The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Christmas 2016

I’ve been looking forward to Christmas this year. Although mental health has took a downward turn the last few months I’ve actually felt better then I did last year. 

I’ve been kinder to myself this year and not expected too much from myself. I think that it helped me enjoy the day more. 

I waited for the kids to wake up with the excitement of seeing them open their presents and they eventually woke up at 7. They opened the stockings and my eldest got his present from Eddie the elf that’s been playing tricks on him this month. Their little faces when they saw the mountain of presents was priceless. 

I cooked and ate a full dinner at lunch time with no pressure on myself I too my time asked for help when it was needed and my god I can cook. It was lovely, Everyone enjoyed their meal. 

I’ve spent the day running around like a blue arse fly but it kept anxiety and depression at bay for this one magical day. For this one day I was the mum I want to be all the time to my children not on edge but relaxed. Everything was taken in its stride today. 

Hope everyone has had a lovely day. Merry Christmas everyone 🎅🏻⛄️❄️

The past 

When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I  made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened. 

Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If  they would think it’s my fault.

I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?