Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
This week has been pretty awful. Since last Saturday my anxiety was driving me to think I was crazy. Convincing myself that there was something seriously wrong with my little one. I was convinced and panicking that he was blue around the mouth and he wasn’t. I took him to the doctors to get checked over and left feeling worse because it was a simple viral infection that was just draining him of energy. I swear I feel like I’ve been going mad.
My 5 year old has been unhappy all week going to school upset and coming home upset and unhappy. I don’t know what going on with him he barely ate properly until Thursday. I don’t know why he’s unsettled and unhappy I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or if he’s just having a bad week. With him having a very limited diet I’ve been trying to get him to eat new food. I got dome sonics from a friend and she suggested we cook together so yesterday we had some one on one time and made sweet potato chips and he loved them. I felt very proud of him. There was no hesitation and he was so excited to make them. Bless him.
That was our finished result.
End of the week hasn’t turned out so bad it’s ended kinda well. My friend V came up to mine this afternoon with her hubby and kids. Few weeks ago she wanted her hair coloured blue well god knows what the hairdresser did to it but it was knackered it was green and washed out after like one or two washes. So I’ve sorted it for her this afternoon. It was a blondey greeny colour and now it’s cosmic blue and pink. It’s looking awesome.
Have to share the results
The feeling I get when someone likes their hair and they feel great after is brillian. I feel so normal and I get lost in the hairdressing and I feel confident. Like the days before depression. If I could feel that way on a permanent basis I would.
Bit of a short and random post tonight… So a few weeks ago I had to have my hair cut pretty short and I wasn’t happy with it. 2 weeks ago I decided to re colour it and I chose to go dark red with random copper bits in it. I instantly loved it and the ignited the love for my hair I hated so much. I’m still pulling it out strand by strand which is really fucking annoying. I find split ends and I pull at them. So tonight in a bid to help with the hair pulling and spilt ends I’m using coconut oil as an intensive treatment overnight. I know it’s gonna take more then one treatment and I’ll need a trim too but it’s a start to getting healthier hair back.
The hairdresser in me gets bored of my hair too easily so i need to change it every so often. I like changing my look it makes it more interesting when I never look the same. Part of me likes the attention it gets even though I’m not an attention seeker. Part of me likes that people don’t know what I’m going to do next and part of me likes that people won’t realise it’s me at first. I’m like a master of disguise.
I’ll find out in the morning if the coconut oil has helped at all or just made my hair incredibly greasy.
Due to the amount of damage and breakage on my hair I made the bold decision to cut it short. I hate it. I hated it when I left the salon I cried. It had to be cut off there was no other option. I don’t look or feel like me anymore. My hair was the one thing I always took pride in although it wasn’t long I always made my hair look it’s best. Anything less then perfect wouldn’t do.
There’s another reason I don’t like my hair so short it takes me back to a very unhappy time in my life. It brings back too many memories I try hard to forget until my counselling sessions come along. I have a story to tell I have my deepest darkest secrets to shed light on they’ve been buried within me for too long. This hair cut just brings things up to the surface. I feel like I’m seeing that scared broken person again. I’m trying very hard to see the positives in the hair cut but I’m struggling. I hope that it might help me overcome the Trichotillomania but only time will tell.
I find myself getting really annoyed with myself. Since Thursday when I was practically told that I’m the reason my youngest isn’t crawling I’ve been pulling my hair out. It’s really really annoying not to mention that it hurts. I don’t actually realise I’m doing it sometimes. My hair is short as it is and I’m trying to grow it but if I keep pulling it out it won’t grow.
I didn’t think I was overly anxious about anything tonight I felt kind of relaxed. Even though as soon as I stop doing stuff around the house my mind starts going round the things I’ve coming up. All the appointments, my in laws coming for the day, my wedding anniversary, Father’s Day. I’m processing all the info making sure I don’t forget anything but I didn’t feel anxious. Why the hell am I pulling my hair out? When I was watching a program I left it alone the minute it stopped the pulling started. I don’t know how to control it but I need to learn how to stop like now. I don’t want to end up with bald patches.
Really short and pointless post but in order to process it I need to write it, it’s how my mind works sometimes.