Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
So yesterday was my youngest boys 2nd Birthday. I gotta admit the night before I was a little bit emotional. He’s growing up he’s 2 now. Sad reality that I no longer have a baby. His birthday was lovely I really enjoyed it, we had a really nice birthday party for him and the kids loved it.
Today I’ve kept myself busy because I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what it meant for us 2 years ago. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and think of all the amazing things we’ve done since then. My counselling sessions are helping me see things in a different light. I’ve been told that I’m punishing myself and making myself re live it instead of moving on because I blame myself for his heart defect. My little boy has done brilliantly well since we were told about his heart defect. This time last year he could only sit up he couldn’t sit himself up, he could roll over, he couldn’t put his feet on the floor, stand or crawl. This year there’s a massive difference he can do all those things confidently now. He’s even moving around furniture to get to places. He’s not walking or talking yet but this time next he will be.
I’ve shielded his diagnosis for so long because I didn’t want him treated any differently to other children. I didn’t want sympathy for him and I didn’t want attention on me or him. I’m becoming more open about it now sharing more about him. Not because I’m stuck in the past because I’m trying to think and look to the future.
2 years ago was an extremely difficult day for me. Being told about a heart defect in your baby that’s only 2 days old. It’s a shock to the system. It wasn’t ever something I could prepare myself to hear. He’s come so far and I’m so proud of him and I’m trying to overcome this emotional side of it. I need to say the words out loud without crying or feeling tearful. I need to believe that I did cause this, I was not to blame and I need to stop punishing myself thinking I let my baby down. I need to stop being jealous of other children’s milestones and be grateful for the ones he’s hitting. I need to stop being jealous of people with healthy babies. I need to stop getting angry at people for making big dramas out of Childrens general ilnesses. They didn’t live through what I did. They don’t understand.
One thing to help me find my future was the fact that the cardiology hospital appointment went well. His heart function is good, the residual vsd still there but causing no problems and we don’t need to go back for 13 months. Onwards and upwards. (Hopefully)
A year ago today was without doubt the worst and most difficult day of my life. I had to carry my baby boy at just 5 months old to an operating theatre knowing I had to kiss him goodbye and leave him there with strangers. I know it saved his life but I wanted to be with my baby in case I never saw him again. I was terrified, I spent most of the day in daze holding back tears so i didn’t upset my eldest. I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life ever.
Today we celebrated our little boys heart anniversary. We bought 6 red and 6 blue balloons and 2 heart balloons and wrote messages on them and released them into the sky. My parents in law came for the day me and L made a red velvet cake and my non blood family came and celebrated with us. So many people came and made the effort to be there for him and us too.
I feel so blessed to have these people in my life the others just aren’t worth mentioning. I get so much help and support from Home-Start I’ll be eternally grateful for everything they have done for us and continue to do for us. My family aren’t blood but that doesn’t matter family are the ones who say they are there and prove it. They are the ones that offer help when it’s needed, offer a shoulder to cry on and they have looked after my little one when I’ve needed help. They are also the ones that distract you and make you laugh when you feel so down and crap.
I’ve decided to no longer do therapy sessions I hated lying to people about where I was going and why. It was too much pressure and I couldn’t handle it anymore. My story isn’t over yet but it’s affecting too any aspects of my life it’s time to be a better mum and concentrate on the autism course for my eldest. I have child care sorted and it’s only 2.5 hours per week so it’s not like I’m doing it twice a week and having to catch trains. I have funding in place for a childminder. I’m going to be a better upmum, I’m not going to let people bother me anymore. I’m not going to worry abi what others think or say or do. Fuck that shit. It’s me p, my boys, my husband and my non blood family.
I’ve grown up always believing I was never wanted. My mum didn’t know she was pregnant with me until she was around 5 months gone. Probably past the legal abortion limit. I’ve grown up thinking it was too late for her to “get rid of her mistake” I’ve never known who my biological father is. She’s never spoken about it other then once i remember her saying to me ” you know dad’s not your real dad” that’s it. Not that I would ever want to find out. I have a lot of respect for my dad. My mum met and married him within 5 months then a year later they had a child. The favourite child. Even though I have 2 boys the same age as her two boys my mum favours her and her kids.
It really pisses me off nothing I do, nothing I say is good enough and my boys aren’t good enough for her. I honestly believe that because my children in her eyes aren’t “perfect” they have individual needs that they are defective somehow to her. I have a child with autism and a child with a heart defect. Do you know what they are fucking perfect both of them. Maybe to her I’m not a fantastic parent like my favourite child perfect sister.
Do you know what it’s been bloody hard work this past 15 months. If any one of them lived my life for a day they might have a slight understanding of what I’ve been through. Not that they give a toss.
Before my youngest had his operation I had the comparisons “I went through it with your sister” yes my sister had more operations but it wasn’t on her heart at 5 months old and it wasn’t major life changing surgery and she wasn’t in intensive care for any amount of time. I made him a diary of his first year of life including his time in hospital. When I showed my friends they shed tears and hot choked up. I showed my support workers and they said it was emotional reading it. My mother showed no emotion what so ever. Her response was “oh that’s good wish I had done one for your sister”
I don’t know why I’m not good enough I don’t know why my children aren’t good enough. But over my dead body will I let them grow up surrounded by those negative wasteful people.
I have friends who pick me up when I’m down. They support me when I need it, say all the right things to encourage me and share my enthusiasm and share my joy in my children’s milestones. I can’t say that my family don’t upset me they do they always will. But one day I will tell my children the whole truth and keep them away from all of them our lives will be better without them in it.
So yeah as previously mentioned today was suppose to be my birthday officially I’m 32 but I decided I wanted to be 10 again. On Tuesday I’m having a proper 10th birthday party with kids games etc. I chose 10 because living with depression and anxiety means I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. Some days I feel “normal” today I was down.
My best friend and I always had this tradition that in our birthdays we would text each other at midnight. When I was pregnant with my eldest I couldn’t keep that tradition going I felt so guilty but since then the tradition has kind of stopped. I woke at 3am no Facebook messages, no texts still by 7am nothing other then from my husband.
My eldest had a massive meltdown over me opening my birthday cards. He wanted to open them I said he could open one but I wanted to do the rest, so he kicked up a massive fuss so it was then I decided I wasn’t going to open my cards at all. My husband caked me a mardy cow so I started having a go at him. Birthday was ruined before it even got to 7am. I came upstairs and sat alone in my bedroom crying. Proper upset crying. I just wanted a bit of understanding for my husband to use his brain. It’s the first birthday I’ve had since the depression diagnosis. This time last year was hard coping alone but the worst hadn’t happened yet. My best friend is in Wales so I wouldn’t see her on my birthday, my family don’t give a crap and I was all set for a good day at family group.
My youngest had physio booked for 2pm I was anxious about that. I was trying to keep it all together. I failed but I wanted someone to understand all this but instead when I had a go at him yet again it was all about him “I have depression, I have no one to talk to blah blah blah” he’s a pill popper for every minor little thing he has to take medication for it. Colds, coughs, headache,Heartburn the list goes on. If he’s depressed why hasn’t he gone to the doctors to get pills? He takes it for everything else why not depression? I however do not take medication unless I really really have to. A few days after having a c section I stopped taking meds as soon as I was home. I was in pain but instead of relying on pills I dealt with it. I don’t take meds for headaches or any minor little thing so that’s why many times I refused anti depressants. When I was told to go to the doctors and be put on meds I was pissed. I reluctantly took them for 13 days then decided I wasn’t going to anymore. Mostly I cope fine. I had rough days especially when my eldest and his meltdowns get to me or when I have counselling. Counselling stirs up old memories I buried deep inside my soul.
Anxiety now that can be the real bitch. That takes some doing to shift sometimes but again mostly I cope. It’s not often now I feel the need to chat to my support worker but I know she’s there when I do. I needed someone today but I felt too stupid considering the reasons for feeling so crap and crying so much. I didn’t say anything.
Physio went well I was dreading it. I honestly thought she was going to say I’d not worked hard enough on the excercises. I saw real progress in my littlest one and I’m glad she saw that too. It kind of made an awful day a little better. I expected the worst and I’m glad it didn’t happen. The littlest one is doing brilliantly and I know to others it won’t seem like a big deal that’s he’s having tummy time and he’s on all 4’s or on his knees but to me that are massive achievements. I’m so proud of him.
I’ve felt crap today I’ve pretty much cried all day but I have my tattoo to look forward to and my nails are getting done and my birthday party at the weekend. I’m going to forget the bad bits of today and move on.