The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Trying 


So yesterday was my youngest boys 2nd Birthday. I gotta admit the night before I was a little bit emotional. He’s growing up he’s 2 now. Sad reality that I no longer have a baby. His birthday was lovely I really enjoyed it, we had a really nice birthday party for him and the kids loved it. 


Today I’ve kept myself busy because I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what it meant for us 2 years ago. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and think of all the amazing things we’ve done since then. My counselling sessions are helping me see things in a different light. I’ve been told that I’m punishing myself and making myself re live it instead of moving on because I blame myself for his heart defect. My little boy has done brilliantly well since we were told about his heart defect. This time last year he could only sit up he couldn’t sit himself up, he could roll over, he couldn’t put his feet on the floor, stand or crawl. This year there’s a massive difference he can do all those things confidently now. He’s even moving around furniture to get to places. He’s not walking or talking yet but this time next he will be. 


I’ve shielded his diagnosis for so long because I didn’t want him treated any differently to other children. I didn’t want sympathy for him and I didn’t want attention on me or him. I’m becoming more open about it now sharing more about him. Not because I’m stuck in the past because I’m trying to think and look to the future. 


2 years ago was an extremely difficult day for me. Being told about a heart defect in your baby that’s only 2 days old. It’s a shock to the system. It wasn’t ever something I could prepare myself to hear. He’s come so far and I’m so proud of him and I’m trying to overcome this emotional side of it. I need to say the words out loud without crying or feeling tearful. I need to believe that I did cause this, I was not to blame and I need to stop punishing myself thinking I let my baby down. I need to stop being jealous of other children’s milestones and be grateful for the ones he’s hitting. I need to stop being jealous of people with healthy babies. I need to stop getting angry at people for making big dramas out of Childrens general ilnesses. They didn’t live through what I did. They don’t understand. 


One thing to help me find my future was the fact that the cardiology hospital appointment went well. His heart function is good, the residual vsd still there but causing no problems and we don’t need to go back for 13 months. Onwards and upwards. (Hopefully)

Improvements 

There been quite a change in me for some time now roughly 3 months. I’d say it’s the meds keeping me stable I don’t know. Either way things seem to be going well. 

Relationships with my family haven’t been great for a good few years. I always got upset when they didn’t make an effort but I’ve come to realise that some people don’t have the ability to change. I have learnt to accept them as they are. I see things differently now I always saw them as selfish but maybe he’s not actually the case. Yes it can be annoying that we don’t get help from them with my 2 boys. But at the same time they don’t know how to handle my eldest and they can’t pick up and carry my youngest either. So physically they can’t look after my boys. 

I can laugh and joke about not being the favourite and it’s doesn’t bother me anymore. They stuck up for me when things kicked off with another member of the family. That meant a lot to me. They finally see the person for who she is. 

Elsewhere my mood is stabilised, anxiety virtually non existent. Well except for today. It’s my sons annual check up tomorrow and I feel nervous as hell. It’s the first one in a year. First echo and ecg in a year too. I think everything is ok but I can’t only see the outside I don’t know what’s going on with his heart and it scares me. Once tomorrow is over if it all goes well I can relax again. I don’t like relying on people to look after my eldest because I never know how he’s going to behave what’s going to upset him and I’ll not be there to calm him down if it all kicks off. Everything is flaring up anxiety and I feel sick.

This Saturday is my beautiful youngest boys 2nd Birthday. Almost 2 years since my world crashed down around me. I hope things will be different. I don’t want to be upset from re living the past. I need to look to the future and stop punishing myself and blaming myself for his diagnosis. 

Feeling guilty 

I am so incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful children and I dint very often have a moan about them let alone on social media. Tonight I had a bit of a moan about how hard it is having a child 5 weeks away from turning 2 and him not being able to walk or talk. 

He’s got a development delay he’s non verbal and non weight baring. I love my kids with all I have but I’m struggling with his physical demands I hurt my wrist about 6 weeks ago and it’s becoming more painful. Having to fill out 2 lots of DLA forms for both my boys it’s mentally draining. 

Having the uncertainty of my eldest boys diagnosis for autism hanging over me still. I just want to be told officially it’s not a difficult request. I want to know 100% that he’s autistic so I know there’s reason for the way he acts. The way he behaves is because he’s autistic rather then is he or isn’t he?! 

I feel like I’m trying my best but it’s not good enough. I’m taking my meds and I feel different on them more confident and less anxious but tonight I feel so bad for saying what I have that I’m in tears. I don’t want anyone thinking bad of me for saying it. People don’t know how hard it with both boys. I don’t have family to support me or understand me and how hard it is. I feel alone in this.  

Feeling helpless


It’s only Tuesday but it’s been a tough and testing week for my mental health. Although me and my younger sister were close years ago we kinda drifted apart a little 2 years ago when we both had our youngest children. We recently got a bit closer after the fall out with my eldest sister. She’s gone into hospital to have a hip replacement. She went in last Thursday and we were all worrying as we didn’t hear anything for 9 hours. Finally we got news that she was out of theatre and doing ok but in a lot of pain. Over the weekend they got her out of bed and she took 4 steps. She’s missing her family and she’s missing her boys and I’m missing her too. She found out yesterday that her hip is now dislocated so today they put her under and did the manipulation. It’s worked…. temporarily. Basically they have fucked it up and she has to under go the hip replacement all over again tomorrow.

So that’s part of it…

So on Sunday I get a phone call from my mum telling me to stay calm and not panic. My dad has had a suspected heart attack they took him in an ambulance to one of the nearest hospitals. I get confirmation that it was a heart attack but he’s stable.He was transferred to another hospital miles and miles away from home to have an angiogram and a stent put in. He was suppose to be coming home today but he’s not. He’s got to stay in while they stabilise him on his meds. 

I feel utterly helpless I can’t visit either of them. I can’t do anything to help either of them. There’s so much going on all at once and I don’t know how much more I can handle before I completely fall apart. I have very little support because everyone is so overstretched and health visitor has been off sick for a couple of weeks. I don’t feel like I can keep going to friends because they have troubles of their own. I honestly feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. I’m trying to stay strong but I’m failing. 

Family

I haven’t got the closest family in the world. Most of the time we barely speak, not via text, no calls, not even on social media. I speak to my mum every so often and check to see if she’s ok that’s it. Going back 6 years ago we were all pretty close. We’d meet in town, I looked after my eldest sisters kids when she did a adult learning course once a week. We went to each other’s houses, met up at my mums like a family would. I don’t honestly know what happened between us all. Maybe we just drifted apart but my youngest sister and I remained close but we aren’t that close now. My eldest sister and I stopped talking about 2 years ago maybe even longer. I got tired of all the shit. I was never included in family meals out, days out I was never spoken to on any level social media phone calls etc. 

A year ago in November we made up and started talking again even though she was told months earlier to make peace she never did. I should have learnt my lesson back then as it’s clear she didn’t actually want me to be in her life. The same shit over and over again. So the shit hit the fan last night when none of my sisters have spoken to me via social media so I restricted access to the information I shared. Well the eldest wasn’t happy and started slagging me off. It’s all my fault. My mum for once actually defended me. It’s all petty but I got so upset by it. 


They really really upset me and hurt me. I’m no angel but I’m a good person. I would bend over backwards to help anyone. Last year I raised £100 for 2 different charities. At Christmas I donated brand new toys and shower gift sets I’d gone out and bought especially for a charity that helps me out. I did that off my own back for no other reason then to genuinely want to help. So why do I get so much shit back? Why do I deserve to be treated with such ignorance and disrespect? 


Last night I worked myself up so much so much pent up emotion from the fall out and the visit before all this kicked off. I was shaking, shivering, I nearly made myself sick from crying and I couldn’t breathe properly. This is what they did to me. But they will never understand how hurtful it is. I keep myself to myself I do nothing wrong to anyone. I phoned V after messsging her and she calmed me down. I was in a proper state. I do love that girl she has this amazing power to say exactly what you need to hear in that moment. 

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow but it’s pretty pointless going because I haven’t taken the meds he prescribed me. I might as well have cancelled. Anyway I’ve ranted on enough I must go I have a bubble bath waiting for me. 

Ok 

Thursday was a pretty bad day. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but my friend L and I were talking on Facebook messenger and asked if I wanted to meet her Friday morning while my youngest was at toddler group. I would have normally said no but I really wanted company and I agreed.

We ended up spending the whole day together she took me to get my little one from toddler group and the she said she would kidnap us. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed her company. Sat there chatting and watching the kids play. It started the ok couple of days I’d had. 

Yesterday after my oldest son lost some Lego under the sofa I decided to change around my entire living room. It looks so much nicer and more spacious now. I was knackered after all that went to bed early and the little one had me up early so I was still tired this morning. Normally on a Sunday I don’t do a great deal but I made cupcakes with my oldest, cleaned out the guinea pig, swept the carpet (because the oldest being autistic he hates the sound of the hoover) then cleaned all the windows, washed my bright pink hair then cleaned up the mess I made in the bathroom, dried and straightened my hair then finally sat down to watch a bit of a film before the youngest boy got tired. So basically I’ve hardly had any time to relax today. Because it’s been so crazy and the youngest boy not going to sleep when he should have it got to my emotions. I got upset over stupid little things, my husband ignored the fact I was stressing at the kids and continued to spend half an hour cooking his own tea while I didn’t even get to eat the crappy pasta snack mug thing I made for mine. So today was crap. Hoping tomorrow will be better.