The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Ok 

Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.

We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had. 

Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better. 

Normality in t minus 24 hours

As much as I love Christmas I’m glad it’s all over. Normality is just beginning to come back. My husband went back to work today and it was just me and the boys. 

Even though I slept terribly last night I thought today went well. Took my msejf and the oldest boy for our hair cut and it’s something that he doesn’t particularly enjoy. He doesn’t like sitting still and doesn’t like the mini clippers that use around the hairline. He did well actually and treated him to a cake after. 


I handled today on my own really well I thought I would struggle with tiredness and anxiety but I didn’t. My friend L came up to see us and the oldest played really well her older 2 children. Quite pleasantly surprised. 


I have one more day at home with both boys then my eldest goes back to school on Thursday. My friend V is coming up to get her hair done and after that I’m going to wash my hair and top up the bright pink colour I did last week so it stays nice and bright. I am looking forward to Thursday but also anxious about going back to open door sessions at HS. I know I won’t have someone to talk things through with which is going to be hard and I know my anxiety will build. I just can’t start to confide in someone else because she’s not discreet and that’s no good to me. I’m a private person I don’t want people knowing my issues in the group. 


So all that to consider I don’t know what I’m going to do it’s going to be tough. I actually inboxed a distant friend who is a very religious person and has a strong Christian faith. I have so many unanswered questions that I’ve considered going to church to see if I can find some answers. She’s meeting me next week and she’s going to introduce me to the minister. I’ve always been sceptical of religion but I’m intrigued by it now. I’m more a spiritual believer then religious believer. 

Anyway that’s my rambling over for tonight. 

Day of meltdowns

Today has been the worst day I’ve had with my 5 year old. The day started so well he’s always an early riser so it was really good that he slept in until after 7. We decided to catch the bus into town so from the moment we got to the bus stop he started acting up. Using coat to clean the shelter windows when we told him several times not to. Got into town itself and the behaviour carried on. It’s like a demon possessed him or something. He’s had meltdown after meltdown all day. I’m losing the will to live today I’ve had it to my limit with him. He was up Thursday night sick from coughing so Friday I couldn’t send him to school so I’m guessing this is backlash from a day off school. He has a chest infection so he’s on antibiotics for a week so the fact he’s poorly as well could be stirring things up. Today has been hell and I’ve barely kept it together. I could have walked out the house tonight and not come back that’s how stressed I’ve been. People don’t see this family don’t see this. They don’t see what I have to contend with when something changes. Whoever thinks parenting is hard they should try parenting an autistic child then they would see how hard it is. 

Support

I mentioned in the last post that I was having other support sessions from a different charity. I had another meeting today and again I’m surprised at how freely I spoke. When I first started seeing this lady I barely spoke. I just cried all the time. I don’t know how she does it but she gets me to open up to her like I would if I were writing my blog. I know it’s part of her training  but I also think it’s the actual person you speak to aswell. 

I don’t know what I’m getting out of other then the chance to talk about things that are affecting my life. She’s making me see things from a different perspective. I really need to re train my mind and think differently about situations. She’s made me see things that I wouldn’t have seen for myself. I don’t think I realise how much my life has changed over the last 19 months and how badly post natal depression is actually affecting me. I love my sons with every fibre of my being, but it’s been really hard with each of their issues and my own. There was things I said today that I haven’t said to anyone else. 

I’m numb, most of the day wanting to cry but not actually being able to but as I write this the tears are falling freely now. It’s as I sit down for the night and think about everything it hits me. Everything I’ve spoken about how honest I’ve been and airing things I’ve kept buried away In  fear of judgment. Fear of actually saying these things. I know for the greater good that it’s better for me to open up and air my feelings and it kind of feels like a relief to do it. 

Thinking 

After my long blog post saying how down I was i decided I’d talk things through with my support worker. I said everything I needed to. I didn’t feel any better but in a way it helped that I talked things over and said how bad I felt. She always knows exactly what to say in every situation. She’s wonderful at her job, I don’t feel judged by her like I did at first. I still sometimes think they might judge me but I guess that’s depression making me feel like that. 

She understood and said that she understood and she said that I’ve had dips in my mood like this before and always found a way out of it and pick myself up. Somehow this feels different. 

I’ve started up support meetings again recently with an outsider charity for a specific thing. That’s bringing me down making me emotional and opening up old wounds again. I’m battling with getting my eldest boys autism diagnosis (more on that later) I’m battling with getting the physio done for my youngest boy and  I’m battling with personal issues.

This weekend one of my closest friends V moved house. Something quite ordinary to most. The problem I have is that for reasons i can’t go into. I don’t feel brave enough to visit her house yet it’s to close by to someone from my past. I feel stupid for not being able to face going yet. I will do it eventually I just need time to build up to it. I’ve been offered help to go for the first time and I’m going to think about it before deciding.

Going back to the oldest boy my 5 year old. I had my long awaited appointment with the paediatrician on Thursday. I felt like it was a total waste of time. After messing around with staffing, swapping  Drs, one retiring etc.It was a basic meet and greet with a few questions asked. I was expecting more from it. I was disappointed and downhearted. I’ve gotta wait another 3-4 months for another appointment for him to be assessed. More months of uncertainty. More waiting more chasing. It’s frustrating. 

It’s depression


It’s about a year since I was told I have post natal depression. At first I didn’t accept it I was fine I was just trying to get over everything I went through with my youngest and on top of that I was dealing with the possibility of my eldest having autism and not really understanding it. 


I still don’t now if I’m honest. My life is dictated by a 5 year old part of me does it because it keeps meltdowns to a minimum and I want an easy life. Part of me can’t stand it. He decides when he’s had enough of places because of sensory overload. It’s frustrating and it’s annoying and it’s lonely as hell. 


I didn’t realise until last night when my friend pointed it out to me that it’s depression making me feel like a shit mum not because I am a shit mum. How could I not realise that? I still think I am a crappy mother depression or not. I’m lonely and I’m trying to keep 2 kids entertained for 10 hours a day. It’s exhausting my house is a mess, I don’t get to finish a meal providing I actually make one. I just keep plodding on in my own lonely little world. I wish people understood this I wish I could tell more people. I wish I could say to the people who support me what I say in this blog. This is my only way of getting it out there. I need conversation I need to talk this through with someone. 


I’m not coping aswell as everyone thinks I am. There’s no physical scars for people to see that I’m hurting and so tired and so alone with this. I plaster on the make up as a mask make myself and everyone else believe I’m ok. 


If there were actual physical scars maybe it would get noticed maybe they would realise I’m not as ok as I make out. Now I’m not saying I’m gonna go hurting myself because I’m not. I don’t want to. I just wish I could say all this out loud and be heard and be understood. For them to realise they shouldn’t just presume I’m ok when I say I’m fine I’m not. I’m just afraid of admitting it to them. I’m afraid of the judgment and the talking behind my back amongst themselves. Filling each other in on what I’ve said and done. 

Depression sucks and most of the time I can bury it away and almost seem normal but then like a switch goes off and I’m back to where I was. It makes me question everything, it makes my anxiety ten times worse and it makes me a horrible person to be around. I’m snappy, I’m emotional and I push people away. I want my life back. I want normality back. I want to live and forgot everything from the past that hurts me.