Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot.
I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me.
Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around.
Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.
We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had.
Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
I managed to keep myself together today after yesterday, I’ve been out with my little one to the open door group so it was a nice distraction from over thinking.
My mind is working overtime and I’m not really processing my thoughts on yesterday. It doesn’t help that I can’t really talk about it fully not on here, not in person so I’m stuck. I want to talk about it but other then writing it in my mood book I’m struggling to. I wanted to try and catch my support worker for a chat to fill her in on things that are going on and what happened with the meeting last week wit this new health visitor, shes arranged to come to my house tomorrow for a support review. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing it’s a bit out the blue. So now I’m overthinking that wondering why I’m having a review unless it’s because it’s been a while since the last one.
My youngest boy is still not well I feel like I’m being fobbed off with this “viral infection” I know my children better than anyone else. I spend all day everyday with him and I know in my heart something isn’t right. I’m torn between trusting my instinct and wondering if anxiety is playing a part in this. My husband has said that he’s noticed something isn’t right too. As much as I want it to just be viral I’m scared to death that it’s something else and I’m not seeing it. I’m terrified we will end up back in hospital again. I don’t know what I’m doing right anymore. I swear they think I’m crazy but they didn’t live through all those months of worry. I’m no drama queen but at the moment I feel like it.
I’ve got so much floating around my head I dint know what I’m doing. I forget everything, I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I’m getting things muddled up days, times etc. I find myself in my own little world and don’t always realise when I’m being spoken to. I go from not wanting to clean the house to bat shit crazy cleaning frenzies. I go from not hungry and skipping lunch to full on starvation mode. There’s no i between at the moment so even if I seem like I’ve got it together and my emotions are in check there’s so much more to it. I need to get this said I need people to know even If I look fine it’s just a pretence, it’s all for keeping up appearances.
Today was a really really bad day. I’d felt ok but my emotions got the better of me. We’d gone to the family group to play I was looking forward to it because I’d not been for a few weeks because of the course I was doing. My little one just wouldn’t go and play and enjoy himself he just sat and whinged for me so I picked up my stuff got him ready and left. I saw a friend on the way out and I just burst into tears but I still left even after she tried to get me to stay.
I thought I could slip out quietly with no-one noticing but just as I left I got a call from my support worker leaving a voicemail as I didn’t find my phone on time. I didn’t mean to cause anyone to worry about me I guess it was nice that they cared enough to call. I convinced them I was fine but I guess it wasn’t enough. I didn’t wanna be alone but I thought my reasons for being upset were stupid.
It was an after effect from yesterday making my emotions run high. I eventually decided I needed to talk so my support worker came to my house. I chatted and told her why I left etc felt stupid but she understood. Luckily.
I’ve felt crap all day extremely low I’ve basically cried all day. It’s been hard. I’m annoyed with myself because this depression I had under control now it’s spiralling again. I don’t want to be a zombie on meds I just want to control it and feel ok. I only let people see the version of me I create. I let the mask slip today and I didn’t like it. The friend who tried to persuade me to stay picked up on the depression straight away. She said she didn’t know and that’s how I want it to be.
I got an email yesterday with the first draft of Or’s story reading it was emotional again. Re reading what I’d told this stranger over the phone re living the memories. It was pretty hard in all honesty. I look at the boy now and apart from the scars there’s no evidence of what he went through. That little silvery white line that saved his life is all that’s there.
Patronising people at groups telling me how well he’s doing they don’t have a fucking clue. Dopey little bitches that make up drama to make their lives more interesting to others. If they had seen first hand what he went through they wouldn’t be so fucking patronising. It’s been hard work physically and mentally exhausting going through it all but my little boy, my tough little cookie made it through. I don’t need silly little dramas o keep my life private not one of them have the first clue how hard it can be.
Why is it parents (not all) feel the need to compete with other parents?! “My kid is 6 months old and crawling and pulling to stand” blah blah blah who gives a crap?! All children learn at different rates. All they need is parents willing to push them to the best of their ability and teach them it’s ok to make mistakes. I’m proud of my children. It’s a daily battle with them, they both have very different needs and I’m stretching myself to try and fill those needs. I just don’t feel like it’s good enough some days. I won’t ever feel the need to compete with other parents I don’t scoop down to their level.
I’ve had my rant now I’m going to kiss my beautiful boys goodnight then I’m off to snuggle up to my youngest boy and go to sleep.
Well god knows how I did it but I survived the 6 weeks holidays. The last 2-3 weeks i’ve actually really enjoyed my eldest took the first few weeks to settle down and once he did and having hubby at home it was great.
These past 6 weeks haven’t been easy but one thing I’ll say is that I’ve made some fantastic memories with both my children. We had a few days away, days out and we went to places we’d never been before and I loved it.
I’ve tried my best to prepare my eldest boy for going back to school I just don’t know if it’s been good enough. Today was his last day off. I expected tears much earlier then when they happened. But once he got ready for a bath his anxieties came out and he started crying. My heart broke for him and I felt cruel for telling him he has no choice but to go back.
Despite much reassurance and taking his mind off how he’s feeling I know how he feels to get so anxious and worked up. Which I suppose helps me understand him slightly better. I wish I could help him more I really do. I wish I could understand him more and make it all ok for him. After all it’s what us mums are suppose to do isn’t it? I’m dreading tomorrow because it’s going to break me if I have to leave him at school crying. I will feel like the worst mother in the world.
It might be a bit of a long one seeing as I’ve missed a few days through tiredness.
I had my review with my support worker yesterday and I think it went well. It amazes me how understanding she is but it’s like she actually understands me too. I can talk to her about anything knowing I won’t be judged. I can’t even talk to my mother about stuff. She thinks I’m doing well and that once counselling a finished I’ll feel so much better. It seems to be the one thing that’s causing the most anxiety at the moment. I recieved a letter today with my appointment details on it. It works out kind of well that my husband is at home to look after the boys while I go. I just have to figure out how to tell him. He’s been acting weird I don’t think he trusts me, he’s been asking a lot of questions about who I’m on the phone to and what I was discussing on Tuesday. If he actually listened and didn’t make it all about him I’d actually be able to tell him in person. He reads my private books so I feel the need to hide them they are mine, my thoughts he shouldn’t need to read them.
My counselling appointment is next Friday and they are specialists in dealing with what I need to get out and dealt with. I’m anxious already so god knows how I’ll be next week.
I mentioned in a previous post that we got some funding for days out for my eldest boy so today we went to Yorkshire Wildlife Park. It was amazing we all really enjoyed it. My eldest took a lot of interest in most animals but not so much the ones too far away to see. He loved the wallabys and the squirrel monkies and meerkats.
We really enjoyed it and they are adding more to the African Safari experience so there’s a chance I’d go back again maybe early next year.
Next week we are visiting The Deep in Hull so I’m looking forward to that. It will keep by mind busy for that day.
I also have to take my youngest to the town health clinic for his 8 week weigh in. Although I’m debating that he actually needs this now. I don’t feel like he needs to be seen every 2 months now he’s going to be seen in march by the cardiologist and he will have his 2 year review sometime after then. I really don’t feel that he needs to be checked so often but it was the hospitals request. So what do I do?? Guess I’ll find out next week.
Must go it’s been one busy ass day. Thanks for reading.