This morning I cried. This morning I put my head in my hand, and let the tears fall.
I’m not grieving.
I haven’t been seriously hurt.
I don’t feel unloved.
Or any other obvious reasons to weap.
I cried because I’m tired.
No not just tired, it’s way beyond that.
My body is screaming at me.
I feel like my body is shutting down bit by bit.
Tiredness so severe it hurts.
I’m 10 years into this life, as a parent to a disabled child.
I’m 2 weeks into the summer holidays. And my body is failing me.
Imagine running for hours and hours every day of your life, even when you need to stop because your legs are weak, but you can’t.
You do it day after day, year after year.
Then a period of time comes (7 weeks long ) when you have to run 20 hours a day on your already weak leg’s , you push and push because you can’t afford to stop.
Being a parent to a disabled child is running from eyes open to eyes closed, and some in between.
We can’t just ” get a good night sleep and feel better in the morning ”
We can’t have a pj and movie day to rest.We can only push and push. ‘ come on body, we can do this ‘ I cry.
I saw this on Facebook just an insight to special needs mums lives.
Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me.
By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us.
My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore.
Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him.
Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻
Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help.
We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)
It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise.
However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit.
It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs.
I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it.
Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.
We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had.
Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
I met my friend V through my best friend when we started college. We became friends when we started modelling for a charity catwalk back in 2009 we just seemed to click instantly and became very close.
For stupid reasons we fell out and didn’t talk for a long time. She was never far from my mind. I kinda stalked her on Facebook lol she knows this already so it won’t come as a shock to her (I hope)
I saw her wedding photos and how happy she looked and I was pleased for her. She got her happy ending. I saw the photos she taken when she found out she was having a baby boy she looked so content and happy. Even though we weren’t talking I was glad she was happy.
When I found out about my sons heart defect and I was online at 3am and couldn’t sleep she was there when no-one else was. We chatted on Twitter most nights then randomly arranged to meet for coffee. It was so nice re connecting with her the conversation wasn’t awkward at all. We gradually got seeing more of each other and it’s like we never stopped talking. I won’t ever forget that she was there when I felt so alone. When I was told I have post natal depression she was there for me. Talking things through and giving me the reassurance I needed.
To have someone who gets you, knows the way you think, stops me doing things I shouldn’t be doing like pulling my hair. I don’t know if she will ever truly understand how grateful I am to her but by posting this I hope she reads it.
She never had to do all the things she’s done but she did. She’s got such a beautiful soul I hope she knows that too. She’s a beautiful person inside and out. She’s selfless and amazing and I’m neBet letting her out of my life again. She’s stuck with me 💖
I don’t open up to many people so if you know me and you read this blog I means i trust you. That’s big for me I don’t trust people easily I don’t let people in. I’m afraid of the rejection and people knowing what goes on behind my fake smile and made up face.
I’m incredibly grateful to the people I have in my life. Blood family being the exception to that hence why they don’t know anything about my blog and what I write. I need to stop worrying and caring what they think about me even though it’s hard and I just want to feel like I’m not an outsider looking in. My family are my friends the ones I truly care about and the ones I enjoy spending time with. My friends are the ones i’d trust with my life and darkest secrets. My friends are the ones that help me and tell me what I need to hear. They encourage me to be stronger, they encourage me to keep fighting when I feel like giving up. The support workers, health visitor and any other professionals involved will probably never know how much they have done or how much they still do for me. I’ll be forever grateful to everyone who has helped me or still helping now.
I have no confidence I don’t know why people choose to be my friend or what I’ve done to deserve such wonderful kind helpful friends. These people are my life and I can’t imagine not having them in my life now. Wether it’s been 16 years, 7 years with a blip or 6 months. You people are my life, if you need me day or night I am there. I’ll be there through good times and bad, when you need to laugh or need to cry. If you need somehow to help you bury a body I’m there (lol hopefully this won’t happen). I am there though happiness and sadness and don’t ever think you can’t talk to me about stuff. I might be a crazy ass depressed bitch but I have a good heart. I trust them, I love them with out them and my children I’m nothing.