean to shut him out I just close off. I don’t know how to find the words to tell him what’s going on in my head. I’m afraid of getting no where with it, afraid of what he would say or not say. 

This is what I wrote to him and bared my soul:

You know I have support from HS that’s still on going. I’ve been having support meetings with someone from LRC to get help with dealing with things from my past. I’ve been to see her today. I’m also now getting support from this new health visitor again because I’ve not been coping with things that well. I barely sleep, most days I’m not eating a great deal and when I’m in my room on my own I cry most nights. I write a blog, I colour and I write in my book. I keep it all to myself because I’m afraid of telling you how much of a mess I am. I’m not the person you married 3 years ago I’m broken. 

His reply surprised me he seemed to take it all on board and think he appreciated that I’d actually been honest with him. One of my biggest faults is keeping things from him and not letting him into parts of my life. He said how he wanted to help in anyway he can, he wants me to talk to him about stuff however big or small. This is a massive breakthrough for us we’ve never been great at communicating with each other. He says everything right everything I needed to hear from him. It makes it more important to me as it makes me feel like I can open up to him more now. He used to make things all about him and never took anything on board but he’s amazed me in his reaction to all of this. I feel like maybe now we are stronger then we were ever before. 

Extra support 

On Thursday we had the new health visitor come for a home visit to seeme about my youngest boys delayed development. She was lovely and very understanding. They are thinking he’s maybe not as delayed as I first thought other then the obvious gross motor that he’s having physio for. 

She’s obviously read my notes as she knew about my eldest sons awaiting diagnosis for autism, she obviously has to read up on the youngest medical history and why he would be delayed. She knew I have post natal depression and anxiety and despite my best efforts to throw her off the scent and say that I was doing ok it didn’t work. I didn’t want them knowing i wasn’t doing well because a few months ago I was fine. I’m just having a low spell. She’s going to come up again and often as I need for extra support as I’m only getting support from home start. Home start are fab and the family support worker we have is amazing. She’s provided no end of help. 

Kind of feel relieved to get more help as it might just prevent that trip to the Drs. Or if I go to the Drs I can say I don’t want to just be handed a prescription and sent on my way. Talking helps me having someone I can chat to now helps someone to reassure me I’m not crazy and the anxiety I feel is normal for what I’ve been through with my youngest. Something like that stays with you seeing your baby on a ventilator never goes away. I’m hoping it will help having someone else to talk to. The only problem I have is she doesn’t know the main cause of my aniexty and low mood at the mo. She doesn’t know I have support meetings with an outside charity. It’s not something I’m sure I can confide in her about. It took along time to tell anyone else I’m not sure I can go through it with someone new again. 

I want and need to talk 

I’ve got to a point in my life where things that stayed buried within me for so long have come out. I’ve also got to the point where now it’s out and I’ve been talking about it I feel the need to keep that going as part of the healing process and moving on from it. The only problem I have is the therapy I was referred to was too intense and I have no-one I can talk to about it all. I have contacted the people that referred me in a hope that I can speak to them but I’m so sick of chasing them up. I know I look and sound desperate but that’s the thing I kind of am. 

One of my closest friends is moving close by to someone I can’t be near and I want to be able to spend time in her new home without feeling afraid or panicked. I really want to move on because it’s holding me back. Maybe I was too haste to cancel therapy. I wanna be free of my past and enjoy my future, I can’t do that until I’m free of what casts a shadow over me. I don’t at the minute have anyone to talk to about it it’s all still stuck inside eating away at me I can’t do it I can’t let it ruin me. 

What do I do? I need some guidance, I need someone to point me in the right direction. I need someone i can talk to but  who? I can’t keep crying over my past I need to accept it and I need to move on. 

I’ve lost my way and I’m struggling to find a way back. I’m controlling my depression but my anxiety still lurks there waiting to come out. I feel like I’m the scared 17 year old again.  

The past 

When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I  made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened. 

Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If  they would think it’s my fault.

I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?