The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

I want and need to talk 


I’ve got to a point in my life where things that stayed buried within me for so long have come out. I’ve also got to the point where now it’s out and I’ve been talking about it I feel the need to keep that going as part of the healing process and moving on from it. The only problem I have is the therapy I was referred to was too intense and I have no-one I can talk to about it all. I have contacted the people that referred me in a hope that I can speak to them but I’m so sick of chasing them up. I know I look and sound desperate but that’s the thing I kind of am. 



One of my closest friends is moving close by to someone I can’t be near and I want to be able to spend time in her new home without feeling afraid or panicked. I really want to move on because it’s holding me back. Maybe I was too haste to cancel therapy. I wanna be free of my past and enjoy my future, I can’t do that until I’m free of what casts a shadow over me. I don’t at the minute have anyone to talk to about it it’s all still stuck inside eating away at me I can’t do it I can’t let it ruin me. 



What do I do? I need some guidance, I need someone to point me in the right direction. I need someone i can talk to but  who? I can’t keep crying over my past I need to accept it and I need to move on. 

I’ve lost my way and I’m struggling to find a way back. I’m controlling my depression but my anxiety still lurks there waiting to come out. I feel like I’m the scared 17 year old again.  

Mixed emotions 

I’m sat here with my boys asleep processing what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and its completely mixed and at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand after such a brilliant day out yesterday and my littlest boys weigh in going well today I’m feeling good, but then thinking about tomorrow I’m extremely nervous and anxious. 

Let’s start with yesterday it was our second family day out this time we went to The Deep in Hull. Long ass train journey but so worth it when we got there, my eldest handled things well and no meltdowns until coming home. He loved all the different fish we saw and the Sharks and he got really into it and he seems to really enjoy it. He got a bit anxious on the way home mainly trying to go on the wrong train home and wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t our train. Then missing another train due to confusion we had to wait an hour for the next train. The poor kid was knackered and I was pissed off too so who could blame him for being upset. 


A few of the pics from the train journey. It was such a great day and we all really enjoyed it. Those days out we’ve had to break up the holidays have done wonders, it’s been so nice going further afield and putting that money to good use. Without that funding there’s no way we could have done the things we have done. It’s been nice. 


Today I took my little boy to our local health clinic to get his 8 weeks check over with. He’s doing fret which isn’t anything new he’s a little superstar. He’s gained almost a pound since he was last weighed. After a discussion last week with my support worker from home start charity I was querying if he still needed to be seen this often so I asked today and it’s great news that he doesn’t. So I’m happy.  While ago it was different when the health visiting team were supporting me with my mental health and weaning and sleeping but he’s doing brilliantly nowand I don’t need the support from them. So I’m happy that we can be like everyone else now. Also no physio outside of the house to,stop people asking questions that don’t concern them. So all is good. 

About tomorrow though, I start my Trauma counselling and it’s nerve racking I have to go about 20 miles away from home and it’s only 20 mins by train but it’s the fact I haven’t been away from my kids for that long since the little ones op. It’s just something I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. Starting over counselling with someone new it’s going to be hard I don’t know what info would have already been passed on. But I’m still going to have to talk about stuff and my feelings in depth. Scary. Trying not to overthink but it’s what I do best.