The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Normality in t minus 24 hours

As much as I love Christmas I’m glad it’s all over. Normality is just beginning to come back. My husband went back to work today and it was just me and the boys. 

Even though I slept terribly last night I thought today went well. Took my msejf and the oldest boy for our hair cut and it’s something that he doesn’t particularly enjoy. He doesn’t like sitting still and doesn’t like the mini clippers that use around the hairline. He did well actually and treated him to a cake after. 

I handled today on my own really well I thought I would struggle with tiredness and anxiety but I didn’t. My friend L came up to see us and the oldest played really well her older 2 children. Quite pleasantly surprised. 

I have one more day at home with both boys then my eldest goes back to school on Thursday. My friend V is coming up to get her hair done and after that I’m going to wash my hair and top up the bright pink colour I did last week so it stays nice and bright. I am looking forward to Thursday but also anxious about going back to open door sessions at HS. I know I won’t have someone to talk things through with which is going to be hard and I know my anxiety will build. I just can’t start to confide in someone else because she’s not discreet and that’s no good to me. I’m a private person I don’t want people knowing my issues in the group. 

So all that to consider I don’t know what I’m going to do it’s going to be tough. I actually inboxed a distant friend who is a very religious person and has a strong Christian faith. I have so many unanswered questions that I’ve considered going to church to see if I can find some answers. She’s meeting me next week and she’s going to introduce me to the minister. I’ve always been sceptical of religion but I’m intrigued by it now. I’m more a spiritual believer then religious believer. 

Anyway that’s my rambling over for tonight. 

So called family 

I’ve been thinking about the support I get and how grateful I am to have it. Maybe if my “family” were more helpful or more supportive maybe I wouldn’t rely on these people so much. 

If I had a half decent support network from my mum and sisters instead if being ignored and pushed out I wouldn’t need to talk to a support worker so much. Not that I’m not grateful she’s there because I’ll br forever grateful to her. She’s saved my life and she’s saved my family. She’s my inspiration. I’d love to in a couple of years time use my experience as needing support to support someone else. 

I sit with tears falling down my face wondering why my family ignore me and cast me aside. Wondering why I’m not good enough for them. Why my boys get ignored? Innocent children also get cast aside in favour of my sister. What did they ever do wrong? I’m only good enough when my mum wants her hair colouring or my dad wants Christmas cards writing. None of them have a clue what I’ve gone through in the past, what I’ve been through with my youngest or the daily struggles I face with depression ptsd and anxiety. What did I ever do to deserve being treated the way I get treated by them? Why can’t I have a loving family? Someone to talk to on tough days? Someone to confide in? My mum to understand what I’ve been through, someone to tell me everything will be ok. I don’t have that. I never will. 

My sisters are my two closest friends D and V. D being my big sister and V my little sister. These girls are my family. They love me for who I am flaws and all, they love my boys for exactly who they are. They support me, listen to me when I need a sounding board and they are honest with me. V gets me I can tell her anything and this means to world to me. I can ask her anything and she’ll tell me the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear. She gets me because she herself has mental health issues so we can bounce off each other and support each other. Without the support and the few close friends I have I’ve no idea where I’d be. I just know it would be a very dark place. 

6 weeks

I’ve been giving this self referral some thought for the steps 2 change and decided I’d give it another chance. If I’m gonna feel better about things I’ve got to. 

There’s a few things bothering me though, as far as my knowledge goes you get 6 weeks so basically I’ve gotta go in on week 1 for an hour and tell them my life story. 15 years of self hate and awful memories to relive with a complete stranger then it gives me 5 more weeks to come to terms with everything And your sent on your way again. 

How is 6 sessions going to make anything ok? How can I go in to this session and open up to a complete stranger when it’s so difficult for me? If I were to write it down easy not a problem I do it daily. I write what I need to get out my head. It kinda helps. I hide behind a fake smile hair done and make up done. But no-one bothers to notice  when I don’t do these things. It’s not because I feel comfortable eviugh to do it it’s because it’s my way of saying I’m not as ok as I look. It’s kind of a sign for help. I tried to call my support worker yesterday but no answer twice. I needed someone yesterday my day went to shit. I needed to talk to someone. Anxiety sky rocketed and I was totally and utterly alone. Then I had to pick up my eldest boy and plaster that fake smile back on and pretend everything was fine. 

I struggled today too but had no-one around me. We had a family day out with HS charity in our county. The coach was an hour late and it was packed full of strangers it wasn’t easy. I felt out if my comfort zone with nothing I could do about it. Last drop in session tomorrow so I’m hoping that once my hubby arrives there I can leave the kids with him and go have a chat with my support worker it’s my last chance for a couple of weeks now then it’s all go again the new year with all these referrals. 

Getting somewhere

I kind of feel like I’m getting somewhere with how I’ve been feeling. I’ve had another home support visit from our health visitor. I’ve been very guarded with what I’ve said to her so far about how I’ve been feeling. I actually finally opened up more to her and I got quite tearful talking to her. I wrote things down I wanted to say but I didn’t use them I spoke but along the same lines as I’d written down. She is very understanding and she ms helped me understand why I feel I need to be in control of things. The explanation I was because everything that happened in the past and with my youngest was out if my control I feel I have to have control over other aspects of my life. So the medication once again takes things out of my control which is why I’m so reluctant to take it. 

I’ve agreed to try steps 2 change again despite not getting on with it previously. If I’m gonna help myself get better then I can’t throw any help back in their faces. I want to at least give it a try and see what they can do to help. I’ve tried CBT but I didn’t get on with it. I can see that my anxiety is sometimes totally irrational but I can’t help that it bothers me which is totally frustrating. I’ve been told that because my youngest is 20 months old now it’s not post natal depression. It’s depression anxiety and ptsd. Due to the trauma of my babies health condition and diagnosis.

It’s time to come to terms with this now I don’t be thinking close to his 2nd birthday “this is when our lives got turned upside etc” I wanna think look how far this boy has come. My little superhero that did everything he could to become the beautiful little boy he is now. He fought his fight and won it. Now I need to fight my fight and win it so this little boy gets his mummy at full strength. Once I get past this I can get past everything else and one day I hope I can go back to being more relaxed and anxiety free. 

The downside is now we have this health visitor she’s only allowed so many visits to support me. Once again I’ve built this up and let her in and before long it will be gone again and maybe that will be ok, if I’m strong enough. If I’m not then it’s not going to be ok because I’m getting somewhere. It’s not the other support I have isn’t helpful because it is. It’s just a different level this health visitor is a trained counsellor so she can get more out of me shes got that background. So these people around me mixed together I’m getting the right level of help to move on. It’s been long enough now it’s time to get the old me back. I need to take a hold of these emotions and say fuck you I’m gonna beat you. 

Opening up

After the support meeting with T from LRC I sent my husband this great long message and I was honest with him. I opened up to how I’d been feeling. I don’t mean to shut him out I just close off. I don’t know how to find the words to tell him what’s going on in my head. I’m afraid of getting no where with it, afraid of what he would say or not say. 

This is what I wrote to him and bared my soul:

You know I have support from HS that’s still on going. I’ve been having support meetings with someone from LRC to get help with dealing with things from my past. I’ve been to see her today. I’m also now getting support from this new health visitor again because I’ve not been coping with things that well. I barely sleep, most days I’m not eating a great deal and when I’m in my room on my own I cry most nights. I write a blog, I colour and I write in my book. I keep it all to myself because I’m afraid of telling you how much of a mess I am. I’m not the person you married 3 years ago I’m broken. 

His reply surprised me he seemed to take it all on board and think he appreciated that I’d actually been honest with him. One of my biggest faults is keeping things from him and not letting him into parts of my life. He said how he wanted to help in anyway he can, he wants me to talk to him about stuff however big or small. This is a massive breakthrough for us we’ve never been great at communicating with each other. He says everything right everything I needed to hear from him. It makes it more important to me as it makes me feel like I can open up to him more now. He used to make things all about him and never took anything on board but he’s amazed me in his reaction to all of this. I feel like maybe now we are stronger then we were ever before. 


**Long post warning**

Yesterday I had a support meeting with T my support worker from LRC. I chatted about stuff from the weekend, I chatted about my anxieties over the area he (the person I want to avoid) works in. I had to make a list of all my anxieties however big small or insignificant. If it affects me I needed to say it. It was difficult because until I really thought about it I didn’t know how much aniexty I actually have. And nearly all of it isn’t related to one incident. It’s pretty much all related to around when my youngest was born. I knew it affected me and I knew it was this massive thing but I didn’t realise how massively it actually changed my life. 
I love my baby with all my heart and soul I love both my babies with all that I have. I just got really upset when this came to light. Having a baby is suppose to be this really wonderful amazing thing and it is but with this little one of mine it was the scariest most awful time aswell. 

You get told to expect the worst you get all this bad information drummed into you. He won’t gain weight, he will turn blue, he will struggle to breathe, he won’t thrive, and he will be a really poorly baby. Yet every week and every check up we had for 5 months he did the exact opposite. So now I expect the worst in every situation I’m in. I can’t think about what could go right I instantly think about what could go wrong. 

I have one more support meeting with T this year and it’s probably the last. She’s contacting the lady I had therapy with before cancelling it. To see what is the best way of moving forward. She knows that by having to travel and find childcare and fit it in around school will only cause more anxiety.

I had my review with M from HS my family support worker. It went ok I guess but I’ve stayed on a level until we got to my mental health and emotions. It’s taken a dip so the outcome was lower then the last review. She’s contuing her support which I’m happy with because without them I don’t know where I’d be. They provide what my family should be providing for me. I’d be completely lost without their support. 

After my meeting yesterday I caught up with M again today she wanted to see how things went and how I was feeling. I managed not to cry which is good. I told her about the Drs appointment next week. I told her that seeing as I was afraid to go alone I asked my “little sister” V to come with me. Totally forgetting we’d both have our children with us. (Obviously knew I’d have mine with me) she suggested I could ask V to look after my youngest in the support centre and she would come with me to the Drs. If I wanted her to and she wouldn’t be offended if I said no. I hate asking favours from people I even contacted the childminder to see if she was free if I couldn’t ask V. Another friend says she could do it if V couldn’t as it wouldn’t be long. They are both gonna look after him between them so I can go with M to this appointment. I’m terrified I need to get the confidence to say I don’t want pills I want help. I don’t want to be hanged a prescription and sent on my way. 

I have a lot of support around me now again which I’m so grateful for  I have the new health visitor who is lovely and very understanding I have my family support worker and group support worker and until a few weeks time I have T too. These people make me feel like what I say is normal that how I feel is ok and they say all the right things to make me feel better. They will probably never know how much that helps and how much it means to know I’m not alone.