The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

6 weeks

I’ve been giving this self referral some thought for the steps 2 change and decided I’d give it another chance. If I’m gonna feel better about things I’ve got to. 

There’s a few things bothering me though, as far as my knowledge goes you get 6 weeks so basically I’ve gotta go in on week 1 for an hour and tell them my life story. 15 years of self hate and awful memories to relive with a complete stranger then it gives me 5 more weeks to come to terms with everything And your sent on your way again. 

How is 6 sessions going to make anything ok? How can I go in to this session and open up to a complete stranger when it’s so difficult for me? If I were to write it down easy not a problem I do it daily. I write what I need to get out my head. It kinda helps. I hide behind a fake smile hair done and make up done. But no-one bothers to notice  when I don’t do these things. It’s not because I feel comfortable eviugh to do it it’s because it’s my way of saying I’m not as ok as I look. It’s kind of a sign for help. I tried to call my support worker yesterday but no answer twice. I needed someone yesterday my day went to shit. I needed to talk to someone. Anxiety sky rocketed and I was totally and utterly alone. Then I had to pick up my eldest boy and plaster that fake smile back on and pretend everything was fine. 

I struggled today too but had no-one around me. We had a family day out with HS charity in our county. The coach was an hour late and it was packed full of strangers it wasn’t easy. I felt out if my comfort zone with nothing I could do about it. Last drop in session tomorrow so I’m hoping that once my hubby arrives there I can leave the kids with him and go have a chat with my support worker it’s my last chance for a couple of weeks now then it’s all go again the new year with all these referrals. 

Outcome 

Well I didn’t cancel my appointment I went, I explained the best I could how I’d been feeling and the outcome was just to be handed a prescription and sent on my way. I wish I’d have felt less anxious and more courage to say what I wanted instead of being too upset. I told him all the anxiety stemmed from my youngest son heart defect diagnosis. He didn’t care he just sent me on my way. I explained I was concerned about the side effects of taking tablets he didn’t care. Why is it so difficult to get help? Proper help? It’s no wonder so many people still take anti depressants years down the line it’s not because they don’t want to change it’s because they got sent away with pills and no help. So these people have no option but to go along with it. 

I’m disappointed I didn’t get the result I wanted. More disappointed that I couldn’t speak up and tell him I don’t want meds. I’ve been told it’s possibly ptsd. Having a normal healthy pregnancy and having a normal healthy baby seemingly for 2 days then bam ” your baby has a heart defect” life turned upside down. All that excitement turned to fear and anxiety. Not understanding fully what I was being told they should have made sure I understood and I fully caught grasp of the situation. 

I honestly think if it was picked up in pregnancy I would have known what to expect. I would have had time to prepare and tell people he would be born poorly. It’s all just been a massive whirlwind blur. I look at pictures of him as a newborn and tiny baby and I can’t honestly remember those days it’s all one big blur. It’s sad I can’t remember it. I need help to unlock my mind and properly come to terms with it. He will always have a heart defect repaired or not. He will always need to be under the care of a cardiologist even as an adult. It’s not something that ever goes away. People don’t realise this fact. Surgery doesn’t cure a heart defect it repairs it the defect is always there. 

Yesterday. 

**Long post warning**

Yesterday I had a support meeting with T my support worker from LRC. I chatted about stuff from the weekend, I chatted about my anxieties over the area he (the person I want to avoid) works in. I had to make a list of all my anxieties however big small or insignificant. If it affects me I needed to say it. It was difficult because until I really thought about it I didn’t know how much aniexty I actually have. And nearly all of it isn’t related to one incident. It’s pretty much all related to around when my youngest was born. I knew it affected me and I knew it was this massive thing but I didn’t realise how massively it actually changed my life. 
I love my baby with all my heart and soul I love both my babies with all that I have. I just got really upset when this came to light. Having a baby is suppose to be this really wonderful amazing thing and it is but with this little one of mine it was the scariest most awful time aswell. 

You get told to expect the worst you get all this bad information drummed into you. He won’t gain weight, he will turn blue, he will struggle to breathe, he won’t thrive, and he will be a really poorly baby. Yet every week and every check up we had for 5 months he did the exact opposite. So now I expect the worst in every situation I’m in. I can’t think about what could go right I instantly think about what could go wrong. 


I have one more support meeting with T this year and it’s probably the last. She’s contacting the lady I had therapy with before cancelling it. To see what is the best way of moving forward. She knows that by having to travel and find childcare and fit it in around school will only cause more anxiety.

I had my review with M from HS my family support worker. It went ok I guess but I’ve stayed on a level until we got to my mental health and emotions. It’s taken a dip so the outcome was lower then the last review. She’s contuing her support which I’m happy with because without them I don’t know where I’d be. They provide what my family should be providing for me. I’d be completely lost without their support. 

After my meeting yesterday I caught up with M again today she wanted to see how things went and how I was feeling. I managed not to cry which is good. I told her about the Drs appointment next week. I told her that seeing as I was afraid to go alone I asked my “little sister” V to come with me. Totally forgetting we’d both have our children with us. (Obviously knew I’d have mine with me) she suggested I could ask V to look after my youngest in the support centre and she would come with me to the Drs. If I wanted her to and she wouldn’t be offended if I said no. I hate asking favours from people I even contacted the childminder to see if she was free if I couldn’t ask V. Another friend says she could do it if V couldn’t as it wouldn’t be long. They are both gonna look after him between them so I can go with M to this appointment. I’m terrified I need to get the confidence to say I don’t want pills I want help. I don’t want to be hanged a prescription and sent on my way. 

I have a lot of support around me now again which I’m so grateful for  I have the new health visitor who is lovely and very understanding I have my family support worker and group support worker and until a few weeks time I have T too. These people make me feel like what I say is normal that how I feel is ok and they say all the right things to make me feel better. They will probably never know how much that helps and how much it means to know I’m not alone.