Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

Not sorry

Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help. 

We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)

It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise. 

However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit. 

It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs. 

I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it. 

Opening up

After the support meeting with T from LRC I sent my husband this great long message and I was honest with him. I opened up to how I’d been feeling. I don’t mean to shut him out I just close off. I don’t know how to find the words to tell him what’s going on in my head. I’m afraid of getting no where with it, afraid of what he would say or not say. 

This is what I wrote to him and bared my soul:

You know I have support from HS that’s still on going. I’ve been having support meetings with someone from LRC to get help with dealing with things from my past. I’ve been to see her today. I’m also now getting support from this new health visitor again because I’ve not been coping with things that well. I barely sleep, most days I’m not eating a great deal and when I’m in my room on my own I cry most nights. I write a blog, I colour and I write in my book. I keep it all to myself because I’m afraid of telling you how much of a mess I am. I’m not the person you married 3 years ago I’m broken. 

His reply surprised me he seemed to take it all on board and think he appreciated that I’d actually been honest with him. One of my biggest faults is keeping things from him and not letting him into parts of my life. He said how he wanted to help in anyway he can, he wants me to talk to him about stuff however big or small. This is a massive breakthrough for us we’ve never been great at communicating with each other. He says everything right everything I needed to hear from him. It makes it more important to me as it makes me feel like I can open up to him more now. He used to make things all about him and never took anything on board but he’s amazed me in his reaction to all of this. I feel like maybe now we are stronger then we were ever before. 

Admitting defeat


I’ve not had the best few days or even the best week to be fair, it’s been really tough facing old demons and fighting the low I’ve been feeling. 

Yesterday’s wasn’t doing too well today I’m not doing well at all. I’ve been fighting back tears pretty much all day. I went to the drop in support centre to take my little one to play and hoped to catch my support worker for a chat. As soon as I got there one of the family support workers handed me a leaflet and told me not to worry about ages of development and just look at what my little one can and can’t do. Well that had me in tears I told her about feeling down about other children who are doing so well and she told me not to let it get to me. Then I cried when a friend asked if I was ok, she reassured that my little one was doing brilliantly. I know he is it’s just I’m finding things hard at the mo. I know how well he’s doing 6 months ago he couldn’t sit from laying down and now he’s almost standing at things unaided. I know that but the depression in me is consuming all the good and only showing me the bad. 


I caught my support worker for a talk and cried more. Properly broke down in flooods of tears. I explained that all the anxiety of last week has made me feel so run down, I’m not sleeping well either which then affects everything else. She’s suggested I make a doctors appointment and if I feel in a few weeks I don’t need it I can cancel it. I’ve made it that’s the easy bit, going to the actual appointment if I do decide to go is the hard bit. It’s admitting defeat. Admitting that I do need help from meds. It’s just not me it’s not who I am. I have nothing against anyone who take any form of medication I just choose not to unless I really have to. I guess it’s come to the point where I am having to consider it being an option. I’m grateful I have the support i have. Without their support I honestly don’t know where I’d be. 

Support

I mentioned in the last post that I was having other support sessions from a different charity. I had another meeting today and again I’m surprised at how freely I spoke. When I first started seeing this lady I barely spoke. I just cried all the time. I don’t know how she does it but she gets me to open up to her like I would if I were writing my blog. I know it’s part of her training  but I also think it’s the actual person you speak to aswell. 

I don’t know what I’m getting out of other then the chance to talk about things that are affecting my life. She’s making me see things from a different perspective. I really need to re train my mind and think differently about situations. She’s made me see things that I wouldn’t have seen for myself. I don’t think I realise how much my life has changed over the last 19 months and how badly post natal depression is actually affecting me. I love my sons with every fibre of my being, but it’s been really hard with each of their issues and my own. There was things I said today that I haven’t said to anyone else. 

I’m numb, most of the day wanting to cry but not actually being able to but as I write this the tears are falling freely now. It’s as I sit down for the night and think about everything it hits me. Everything I’ve spoken about how honest I’ve been and airing things I’ve kept buried away In  fear of judgment. Fear of actually saying these things. I know for the greater good that it’s better for me to open up and air my feelings and it kind of feels like a relief to do it. 

Down


Today started off so well, after my suooort meeting yesterday I actually felt ok today. I went to the drop in session for my youngest to go and play and I stayed once it closed to have a chat with my support worker. Still felt ok.

My friend who just moved is also a photographer and this weekend she has some Christmas photo shoots coming up. I was going to be her assistant it was booked at a local community venue. I was ok with that given the reasons why I can’t yet visit new home. 


She’s very kindly booked my two boys in for a shoot on that day only problem is she’s had to change the venue to her home studio. I cried once I read it. I’ve been anxious and panicked and emotional since. I really really want to go and help out and have my boys photographed but i just can’t face going just yet. I’m not handling it very well I’m so emotional and so upset and annoyed with myself. I’m letting one person I shouldn’t rule my life and put it on hold. 


I’m scared I can’t face this but what can I do? I needed more time but I don’t have it. Can I really try and face it tomorrow with help? My support worker offered to walk with me so do I ring her and ask for help? Knowing she might not be able to? Or wondering if I’ll have a panic attack. I hate the feeling that I’m letting her down. I’m letting myself down too I was looking forward to helping out and being all Christmassy. I need help tying to break the pent up anxiety. I’m struggling. 

F#%king Anxiety

One of the things I’d never normally describe myself as is a drama queen. But tonight I feel completely stupid and feel like I’ve been a drama queen. 

I took my little one to see a nurse on Saturday evening because I think he’s unwell. Classic signs of yet another ear infection. They agree that his ears are inflamed but they wouldn’t treat it there and then. Had I taken him to the gp surgery knowing his medical history they would have treated him with antibiotics straight away. Yesterday he was still off it not his usual chirpy self. This morning though I thought he had brightened up a bit. But he hasn’t. He fell asleep on me after lots of tears at playgroup he slept for around 45 mins. It’s not like him. Then at around 1:30pm he started getting grumpy again ready for another sleep. He usually has one half an hour sleep but he’s been extra sleepy and clingy abs grumpy. I got him in the bath early tonight and maybe it’s anxiety but I swore he looked blue around his mouth. Maybe I’m over thinking it maybe I’m paranoid trying to find an explanation for the sleepiness. I took some pics and sent them to my friend. That’s when I felt like a prize twat. I just needed someone’s opinion of someone to say he looks fine. I’m not normally this dramatic but he’s not well and I feel like because I’ve had depression people don’t believe me. I take him to see the nurse when he’s ill and she treated me when I was at my lowest so I feel like I’m being judged every time I take him. 95% of the time he’s been poorly in the last almost 18 months there’s only been 2 occasions where I was wrong. It’s like they think I’m making it up or purposely hurting him. I would never ever ever do that to my kids and I would never use my kids for attention. 

I’m sat here feeling down, feeling tired and worn out. I feel incredibly alone and like I’m an idiot for over thinking. I’d been doing so well there’s just so much going on. I knew it wouldn’t last so now I’m disappointed in myself and being too hard on myself.