Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

Not sorry

Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help. 

We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)

It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise. 

However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit. 

It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs. 

I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it. 

Torn 

I managed to keep myself together today after yesterday, I’ve been out with my little one to the open door group so it was a nice distraction from over thinking. 


My mind is working overtime and I’m not really processing my thoughts on yesterday. It doesn’t help that I can’t really talk about it fully not on here, not in person so I’m stuck. I want to talk about it but other then writing it in my mood book I’m struggling to. I wanted to try and catch my support worker  for a chat to fill her in on things that are going on and what happened with the meeting last week wit this new health visitor, shes arranged to come to my house tomorrow for a support review. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing it’s a bit out the blue. So now I’m overthinking that wondering why I’m having a review unless it’s because it’s been a while since the last one. 


My youngest boy is still not well I feel like I’m being fobbed off with this “viral infection” I know my children better than anyone else. I spend all day everyday with him and I know in my heart something isn’t right. I’m torn between trusting my instinct and wondering if anxiety is playing a part in this. My husband has said that he’s noticed something isn’t right too. As much as I want it to just be viral I’m scared to death that it’s something else and I’m not seeing it. I’m terrified we will end up back in hospital again. I don’t know what I’m doing right anymore. I swear they think I’m crazy but they didn’t live through all those months of worry. I’m no drama queen but at the moment I feel like it.


  I’ve got so much floating around my head I dint know what I’m doing. I forget everything, I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I’m getting things muddled up days, times etc. I find myself in my own little world and don’t always realise when I’m being spoken to. I go from not wanting to clean the house to bat shit crazy cleaning frenzies. I go from not hungry and skipping lunch to full on starvation mode. There’s no i between at the moment so even if I seem like I’ve got it together and my emotions are in check there’s so much more to it. I need to get this said I need people to know even If I look fine it’s just a pretence, it’s all for keeping up appearances. 

I want and need to talk 


I’ve got to a point in my life where things that stayed buried within me for so long have come out. I’ve also got to the point where now it’s out and I’ve been talking about it I feel the need to keep that going as part of the healing process and moving on from it. The only problem I have is the therapy I was referred to was too intense and I have no-one I can talk to about it all. I have contacted the people that referred me in a hope that I can speak to them but I’m so sick of chasing them up. I know I look and sound desperate but that’s the thing I kind of am. 



One of my closest friends is moving close by to someone I can’t be near and I want to be able to spend time in her new home without feeling afraid or panicked. I really want to move on because it’s holding me back. Maybe I was too haste to cancel therapy. I wanna be free of my past and enjoy my future, I can’t do that until I’m free of what casts a shadow over me. I don’t at the minute have anyone to talk to about it it’s all still stuck inside eating away at me I can’t do it I can’t let it ruin me. 



What do I do? I need some guidance, I need someone to point me in the right direction. I need someone i can talk to but  who? I can’t keep crying over my past I need to accept it and I need to move on. 

I’ve lost my way and I’m struggling to find a way back. I’m controlling my depression but my anxiety still lurks there waiting to come out. I feel like I’m the scared 17 year old again.  

Using humour 


I’ve been hiding behind funny posts and cheerful status updates to hide how I’m actually feeling. I’m already nervous for my “proper” counselling session next week. A trauma counseller with a specialist area. I’m tearful when I’m alone and I can’t help it. I’ve been watching, sharing and commenting on funny posts and videos on social networking sites. 

I’ve only ever left my boys and gone out of town once before that was a family members funeral last year that’s nother thing thing playing on my mind. 


I don’t know if I’m relying on people too much for support or If I’m getting it right or wether I should be doing it on my own. I just second guess everything and over think everything and think the worst of every situation. It’s been a pretty tough year and a bit. I sometimes wonder how I’m  still going, how I’ve not given up and run away despite wanting to several times. I’m disappointed in myself, I’m letting myself down and I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to get through this but I can’t do it alone I’m scared to do it alone but maybe I need to grow up grow a pair and get on with it?! 

Mixed emotions 

I’m sat here with my boys asleep processing what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and its completely mixed and at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand after such a brilliant day out yesterday and my littlest boys weigh in going well today I’m feeling good, but then thinking about tomorrow I’m extremely nervous and anxious. 

Let’s start with yesterday it was our second family day out this time we went to The Deep in Hull. Long ass train journey but so worth it when we got there, my eldest handled things well and no meltdowns until coming home. He loved all the different fish we saw and the Sharks and he got really into it and he seems to really enjoy it. He got a bit anxious on the way home mainly trying to go on the wrong train home and wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t our train. Then missing another train due to confusion we had to wait an hour for the next train. The poor kid was knackered and I was pissed off too so who could blame him for being upset. 


A few of the pics from the train journey. It was such a great day and we all really enjoyed it. Those days out we’ve had to break up the holidays have done wonders, it’s been so nice going further afield and putting that money to good use. Without that funding there’s no way we could have done the things we have done. It’s been nice. 


Today I took my little boy to our local health clinic to get his 8 weeks check over with. He’s doing fret which isn’t anything new he’s a little superstar. He’s gained almost a pound since he was last weighed. After a discussion last week with my support worker from home start charity I was querying if he still needed to be seen this often so I asked today and it’s great news that he doesn’t. So I’m happy.  While ago it was different when the health visiting team were supporting me with my mental health and weaning and sleeping but he’s doing brilliantly nowand I don’t need the support from them. So I’m happy that we can be like everyone else now. Also no physio outside of the house to,stop people asking questions that don’t concern them. So all is good. 

About tomorrow though, I start my Trauma counselling and it’s nerve racking I have to go about 20 miles away from home and it’s only 20 mins by train but it’s the fact I haven’t been away from my kids for that long since the little ones op. It’s just something I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. Starting over counselling with someone new it’s going to be hard I don’t know what info would have already been passed on. But I’m still going to have to talk about stuff and my feelings in depth. Scary. Trying not to overthink but it’s what I do best. 

Song Lyrics

This song touches home with me and I relate to the lyrics well. If I could write a song this would be it but this is Florence and the machine. Although Glee did a beautiful rendition of it which is much slower and that’s the version I prefer. 

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I’m always dragging that horse around
All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone

It’s always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa…
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t

So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope

It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

This song represents my thoughts towards my last and the fact I can’t let go of it and I’m always “dragging it around with me”

I have counselling on Wednesday I’m nervous, it’s been a month it kinda needs to be more regular but I struggle with childcare and I can’t take the little one with me. It’s something I need to do alone to concentrate and talk freely. I wish my family were more supportive and understanding. My auntie is really helpful but I can’t keep asking her to help.