This morning I cried. This morning I put my head in my hand, and let the tears fall.
I’m not grieving.
I haven’t been seriously hurt.
I don’t feel unloved.
Or any other obvious reasons to weap.
I cried because I’m tired.
No not just tired, it’s way beyond that.
My body is screaming at me.
I feel like my body is shutting down bit by bit.
Tiredness so severe it hurts.
I’m 10 years into this life, as a parent to a disabled child.
I’m 2 weeks into the summer holidays. And my body is failing me.
Imagine running for hours and hours every day of your life, even when you need to stop because your legs are weak, but you can’t.
You do it day after day, year after year.
Then a period of time comes (7 weeks long ) when you have to run 20 hours a day on your already weak leg’s , you push and push because you can’t afford to stop.
Being a parent to a disabled child is running from eyes open to eyes closed, and some in between.
We can’t just ” get a good night sleep and feel better in the morning ”
We can’t have a pj and movie day to rest.We can only push and push. ‘ come on body, we can do this ‘ I cry.
I saw this on Facebook just an insight to special needs mums lives.
Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
This week has been pretty awful. Since last Saturday my anxiety was driving me to think I was crazy. Convincing myself that there was something seriously wrong with my little one. I was convinced and panicking that he was blue around the mouth and he wasn’t. I took him to the doctors to get checked over and left feeling worse because it was a simple viral infection that was just draining him of energy. I swear I feel like I’ve been going mad.
My 5 year old has been unhappy all week going to school upset and coming home upset and unhappy. I don’t know what going on with him he barely ate properly until Thursday. I don’t know why he’s unsettled and unhappy I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or if he’s just having a bad week. With him having a very limited diet I’ve been trying to get him to eat new food. I got dome sonics from a friend and she suggested we cook together so yesterday we had some one on one time and made sweet potato chips and he loved them. I felt very proud of him. There was no hesitation and he was so excited to make them. Bless him.
That was our finished result.
End of the week hasn’t turned out so bad it’s ended kinda well. My friend V came up to mine this afternoon with her hubby and kids. Few weeks ago she wanted her hair coloured blue well god knows what the hairdresser did to it but it was knackered it was green and washed out after like one or two washes. So I’ve sorted it for her this afternoon. It was a blondey greeny colour and now it’s cosmic blue and pink. It’s looking awesome.
Have to share the results
The feeling I get when someone likes their hair and they feel great after is brillian. I feel so normal and I get lost in the hairdressing and I feel confident. Like the days before depression. If I could feel that way on a permanent basis I would.
I’m actually feeling pretty good about things at the moment. I feel upbeat and positive. I feet under so much pressure with everything. There was therapy, the nursery placement, triple p course and physio for the youngest boy.
Once I decided not to continue with the therapy I felt no pressure, childcare is sorted for the days I do my course aswell so no more worrying about nursery. I’m not saying that not going ahead with therapy is my most brilliant plan but it’s taken the pressure off me, it’s taken the anxiety away and it’s helping no end with how I’m feeling. I feel good I hate saying that becsuse normally something comes along to knock me down again. Family tried and failed on Thursday.
Thursday being my youngest boys heart surgery anniversary. We wrote messages on balloons and let them go. My family apart from my auntie weren’t invited. Not one of them asked about the day Or what I was going to do. They showed no interest. So me and my family of wonderful friends, my auntie and my in laws did it together. I refused to let them get the better of me. I refused to back down and I’m glad they weren’t invited. I’m glad they were pissed off about it because they felt left out like I do all the time. They got a taste of what I’ve felt like all my life. My wonderful friend K sent me a lovely message saying she was sending love to the boys and she was thinking of us. That meant so much to me i nearly cried. I have lovely supportive wonderful friends and I’m so grateful to have them in my life.
I’m on track to getting my life back into order despite what happened on the past. It wasn’t easy to talk about but it was easier then the intense therapy. So instead it’s onwards and upwards with my life. I wanna say that this is all over with and I can go back to the person I was before the depression. I’m hoping that my the time it’s a year since I was told post natal depression I will have got over it. Or it be behind me never to return.
Tonight after getting my youngest boy out of the bath dried and dressed well went into my eldest boys room to read a bedtime story as normal. I put the youngest boy on the floor and he can now get into the crawling position on his own. Something obviously caught his eye and he actually crawled. I’m so happy I could burst. This means so so much to me given that his heart day is on Thursday. It’s given me that boost I so desperately needed. It shows me that my hard work doing his physio is actually pulling off. I’m so happy and so proud I could cry!!i just wanted to share that with everyone because it just means so much to me ❤️
Everything a year ago in honesty was pretty shit I was having an extremely tough time coping alone. I’d been through hell and back. But today I feel like a new person. Something I never thought I’d say again.
I’m actually loving my life right now things feel so great. I have some great support around me and I have a couple of new friendships that blossomed from the place I go for support and I’m actually enjoying spending time with my friends. I text or message them on a daily basis I arrange plans and keep them. I’ve been spending time alone and letting my husband do more with the boys.
All trivial things to someone else but massive achievements to me. I’ve had 2 nights “out” drinks at a friends house leaving the kids in bed. I actually have a social life. It’s an Incredible feeling. In 5 weeks I’ve completely turned my life around. I feel so different so much better and a little bit more confident.
I couldn’t spend time alone at all now I actually enjoy coming home and spending time with the baby on my own. I’m eating more and I haven’t skipped a meal for the last few weeks. I love the change in me and I’m glad it’s not going unnoticed. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and I don’t want anything to change that. Before the baby’s check up I couldn’t look to the future I had a year of uncertainty. A year of wondering what was next but I just love each day as it comes now. I feel like I have made massive improvements to my life and how I think and feel.
I’ve made huge accomplishments like going out without make up on a few times. Caring less about having to do my hair. Wearing different styles of clothing I never had the confidence to wear. I haven’t done this alone I’ve had a great support network behind me while I get my life back. One person is missing and we are missing her but I hope that one day when she’s feeling better she will come see us again. But I hope she knows that she’s helped me so much along with others. I’m enjoying my life and I hope it’s gonna stay this way.
It’s all down to the people I have around me without them I don’t know where i’d be but it wouldn’t be here where I am now doing what I’m doing now. They are so incredible.