Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

Taking things to heart 

I tried very hard today not to let someone’s comments about my parenting bother me but it upset me and the person saying this things only knows me in a baby group setting and by the information I share with her which isn’t a lot. These people hardly know me but still choose to make comments possibly without thinking how it can affect the person they say it too.


I’ve overcome much worse in my life but I’ve had enough going on without people making out I’m a bad parent. I try my hardest every single day to be the best mum I possibly can to my children and some days it’s easier then others. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be perfect but I believe I’m a good mum. I put my children first in every decision I make every day. With everything I’ve had to deal with I’ll admit I’ve done things wrong. And probably made some things harder for myself but with the life I’ve been given I believed at that time it was the right thing to do.

I was reduced to tears today because I just feel that this person is making me feel like nothing I do is good enough nothing I do is right. I can’t go somewhere to be made to feel like this. I have worked my arse off to feel better and I don’t want to get dragged back down again. I’ve got some great friendships and people have been so incredibly understanding and even the people I’ve only known for a few months have been great. 

So I do things differently, so I’ve made mistakes. I am only human. People are so quick to judge me but they haven’t lived my life and they aren’t the ones trying to deal with things like I am.

I needed to get a good sleep at night and I needed to know my little boy was safe and to me that meant he slept in my bed and still does now. I still have anxiety issues I need to work on but it’s one more thing to overcome when he goes into his own room. Advice I can take on board criticism I can’t.

My worry about speaking out about this upsetting me is people thinking I’m being over sensitive because I suffer from depression. Feeling stupid because someone upset me over such stupid little things. But all  those stupid little things add up and it plays in my mind and it gets to me. They don’t hear the comments I get about a one year old not crawling, they don’t see the judgemental looks I get when I say my one year old can’t crawl or the looks I get when my 5 year old struggles in a setting and he can’t express his emotions and gets frustrated. I wanted to speak someone so I did and she has known me a year now and has helped me through everything she’s not a friend but a professional person. She said she had no concerns at all over what I’m doing if she did she’s bold enough to say it to me.

I do feel stupid for ringing her but I needed to talk to someone about how I felt. I’m lucky that if I continue to feel the way I do that she will help me and get it resolved.

 I don’t want to stop going places I get support from and a place where I did made 2 new friendships and helped an existing friendship become stronger but if she makes me feel like crap anymore I will just stop going.

I feel like a new person 

Everything a year ago in honesty was pretty shit I was having an extremely tough time coping alone. I’d been through hell and back. But today I feel like a new person. Something I never thought I’d say again.

I’m actually loving my life right now things feel so great. I have some great support around me and I have a couple of new friendships that blossomed from the place I go for support and I’m actually enjoying spending time with my friends. I text or message them on a daily basis I arrange plans and keep them. I’ve been spending time alone and letting my husband do more with the boys. 

All trivial things to someone else but massive achievements to me. I’ve had 2 nights “out” drinks at a friends house leaving the kids in bed. I actually have a social life. It’s an Incredible feeling. In 5 weeks I’ve completely turned my life around. I feel so different so much better and a little bit more confident.

I couldn’t spend time alone at all now I actually enjoy coming home and spending time with the baby on my own. I’m eating more and  I haven’t skipped a meal for the last few weeks. I love the change in me and I’m glad it’s not going unnoticed. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and I don’t want anything to change that. Before the baby’s check  up I couldn’t look to the future I had a year of uncertainty. A year of wondering what was next but I just love each day as it comes now. I feel like I have made massive improvements to my life and how I think and feel. 

I’ve made huge accomplishments like going out without make up on a few times. Caring less about having to do my hair. Wearing different styles of clothing I never had the confidence to wear. I haven’t done this alone I’ve had a great support network behind me while I get my life back. One person is missing and we are missing her but I hope that one day when she’s feeling better she will come see us again. But I hope she knows that she’s helped me so much along with others. I’m enjoying my life and I hope it’s gonna stay this way. 

It’s all down to the people I have around me without them I don’t know where i’d be but it wouldn’t be here where I am now doing what I’m doing now. They are so incredible. 

The end of all that was bad. 

Yesterday marked the end of the year that has been the hardest year of my life. I never want to go through what we went through oth our youngest son ever again. There have been some good moments it hasn’t all been bad but it’s not been great. It’s been during this time I’ve learnt who said they were there for me and proved it. My friends and professional support have been amazing and incredibly supportive when my family weren’t. I’ve never needed anyone before like I’ve needed people this last year and I’m forever grateful to those who I cried down the phone to, late night tweeted my worries and fears to or chatted to to make me forget things for a while. 

The check up with the cardiologist went brilliantly I feared the worst for no reason as it turns out. My little superhero as I call him still has a residual VSD but in time it may just close itself up. 

Going to the hospital I felt extremely nervous, i felt sick and despite reassurance from friends thatmy little one would be fine I couldnt believe it until he had all his checks and his echo. The best possible news we could have been given is that he is doing brilliantly. My little fighter is just fine. He will obviously need follow up care for the rest of his life but I can deal with 1 day every year to go and get check ups. There are 364 other days where I can just enjoy my children and be a family that doesn’t have to worry about oxygen sats, echo’s and ecg’s.

It’s marked the end of the year from hell now it’s a fresh start our new beginning starting all the birthday celebrations today.


My little boy turned one he had no idea what was going on but we made it special for him. We needed it to be as proper celebration like he has been born again.


We helped him open all his presents and cards, then we took a cake to a baby play group where all his friends are and celebrated with them. We then came home and had a visit from my parents and some friends. As per usual family weren’t the ones making the day special it was my friends. They came up with their children to play and have cake. They made so much effort I’ll be forever grateful to them. These people are my “family” all of them. They got me through the tough times and have been there through the good times too. Along with the all the support I’ve had I’ll be forever grateful to these people because without it I wouldn’t be where I am now. I finally feel free of everything that’s weighted me down. I feel like a new person. The person i wanted to be for this special day. It’s a new beginning for my family and I can wait to start our new adventures and leave the past behind us. Yesterday I cried with relief with being given good news, today I have cried happy emotional tears. It’s my baby’s first ever birthday and I’ve created some wonderful new memories to replace the old.


 

Where there’s darkness there’s light 


After such dark lonely period of my life I’m searching for the positives in everyday. I try not to look on the negatives although sometimes it’s hard not to. Still thinking about the hospital visit on Thursday but trying not to panic too much. I’m keeping myself busy and  enjoying things with my boys. A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to be in positive frame of mind so I’m glad I’m feeling stronger to cope with things better.

We are missing someone who comes to see us, doesn’t seem right not seeing her. I hope she knows we haven’t forgotten her or that we have replaced her. 

Feeling stronger

Since I made the decision to get my life back I’ve been feeling so much better and stronger. I feel amazing. I’m pushing myself in a good way to see what my limits are. I find I’m being more open about the youngest and the depression I had recently. I’ve not been such a closed book and I feel like being able to talk about stuff is what’s helping me feel that bit stronger. 

It’s nice feeling like the dark cloud I had looming over me for so long is finally going. I feel more positive and what’s on the inside must be showing on the outside because I’m being told how well I look.  I honestly can’t believe the change in me from how I felt a few weeks ago. I definitely feel like my spirit is back. I’m actually doing things on my own with support for back up. It feels so good knowing it’s not fake or forced when I’m smiling now it’s genuine how I feel is genuine. I also feel like I’m dealing with things around me alot easier. It’s easier to make and keep plans with friends, I spend more time at home which I feel quite proud of myself for because a few months ago I couldn’t be at home for any length of time. I let my husband do more with the kids now then I did before which speaks volumes in my world. 

So far I haven’t dipped down but I feel that if I do I’m strong enough to cope and pull myself through it. I’m eating quite well too which I feel is another dramatic change in me. A few weeks ago I felt weak, I felt defeated and I’d lost myself completely. I’d felt extremely low I’d not felt like that in a long time. Now I feel so much better and dare I say it I feel happy and content within myself. I feel secure about how I’m feeling and how I’m handling things. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life and celebrating my little superheroes birthday in less then 2 weeks. I look forward to the day I can say I’m over it all and how I used to be depressed. I’m getting there and that day doesn’t feel too far away anymore. 

Failure 

This week has been an incredibly hard week for me. The worst part is the struggle to talk about why it was so hard. I hate lying to people and hate keeping things from the people who are there to support me but it’s something I’ve never been able to talk about. Something happened a very long time ago and I thought I had dealt with it (my way as per usual) but it’s come back to light and I’m finding it hard to deal with it aswell as having the anxiety and depression. I went to talk to one of the people who supports me on Tuesday I was so tearful and tense I broke down. Because of everything that’s come back into my life I had to go on to medication as per advice given on Tuesday. I feel like everything I’ve worked for has been for nothing which then makes me feel even worse. I feel like I’ve failed myself I wanted all this over by my babies first birthday next month and well that ain’t happening now.

Until recent events I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was winning but having to go on medication and go to the doctors was admitting defeat in my eyes. I wanted to do it my way and I was doing well. But unfortunately I see their point I was in a proper state. I’ve barely eaten I was honest and told them that. But people keep going on at me. I can’t force myself to eat if I don’t feel like it. People trying to encourage me to eat also won’t work. It puts too much pressure on me and I hate that they all say they are concerned about my eating. It’s how I cope I’m fine and I’m not in denial. When I feel good I can eat when I don’t I can’t.

I’ve had a fair few panic attacks or anxiety attacks this week, I’ve been extremely low and I’ve not much been able to pick myself up from it. Pretty hard to admit this aswell. I have the need to comtrol things in my life and I can’t cope with loss of control which I guess is one reason why I don’t want medication low dose or not.

People around me know I didn’t want medication and knew I didn’t want to take it. It took some convincing.

 I had to tell my best friend that I’ve had all this going on and I’m so very lucky that the few friends I have are very supportive. I’d be lost without them.

I feel like I’m splitting myself into two lives one were people know about the depression or know the full story and I get support and the life where no-one knows and I’m expected to happy and cheery all the time and it’s hard work putting on the pretence all the time. Especially when I really don’t feel strong enough to fake a smile. Sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my voice there’s a reason for almost everything and tell people what’s going on in my life but I actually like to stay private. It’s just so hard to live these lives and I feel like I’m failing big time.