Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
I woke up stupidly early this morning feeling extremely anxious. I didn’t have a great nights sleep too much flying around in my mind. Tomorrow we have a trip out with home start, I’m half looking forward to it and half dreading it. I have the worst feeling that my eldest is going to hate it and it will just ruin the day. I want him to have fun and I want to enjoy it myself too without over thinking every move and what we can do that won’t “scare” him. I know tomorrow will be a disaster and that everyone will see his meltdowns and be watching me to see what I do.
These holidays ate hard it’s tiring it’s frustrating and it’s exhausting. I’m mentally exhausted and it’s taking its toll. Today I’ve felt so down since I got home this afternoon, so alone, fed and down. I feel guilty that I’ve told my husband to take the kids upstairs so I can be on my own. I’m sat in tears. 9 and a half hours on my own with the kids 5 days a week. Last week was hard work my husband goes on about how much he’s missed the kids but would rather wash up the pots then spend an extra half an hour with them.
My husband says he gets that I have depression he reckons he has depression himself I dont believe he does it’s an excuse for whatever he can use it for. He says he understands that I sometimes don’t feel great but he doesn’t. If he did he wouldn’t ask what the matter is he would just get it and help out. Asking why I want time to myself well he would know if he spent more then 2 hours alone with them. It’s a week away but counselling is playing on my mind. There’s no point telling him he just wouldn’t get it it would just be shrugged off. I’ve got 4 more weeks of holidays then settling the eldest back into school. It’s gonna be so hard and I can’t do it alone but I’m going to have to.
Due to the amount of damage and breakage on my hair I made the bold decision to cut it short. I hate it. I hated it when I left the salon I cried. It had to be cut off there was no other option. I don’t look or feel like me anymore. My hair was the one thing I always took pride in although it wasn’t long I always made my hair look it’s best. Anything less then perfect wouldn’t do.
There’s another reason I don’t like my hair so short it takes me back to a very unhappy time in my life. It brings back too many memories I try hard to forget until my counselling sessions come along. I have a story to tell I have my deepest darkest secrets to shed light on they’ve been buried within me for too long. This hair cut just brings things up to the surface. I feel like I’m seeing that scared broken person again. I’m trying very hard to see the positives in the hair cut but I’m struggling. I hope that it might help me overcome the Trichotillomania but only time will tell.
Reading the news today saddens me the NHS ate cutting the heart surgeries at Glenfield hospital in Leicester. I like to keep personal details and names off this blog to keep it anonymous but this called for mentioning.
I’m disgusted and shocked and sad that NHS have come to this decision. My youngest was 4 months old when we first went there. We went to look around the congenital heart centre, speak to the surgeon and look around the ward. It was the first time we met the cardiac liaison nurses. They were all extremely helpful and friendly.
At 5 months my baby had his operation after an emergency admission. We met the surgeon he talked through the procedure and sat with us and talked to us like he has probably hundreds of other scared parents. Nothing was too much trouble to him through he drew diagrams he explained it over and over until we understood. The nurses on ward 30 were so incredibly lovely. A few we saw several times and they took great care of my little one. They told me to go and rest when I was exhausted from staying by his bed. They got me tissues everytime I cried, they say with my baby played with him and told him how beautiful he is.
It was the worst time of my like but I won’t forget the kindness of the nurses and doctors I trusted with the life of my child. It’s not a place I ever want to go back to but that hospital has saved so many lives. I’ve always been told “once a Glenfield baby always a Glenfield baby” I hope it’s true. I hope all Glenfield heart families band together and fight the decision.
After having my first son I always said I wouldn’t have anymore children. My circumstances were different back then I had spilt up from my partner before our son was born. Even though I said no more children I always kept his cot just in case. Then in 2015 I decided I wanted another baby this time around I’m married I’m more secure and things were gonna be different. Me and my partner got back together when our son was 7 months old got engaged and got married. After all I’ve been through with my youngest as much as I love him I couldn’t do it again. It’s put me off having more children even though I’d maybe have had one more.
The final nail in the coffin in that decision is selling the cot I once held onto for 4 years before having another child. I feel sad because it’s almost official now. No more babies from me 😢