I’ve been neglecting my blog for a couple of weeks. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to write I’ve just not had the energy or anything of substance to write.
Things are the same as usual for me, I have a day or two of “normality” and then bam out of nowhere it comes back and slaps me round the face.
I don’t always know what causes these big dips in the road sometimes it’s easy to figure it out.
I overthink every situation, I want to say so,eating I build myself up to say something then I back out. Then I beat myself up for not having the balls say what I wanted to say. That’s when I get the feelings of depression.
Last week for my youngest boy we had a speech and language review and a portage review, I was anxious in a good way because since the youngest was was last seen by them he’s made so much progress and I couldn’t wait to tell them. So speech and Language turned up and she was so pleased to see his progress and he independently signed “more.” I was so happy I’ve been working my arse off for months to get him to sign and he did it. Relief or what. Only thing is portage didn’t turn up, no call no no apology the next day nothing. I was pissed because she hasn’t seen my little one since July. I wanted to share the progress he has made and get new targets for him. I called the school and I’m still waiting for a call to rearrange.
All this set off a stream of anxiety thinking are they going to continue their support?
If not can they at least visit him and tell me that this service is no longer needed. It also got me thinking that because he’s doing so well are all the support services other then speech and language going to stop? He goes to an early learning support provision 2 hours a week. There they do tactile play, sensory play, help him with his speech and language targets and help him with his development. They also teach him sign language he loves going and they are brilliant. I don’t want these sessions to stop just because he’s doing well. He’s doing well because he has these things in place. I don’t want these to stop just because he’s now making progress. I need these targets so I can get him back up to where he should be. He’s approx 9 months behind.
On Thursday after a support catch up visit at home I wound myself up, I built myself up to get something out in the open and tell the person what I would be working on with the new support from pathways. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t say anything then I got pissed off with myself. I felt very low afterwards beating myself up. Saying all the anxiety causing issues out loud I felt so stupid saying them because there’s been no say of services stopping it’s just my stupid anxiety.
3 years ago I was so bloody different. Before the heart defect diagnosis in my youngest I never needed any support, I never needed help, it wasn’t suppose to be this way. I was suppose to have my baby and come home and be a family of 4. I wasn’t suppose to have anxiety and depression and need all this help. It’s like I’m sick of needing help but at the same wondering what the fuck I’d do without these people now. It just wasn’t suppose to be this way. I miss the life I could have had, the life I had with my eldest just me and him and our family. I’m so grateful I have the support I just wonder what it would have been like to not have needed it.
I’m also grateful for my little un biological sister V. I can always be honest with her and tell her how I’m feeling. She gets it she understands and she doesn’t mince her words. She snot bitchy she just tells me it straight and tells me what i need to hear. I love her and I’d be lost without her.