Autism poem

This morning I cried. This morning I put my head in my hand, and let the tears fall. 
I’m not grieving. 

I haven’t been seriously hurt. 

I don’t feel unloved. 

Or any other obvious reasons to weap. 

I cried because I’m tired. 

No not just tired, it’s way beyond that. 

My body is screaming at me. 

I feel like my body is shutting down bit by bit. 

Tiredness so severe it hurts. 

I’m 10 years into this life, as a parent to a disabled child. 
I’m 2 weeks into the summer holidays. And my body is failing me. 

Imagine running for hours and hours every day of your life, even when you need to stop because your legs are weak, but you can’t. 
You do it day after day, year after year. 

Then a period of time comes (7 weeks long ) when you have to run 20 hours a day on your already weak leg’s , you push and push because you can’t afford to stop. 

Being a parent to a disabled child is running from eyes open to eyes closed, and some in between. 
We can’t just ” get a good night sleep and feel better in the morning ” 
We can’t have a pj and movie day to rest.We can only push and push. ‘ come on body, we can do this ‘ I cry.
I saw this on Facebook just an insight to special needs mums lives. 

Not sorry

Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help. 

We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)

It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise. 

However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit. 

It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs. 

I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it. 

6 weeks

I’ve been giving this self referral some thought for the steps 2 change and decided I’d give it another chance. If I’m gonna feel better about things I’ve got to. 

There’s a few things bothering me though, as far as my knowledge goes you get 6 weeks so basically I’ve gotta go in on week 1 for an hour and tell them my life story. 15 years of self hate and awful memories to relive with a complete stranger then it gives me 5 more weeks to come to terms with everything And your sent on your way again. 

How is 6 sessions going to make anything ok? How can I go in to this session and open up to a complete stranger when it’s so difficult for me? If I were to write it down easy not a problem I do it daily. I write what I need to get out my head. It kinda helps. I hide behind a fake smile hair done and make up done. But no-one bothers to notice  when I don’t do these things. It’s not because I feel comfortable eviugh to do it it’s because it’s my way of saying I’m not as ok as I look. It’s kind of a sign for help. I tried to call my support worker yesterday but no answer twice. I needed someone yesterday my day went to shit. I needed to talk to someone. Anxiety sky rocketed and I was totally and utterly alone. Then I had to pick up my eldest boy and plaster that fake smile back on and pretend everything was fine. 

I struggled today too but had no-one around me. We had a family day out with HS charity in our county. The coach was an hour late and it was packed full of strangers it wasn’t easy. I felt out if my comfort zone with nothing I could do about it. Last drop in session tomorrow so I’m hoping that once my hubby arrives there I can leave the kids with him and go have a chat with my support worker it’s my last chance for a couple of weeks now then it’s all go again the new year with all these referrals. 

Admitting defeat

I’ve not had the best few days or even the best week to be fair, it’s been really tough facing old demons and fighting the low I’ve been feeling. 

Yesterday’s wasn’t doing too well today I’m not doing well at all. I’ve been fighting back tears pretty much all day. I went to the drop in support centre to take my little one to play and hoped to catch my support worker for a chat. As soon as I got there one of the family support workers handed me a leaflet and told me not to worry about ages of development and just look at what my little one can and can’t do. Well that had me in tears I told her about feeling down about other children who are doing so well and she told me not to let it get to me. Then I cried when a friend asked if I was ok, she reassured that my little one was doing brilliantly. I know he is it’s just I’m finding things hard at the mo. I know how well he’s doing 6 months ago he couldn’t sit from laying down and now he’s almost standing at things unaided. I know that but the depression in me is consuming all the good and only showing me the bad. 

I caught my support worker for a talk and cried more. Properly broke down in flooods of tears. I explained that all the anxiety of last week has made me feel so run down, I’m not sleeping well either which then affects everything else. She’s suggested I make a doctors appointment and if I feel in a few weeks I don’t need it I can cancel it. I’ve made it that’s the easy bit, going to the actual appointment if I do decide to go is the hard bit. It’s admitting defeat. Admitting that I do need help from meds. It’s just not me it’s not who I am. I have nothing against anyone who take any form of medication I just choose not to unless I really have to. I guess it’s come to the point where I am having to consider it being an option. I’m grateful I have the support i have. Without their support I honestly don’t know where I’d be. 

Struggling alone 

I have had a really bad few days with my eldest son. I know he’s not diagnosed yet but having an “autistic” child is mentally draining especially when there are other things on my mind.

Today has been horrendous and I feel totally wiped out and alone. I need someone but there’s no-one there. My eldest has been having meltdown after meltdown all day from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed. 

I am trying my hardest to be positive and I’m trying my hardest not to let my depression affect him. I try everyday to calm him down when he’s on one but I’m failing. Even when my husband is home I’m still alone he spends like an hour with the kids then it’s night time routine and then they are in bath and bed. He gets angry too easily and starts effin at the boy. Like that’s gonna help. I’ve been on my own with both of the boys for 3 weeks. It’s so hard. I can’t keep struggling alone I need help. I need someone to help me. I need someone to talk to when I can’t cope. It’s day after day of endless struggle feeling like I’m being watched all the time. People judging me. 

Physio turned up today at the drop in I go to on a Monday morning this just fueled my anxiety and my ability to cope. No warning no preparation. Everyone watching me as these two women turn up and start moving my youngest around and getting him to stand and announcing to the room how well I’ve done. I was ready for crying. It’s the last thing I needed which is why I cancelled her coming. 

I lost it tonight I just broke down in tears. I plaster on the fake smile and pretend I’m dealing with things the truth is I’m a mess. I’m alone, I’m scared of feeling the way I do. I’m lost, I’m alone and I’m cracking under pressure. Tonight I actually thought about what it would be like to hurt myself to see if I would feel better. I haven’t done but the scary thing is I thought about it.

 I have counselling tomorrow providing it’s not cancelled and I’m scared of dealing with my past. I’m crying. I’m alone I don’t want to be. I need someone…. Anyone.