Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot.
I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me.
Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around.
Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.
We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had.
Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
Today has been the worst day I’ve had with my 5 year old. The day started so well he’s always an early riser so it was really good that he slept in until after 7. We decided to catch the bus into town so from the moment we got to the bus stop he started acting up. Using coat to clean the shelter windows when we told him several times not to. Got into town itself and the behaviour carried on. It’s like a demon possessed him or something. He’s had meltdown after meltdown all day. I’m losing the will to live today I’ve had it to my limit with him. He was up Thursday night sick from coughing so Friday I couldn’t send him to school so I’m guessing this is backlash from a day off school. He has a chest infection so he’s on antibiotics for a week so the fact he’s poorly as well could be stirring things up. Today has been hell and I’ve barely kept it together. I could have walked out the house tonight and not come back that’s how stressed I’ve been. People don’t see this family don’t see this. They don’t see what I have to contend with when something changes. Whoever thinks parenting is hard they should try parenting an autistic child then they would see how hard it is.
My eldest started back at school last Thursday after 6 weeks off I expected the worst. To my surprise he actually had a really good few days. He got the most dojo points over thursday and Friday so he got to bring the class teddy bear (Bobby bear) home for the weekend. It was going brilliantly he came out of school yesterday with a big smile saying “no tears today mummy” I was so proud.
Today on the other hand hadn’t gone aswell. The tears I expected on the first day back happened today. He went into school upset and crying. I don’t know what triggered him but something upset him. He came out if school early for his eye test at the hospital, came out happy enough and did well on his eye test.
Got home and he tried a new food so I gave him a certificate for doing so well and he even offered to look after his brother for me while i did some housework. Again it was going great unti he dropped his Lego and it all kicked off again from there. He was angry with me for breaking his Lego. Although it wasn’t my fault he kicked off in spectacular style. No end of crying and hitting himself and shouting.
Just as I thought I’d cracked it and maybe I was getting somewhere with him this curve ball gets thrown at me. As if all this wasn’t enough to deal with my husband comes home from work rolls his eyes at me cause it’s kicked off. Like I’m suppose to stop it happening. He spent less then 2 hours with the kids and he’d had enough of them screaming and crying. Welcome to the fucking club mate I’ve been at all fucking day long. No lunch break no tea break no nothing. Just two mardy screaming kids to contend with.
I have had a really bad few days with my eldest son. I know he’s not diagnosed yet but having an “autistic” child is mentally draining especially when there are other things on my mind.
Today has been horrendous and I feel totally wiped out and alone. I need someone but there’s no-one there. My eldest has been having meltdown after meltdown all day from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed.
I am trying my hardest to be positive and I’m trying my hardest not to let my depression affect him. I try everyday to calm him down when he’s on one but I’m failing. Even when my husband is home I’m still alone he spends like an hour with the kids then it’s night time routine and then they are in bath and bed. He gets angry too easily and starts effin at the boy. Like that’s gonna help. I’ve been on my own with both of the boys for 3 weeks. It’s so hard. I can’t keep struggling alone I need help. I need someone to help me. I need someone to talk to when I can’t cope. It’s day after day of endless struggle feeling like I’m being watched all the time. People judging me.
Physio turned up today at the drop in I go to on a Monday morning this just fueled my anxiety and my ability to cope. No warning no preparation. Everyone watching me as these two women turn up and start moving my youngest around and getting him to stand and announcing to the room how well I’ve done. I was ready for crying. It’s the last thing I needed which is why I cancelled her coming.
I lost it tonight I just broke down in tears. I plaster on the fake smile and pretend I’m dealing with things the truth is I’m a mess. I’m alone, I’m scared of feeling the way I do. I’m lost, I’m alone and I’m cracking under pressure. Tonight I actually thought about what it would be like to hurt myself to see if I would feel better. I haven’t done but the scary thing is I thought about it.
I have counselling tomorrow providing it’s not cancelled and I’m scared of dealing with my past. I’m crying. I’m alone I don’t want to be. I need someone…. Anyone.