Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

6 weeks

I’ve been giving this self referral some thought for the steps 2 change and decided I’d give it another chance. If I’m gonna feel better about things I’ve got to. 

There’s a few things bothering me though, as far as my knowledge goes you get 6 weeks so basically I’ve gotta go in on week 1 for an hour and tell them my life story. 15 years of self hate and awful memories to relive with a complete stranger then it gives me 5 more weeks to come to terms with everything And your sent on your way again. 

How is 6 sessions going to make anything ok? How can I go in to this session and open up to a complete stranger when it’s so difficult for me? If I were to write it down easy not a problem I do it daily. I write what I need to get out my head. It kinda helps. I hide behind a fake smile hair done and make up done. But no-one bothers to notice  when I don’t do these things. It’s not because I feel comfortable eviugh to do it it’s because it’s my way of saying I’m not as ok as I look. It’s kind of a sign for help. I tried to call my support worker yesterday but no answer twice. I needed someone yesterday my day went to shit. I needed to talk to someone. Anxiety sky rocketed and I was totally and utterly alone. Then I had to pick up my eldest boy and plaster that fake smile back on and pretend everything was fine. 

I struggled today too but had no-one around me. We had a family day out with HS charity in our county. The coach was an hour late and it was packed full of strangers it wasn’t easy. I felt out if my comfort zone with nothing I could do about it. Last drop in session tomorrow so I’m hoping that once my hubby arrives there I can leave the kids with him and go have a chat with my support worker it’s my last chance for a couple of weeks now then it’s all go again the new year with all these referrals. 

Using humour 


I’ve been hiding behind funny posts and cheerful status updates to hide how I’m actually feeling. I’m already nervous for my “proper” counselling session next week. A trauma counseller with a specialist area. I’m tearful when I’m alone and I can’t help it. I’ve been watching, sharing and commenting on funny posts and videos on social networking sites. 

I’ve only ever left my boys and gone out of town once before that was a family members funeral last year that’s nother thing thing playing on my mind. 


I don’t know if I’m relying on people too much for support or If I’m getting it right or wether I should be doing it on my own. I just second guess everything and over think everything and think the worst of every situation. It’s been a pretty tough year and a bit. I sometimes wonder how I’m  still going, how I’ve not given up and run away despite wanting to several times. I’m disappointed in myself, I’m letting myself down and I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to get through this but I can’t do it alone I’m scared to do it alone but maybe I need to grow up grow a pair and get on with it?! 

Mixed emotions 

I’m sat here with my boys asleep processing what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and its completely mixed and at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand after such a brilliant day out yesterday and my littlest boys weigh in going well today I’m feeling good, but then thinking about tomorrow I’m extremely nervous and anxious. 

Let’s start with yesterday it was our second family day out this time we went to The Deep in Hull. Long ass train journey but so worth it when we got there, my eldest handled things well and no meltdowns until coming home. He loved all the different fish we saw and the Sharks and he got really into it and he seems to really enjoy it. He got a bit anxious on the way home mainly trying to go on the wrong train home and wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t our train. Then missing another train due to confusion we had to wait an hour for the next train. The poor kid was knackered and I was pissed off too so who could blame him for being upset. 


A few of the pics from the train journey. It was such a great day and we all really enjoyed it. Those days out we’ve had to break up the holidays have done wonders, it’s been so nice going further afield and putting that money to good use. Without that funding there’s no way we could have done the things we have done. It’s been nice. 


Today I took my little boy to our local health clinic to get his 8 weeks check over with. He’s doing fret which isn’t anything new he’s a little superstar. He’s gained almost a pound since he was last weighed. After a discussion last week with my support worker from home start charity I was querying if he still needed to be seen this often so I asked today and it’s great news that he doesn’t. So I’m happy.  While ago it was different when the health visiting team were supporting me with my mental health and weaning and sleeping but he’s doing brilliantly nowand I don’t need the support from them. So I’m happy that we can be like everyone else now. Also no physio outside of the house to,stop people asking questions that don’t concern them. So all is good. 

About tomorrow though, I start my Trauma counselling and it’s nerve racking I have to go about 20 miles away from home and it’s only 20 mins by train but it’s the fact I haven’t been away from my kids for that long since the little ones op. It’s just something I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. Starting over counselling with someone new it’s going to be hard I don’t know what info would have already been passed on. But I’m still going to have to talk about stuff and my feelings in depth. Scary. Trying not to overthink but it’s what I do best. 

Update..

Well I don’t know how I’ve done it but we are more then half way through the holidays and I’ve survived on my own for 4 weeks. Now my husband has some time off he can take over a little and I can relax a little bit. I have a review on Tuesday with my support worker and I have a girly day planned with V. Looking forward to it as my hubby is having the boys while I go to lunch. 


My counselling session on Tuesday was emotional and draining but talking about difficult  things it’s expected to make me feel like that. I got through it and I was able to feel a bit better Wednesday with a busy day with the kids. I’ve been referred for other counselling but it’s not in my home town. It’s a bit further away and I’d have to travel by train to get there and  I’ve  looked into child minders for my boys. To be honest it’s always in the back of mind, how will I afford the childcare? Who will I find to look after the boys? How will I tell my husband that I need to find someone to look after them and explain why I’m going out of town to see someone. He might think I’m bloody having an affair. I can’t talk to him he’s not the most understanding he turns thing back round to being about him. 


I guess my biggest worries about the new counselling is starting all over again with someone different, travelling alone, going to the session alone, coming out alone and travelling home alone. I’ve done all the previous sessions with support I don’t know how I’ll do it alone. Something I’m going to have to find out I guess. 

 
I don’t know what people see that I don’t, I tell people I’m struggling, I tell people I’m not coping and they tell me I’m doing fine and I’m doing great. What can they see that I can’t? I suriving the last 4 weeks but barely and relying on other people for help and support. That to me isn’t doing great. Maybe I’m too hard on myself? 

I decided after my counselling on tuesday that I would create a mood book. Not just writing things down but drawings, quotes, song lyrics things, person I want to be and the person I am now. It’s something I can create that can be positive and show what obstacles I’ve got to overcome. Every sketch has a meaning and although they aren’t brilliant I think they look ok. Just a few of the drawings I’ve done for my book. 

Song Lyrics

This song touches home with me and I relate to the lyrics well. If I could write a song this would be it but this is Florence and the machine. Although Glee did a beautiful rendition of it which is much slower and that’s the version I prefer. 

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I’m always dragging that horse around
All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone

It’s always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa…
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t

So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope

It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

This song represents my thoughts towards my last and the fact I can’t let go of it and I’m always “dragging it around with me”

I have counselling on Wednesday I’m nervous, it’s been a month it kinda needs to be more regular but I struggle with childcare and I can’t take the little one with me. It’s something I need to do alone to concentrate and talk freely. I wish my family were more supportive and understanding. My auntie is really helpful but I can’t keep asking her to help. 

Yesterday

Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading for a month I started counselling sessions for a traumatic event I suffered as a teenager. I can’t and won’t go into detail, right now too many people I know have my blog and I can’t share my story right now.

I had been feeling anxious since Friday the butterflies and nerves really kicking in on Monday morning. I was in afoul mood and really not much company. Yesterday morning came and I was even more nervous holding back tears all morning. As soon as family group was over I was in tears but I held them off when my auntie came to look after my youngest son. As soon as I left the house to meet my support worker the tears just kept going. I was a nervous wreck, I got to the place I was meeting my support worker and she picked up how I was feeling and tried alot of distraction chat to keep my mind off it.

I got to the place I had my counselling session and I sat nervously waiting for my appointment. The waiting room was dark and dindgy. Not very nice at all. My support worker came in the room with me for real first 5 mins until we got to the personal bits of the from filling she had to leave. She waited on the waiting room for me. The personal questions came and so did the tears. She asked me questions I’d avoided for years. She kept saying the same word over and over again a word I’ve never said and avoided confronting for many years aswell.

I sat and told very personal details to a complete stranger and I sat and cried in front of a complete stranger. I felt very vulnerable and everything felt very raw after the session finished. My eyes were sore from crying, my nose was blocked and my make up was non existent. I was so grateful for my support worker being there waiting for me to come out I needed that. I got a taxi to go pick up my eldest from school and go back home to my youngest then I had to pretend to be normal cook their tea and be their mum. I was grateful to V she came up to my house and she was there until the kids bath time and she went home. I needed her I broke down several times while she was with me and it felt like a huge release.

Once the kids were in bed and asleep the emotions carried on pouring out. My husband wasn’t suppose to know what was going on but the way he was acting it was like he was trying too hard. He was acting weird and it pissed me off. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable but he kept pushing so this morning I snapped at him. I don’t exactly mean to but he soon got the hint. I needed time to get my head around things I’ve told him I have depression he’s suppose to understand if I have a bad day not push me.

My next appointment is next month another month away. So I have time to get my emotions in check and get prepared for next time.