Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

Not sorry

Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help. 

We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)

It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise. 

However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit. 

It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs. 

I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it. 

Hair pulling

I find myself getting really annoyed with myself. Since Thursday when I was practically told that I’m the reason my youngest isn’t crawling I’ve been pulling my hair out. It’s really really annoying not to mention that it hurts. I don’t actually realise I’m  doing it sometimes. My hair is short as it is and I’m trying to grow it but if I keep pulling it out it won’t grow.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/trichotillomania/Pages/introduction.aspx
I didn’t think I was overly anxious about anything tonight I felt kind of relaxed. Even though as soon as I stop doing stuff around the house my mind starts going round the things I’ve coming up. All the appointments, my in laws coming for the day, my wedding anniversary, Father’s Day. I’m processing all the info making sure I don’t forget anything but I didn’t feel anxious. Why the hell am I pulling my hair out? When I was watching a program I left it alone the minute it stopped the pulling started. I don’t know how to control it but I need to learn how to stop like now. I don’t want to end up with bald patches.

Really short and pointless post but in order to process it I need to write it, it’s how my mind works sometimes.

Lost 


I was having a pretty good day but one phone call completely changed that. Of all places I was at school and my phone rang. Basically the place I was referred to for counselling can’t help me it’s not something they deal with because it’s not current and on going. Except it kind of is. Now I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and alone. Even more so then before. I was dreading it but I knew eventually I’d be getting some help at long last now I’m not going to get help at all. There is no-one to talk to about it. Even next week when my support worker comes back from leave how do I approach her?  I’m not sure I feel like I can. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I get somewhere then I get kicked back down again.

I felt like I was doing ok for a couple of days but I’m back to feeling tearful and down. I’ve kept things to myself for far too long and now I have no-one and nowhere to turn to. I’m not strong enough or brave enough to make the first contact I need someone to do that for me the rest I can try and do with support around me.

I feel really crap, I’m crying a lot and I don’t want to. I wanna talk to someone but who? I’m on my own again and tomorrow everything will be fine again. I’ll be around people and spending my day trying to chase up calls and people. Then bedtime comes I’m on my own and my mind goes to the dark place. The only place I can go to “talk”is my blog pretty sad really isn’t it?

Taking things to heart 

I tried very hard today not to let someone’s comments about my parenting bother me but it upset me and the person saying this things only knows me in a baby group setting and by the information I share with her which isn’t a lot. These people hardly know me but still choose to make comments possibly without thinking how it can affect the person they say it too.


I’ve overcome much worse in my life but I’ve had enough going on without people making out I’m a bad parent. I try my hardest every single day to be the best mum I possibly can to my children and some days it’s easier then others. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be perfect but I believe I’m a good mum. I put my children first in every decision I make every day. With everything I’ve had to deal with I’ll admit I’ve done things wrong. And probably made some things harder for myself but with the life I’ve been given I believed at that time it was the right thing to do.

I was reduced to tears today because I just feel that this person is making me feel like nothing I do is good enough nothing I do is right. I can’t go somewhere to be made to feel like this. I have worked my arse off to feel better and I don’t want to get dragged back down again. I’ve got some great friendships and people have been so incredibly understanding and even the people I’ve only known for a few months have been great. 

So I do things differently, so I’ve made mistakes. I am only human. People are so quick to judge me but they haven’t lived my life and they aren’t the ones trying to deal with things like I am.

I needed to get a good sleep at night and I needed to know my little boy was safe and to me that meant he slept in my bed and still does now. I still have anxiety issues I need to work on but it’s one more thing to overcome when he goes into his own room. Advice I can take on board criticism I can’t.

My worry about speaking out about this upsetting me is people thinking I’m being over sensitive because I suffer from depression. Feeling stupid because someone upset me over such stupid little things. But all  those stupid little things add up and it plays in my mind and it gets to me. They don’t hear the comments I get about a one year old not crawling, they don’t see the judgemental looks I get when I say my one year old can’t crawl or the looks I get when my 5 year old struggles in a setting and he can’t express his emotions and gets frustrated. I wanted to speak someone so I did and she has known me a year now and has helped me through everything she’s not a friend but a professional person. She said she had no concerns at all over what I’m doing if she did she’s bold enough to say it to me.

I do feel stupid for ringing her but I needed to talk to someone about how I felt. I’m lucky that if I continue to feel the way I do that she will help me and get it resolved.

 I don’t want to stop going places I get support from and a place where I did made 2 new friendships and helped an existing friendship become stronger but if she makes me feel like crap anymore I will just stop going.

What’s it’s like to have a CHD child 

I saw this on patches heart group on Facebook and wanted to share it. ❤️

Whats it like to have a child with a CHD ……
Its cocktails of medications …

Its wondering “WHY”

Its monitors and oxygen

Its feeding tubes

Its calories and weight gain

Its the drama of eating

Its the first time I held her

Its knowing that I need help

Its making a hospital a home for a while

Its seeing my reward in every smile

Its checking sats

Its caths, xrays, and bloods

Its thinking is she blue

Its cringing inside what shes been through

Its dozens of calls to her doc

Its winter and hand sanitizer

Its knowing this journey has made me wiser and humble

Its watching her sleep

Its surgery days

Its handing her over

Its knowing her heart must be repaired

Its waiting for news

Its praying

Its hoping

Its the bond we share

Its that long faded scar

Touching it and knowing we are blessed

Its their lives that remind us we still need to fight

Its finding the strength to have hope for tomorrow

And we’ll never be the same

Its changed me and my family

Some people have distanced themselves from us

Some people stop asking because everyday is a new challenge

This is what we face each day

This is a CHD child

This is MY CHD child and if I go on about the simple things she does its because every morning when she wakes up it is one hell of an achievement

And I’m so proud of my heart warrior.

❤️

The end of all that was bad. 

Yesterday marked the end of the year that has been the hardest year of my life. I never want to go through what we went through oth our youngest son ever again. There have been some good moments it hasn’t all been bad but it’s not been great. It’s been during this time I’ve learnt who said they were there for me and proved it. My friends and professional support have been amazing and incredibly supportive when my family weren’t. I’ve never needed anyone before like I’ve needed people this last year and I’m forever grateful to those who I cried down the phone to, late night tweeted my worries and fears to or chatted to to make me forget things for a while. 

The check up with the cardiologist went brilliantly I feared the worst for no reason as it turns out. My little superhero as I call him still has a residual VSD but in time it may just close itself up. 

Going to the hospital I felt extremely nervous, i felt sick and despite reassurance from friends thatmy little one would be fine I couldnt believe it until he had all his checks and his echo. The best possible news we could have been given is that he is doing brilliantly. My little fighter is just fine. He will obviously need follow up care for the rest of his life but I can deal with 1 day every year to go and get check ups. There are 364 other days where I can just enjoy my children and be a family that doesn’t have to worry about oxygen sats, echo’s and ecg’s.

It’s marked the end of the year from hell now it’s a fresh start our new beginning starting all the birthday celebrations today.


My little boy turned one he had no idea what was going on but we made it special for him. We needed it to be as proper celebration like he has been born again.


We helped him open all his presents and cards, then we took a cake to a baby play group where all his friends are and celebrated with them. We then came home and had a visit from my parents and some friends. As per usual family weren’t the ones making the day special it was my friends. They came up with their children to play and have cake. They made so much effort I’ll be forever grateful to them. These people are my “family” all of them. They got me through the tough times and have been there through the good times too. Along with the all the support I’ve had I’ll be forever grateful to these people because without it I wouldn’t be where I am now. I finally feel free of everything that’s weighted me down. I feel like a new person. The person i wanted to be for this special day. It’s a new beginning for my family and I can wait to start our new adventures and leave the past behind us. Yesterday I cried with relief with being given good news, today I have cried happy emotional tears. It’s my baby’s first ever birthday and I’ve created some wonderful new memories to replace the old.