The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Trying 


So yesterday was my youngest boys 2nd Birthday. I gotta admit the night before I was a little bit emotional. He’s growing up he’s 2 now. Sad reality that I no longer have a baby. His birthday was lovely I really enjoyed it, we had a really nice birthday party for him and the kids loved it. 


Today I’ve kept myself busy because I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what it meant for us 2 years ago. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and think of all the amazing things we’ve done since then. My counselling sessions are helping me see things in a different light. I’ve been told that I’m punishing myself and making myself re live it instead of moving on because I blame myself for his heart defect. My little boy has done brilliantly well since we were told about his heart defect. This time last year he could only sit up he couldn’t sit himself up, he could roll over, he couldn’t put his feet on the floor, stand or crawl. This year there’s a massive difference he can do all those things confidently now. He’s even moving around furniture to get to places. He’s not walking or talking yet but this time next he will be. 


I’ve shielded his diagnosis for so long because I didn’t want him treated any differently to other children. I didn’t want sympathy for him and I didn’t want attention on me or him. I’m becoming more open about it now sharing more about him. Not because I’m stuck in the past because I’m trying to think and look to the future. 


2 years ago was an extremely difficult day for me. Being told about a heart defect in your baby that’s only 2 days old. It’s a shock to the system. It wasn’t ever something I could prepare myself to hear. He’s come so far and I’m so proud of him and I’m trying to overcome this emotional side of it. I need to say the words out loud without crying or feeling tearful. I need to believe that I did cause this, I was not to blame and I need to stop punishing myself thinking I let my baby down. I need to stop being jealous of other children’s milestones and be grateful for the ones he’s hitting. I need to stop being jealous of people with healthy babies. I need to stop getting angry at people for making big dramas out of Childrens general ilnesses. They didn’t live through what I did. They don’t understand. 


One thing to help me find my future was the fact that the cardiology hospital appointment went well. His heart function is good, the residual vsd still there but causing no problems and we don’t need to go back for 13 months. Onwards and upwards. (Hopefully)

So called family 


I’ve been thinking about the support I get and how grateful I am to have it. Maybe if my “family” were more helpful or more supportive maybe I wouldn’t rely on these people so much. 

If I had a half decent support network from my mum and sisters instead if being ignored and pushed out I wouldn’t need to talk to a support worker so much. Not that I’m not grateful she’s there because I’ll br forever grateful to her. She’s saved my life and she’s saved my family. She’s my inspiration. I’d love to in a couple of years time use my experience as needing support to support someone else. 


I sit with tears falling down my face wondering why my family ignore me and cast me aside. Wondering why I’m not good enough for them. Why my boys get ignored? Innocent children also get cast aside in favour of my sister. What did they ever do wrong? I’m only good enough when my mum wants her hair colouring or my dad wants Christmas cards writing. None of them have a clue what I’ve gone through in the past, what I’ve been through with my youngest or the daily struggles I face with depression ptsd and anxiety. What did I ever do to deserve being treated the way I get treated by them? Why can’t I have a loving family? Someone to talk to on tough days? Someone to confide in? My mum to understand what I’ve been through, someone to tell me everything will be ok. I don’t have that. I never will. 


My sisters are my two closest friends D and V. D being my big sister and V my little sister. These girls are my family. They love me for who I am flaws and all, they love my boys for exactly who they are. They support me, listen to me when I need a sounding board and they are honest with me. V gets me I can tell her anything and this means to world to me. I can ask her anything and she’ll tell me the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear. She gets me because she herself has mental health issues so we can bounce off each other and support each other. Without the support and the few close friends I have I’ve no idea where I’d be. I just know it would be a very dark place. 

Heart mum problems

So having a child with a heart defect really isn’t easy. I guess I’m relatively lucky that my little one doesn’t really have that many problems with his heart now but he still has a residual vsd. 

When he gets poorly whether is a common cold or any other illness I immediately think it’s something more serious. It’s inbuilt in me to think the worst. My little one now 19 months picks up ilnesses and infections quickly. He’s picked up a viral infection as soon as he started coughing I took him to the doctors to be checked in case it was a chest infection. I swear they look at me like I’m crazy but once they see his scar they realise I’m not. 

It’s reassuring that I’ve asked other heart mums if they overly worry and thank his they said they do. All the time. I’m glad it’s not just me worrying over minor illnesses. What other parents don’t realise is when your child has been through so much at such a young age they are even more precious. When doctors have stopped your baby’s heart and it’s been worked by machines you wonder if it’s ever going to re start itself. So while a viral infection is not nice for healthy children it’s harder for children with heart issues. They are at bigger risk from infection, their hearts have to work harder, their bodies have to work harder and it’s knocks the wind out of them. I see my snotty little baby struggling with this viral infection and I go right back to feeling helpless. 

Mums with healthy babies should be so grateful they haven’t had to deal with what us heart mums have, don’t ever be dramatic about “poorly” children when they haven’t had open heart surgery where infections can be life threatening or a lot more serious. 

Don’t compare your child to mine because it’s not a competition to see who has it worse. I’m my own worst enemy because I compare development stages and I shouldn’t so don’t do it for me. Be there to support me when I say my baby isn’t feeling well don’t just presume it’s nothing it’s never nothing with heart babies. 

It’s depression


It’s about a year since I was told I have post natal depression. At first I didn’t accept it I was fine I was just trying to get over everything I went through with my youngest and on top of that I was dealing with the possibility of my eldest having autism and not really understanding it. 


I still don’t now if I’m honest. My life is dictated by a 5 year old part of me does it because it keeps meltdowns to a minimum and I want an easy life. Part of me can’t stand it. He decides when he’s had enough of places because of sensory overload. It’s frustrating and it’s annoying and it’s lonely as hell. 


I didn’t realise until last night when my friend pointed it out to me that it’s depression making me feel like a shit mum not because I am a shit mum. How could I not realise that? I still think I am a crappy mother depression or not. I’m lonely and I’m trying to keep 2 kids entertained for 10 hours a day. It’s exhausting my house is a mess, I don’t get to finish a meal providing I actually make one. I just keep plodding on in my own lonely little world. I wish people understood this I wish I could tell more people. I wish I could say to the people who support me what I say in this blog. This is my only way of getting it out there. I need conversation I need to talk this through with someone. 


I’m not coping aswell as everyone thinks I am. There’s no physical scars for people to see that I’m hurting and so tired and so alone with this. I plaster on the make up as a mask make myself and everyone else believe I’m ok. 


If there were actual physical scars maybe it would get noticed maybe they would realise I’m not as ok as I make out. Now I’m not saying I’m gonna go hurting myself because I’m not. I don’t want to. I just wish I could say all this out loud and be heard and be understood. For them to realise they shouldn’t just presume I’m ok when I say I’m fine I’m not. I’m just afraid of admitting it to them. I’m afraid of the judgment and the talking behind my back amongst themselves. Filling each other in on what I’ve said and done. 

Depression sucks and most of the time I can bury it away and almost seem normal but then like a switch goes off and I’m back to where I was. It makes me question everything, it makes my anxiety ten times worse and it makes me a horrible person to be around. I’m snappy, I’m emotional and I push people away. I want my life back. I want normality back. I want to live and forgot everything from the past that hurts me.

Strange week 

This week has been pretty awful. Since last Saturday my anxiety was driving me to think I was crazy. Convincing myself that there was something seriously wrong with my little one. I was convinced and panicking that he was blue around the mouth and he wasn’t. I took him to the doctors to get checked over and left feeling worse because it was a simple viral infection that was just draining him of energy. I swear I feel like I’ve been going mad. 

My 5 year old has been unhappy all week going to school upset and coming home upset and unhappy. I don’t know what going on with him he barely ate properly until Thursday. I don’t know why he’s unsettled and unhappy I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or if he’s just having a bad week. With him having a very limited diet I’ve been trying to get him to eat new food. I got dome sonics from a friend and she suggested we cook together so yesterday we had some one on one time and made sweet potato chips and he loved them. I felt very proud of him. There was no hesitation and he was so excited to make them. Bless him. 

That was our finished result.

End of the week hasn’t turned out so bad it’s ended kinda well. My friend V came up to mine this afternoon with her hubby and kids. Few weeks ago she wanted her hair coloured blue well god knows what the hairdresser did to it but it was knackered it was green and washed out after like one or two washes. So I’ve sorted it for her this afternoon. It was a blondey greeny colour and now it’s cosmic blue and pink. It’s looking awesome. 

Have to share the results


The feeling I get when someone likes their hair and they feel great after is brillian. I feel so normal and I get lost in the hairdressing and I feel confident. Like the days before depression. If I could feel that way on a permanent basis I would. 

World Heart Day

Some Bonds Cannot Be Understood ❤️
Some bonds cannot be understood…

Unless you have walked them before… 

A path that I would not have chosen… 

A future I just can’t ignore.
We’ve all watched our children intently… 

Memorizing each line… 

And let them leave our loving arms… 

And prayed things would be fine. 
We’ve paced the halls awaiting news… 

And wondered just what lie in store… 

We’ve felt our own heart’s racing as… 

We walked through an PICU door.
We’ve seen the child we love so much… 

Struggling to overcome… 

The lines…the cords….the monitors… 

No thoughts…no words…would come… 
We’ve prayed for an improvement… 

We’ve laid it in God’s hands.. 

We’ve cried…we’ve hoped…we’ve worried… 

We’ve wondered of God’s plans. 
We’ve learned just how a heart works… 

Each valve and artery… 

We’ve asked alot of questions… 

We’ve faced each surgery. 
And somewhere down this well worn path… 

We’ve met more families… 

Who know exactly what it means… 

To live with this disease. 
We’ve smiled at every triumph… 

And shared in every sigh… 

We’ve prayed for a child that struggles… 

And each family that must say goodbye. 
Some battles are fought with bullets… 

And weapons made for war… 

While these are fought in silence… 

Behind a hospital door.
We’ve wondered what lies in our future… 

We’ve been thankful for just one more day… 

We’ve stopped and watched with tear-filled eyes… 

Our children…as they play. 
We’ve struggled with ounces and weight gain…

Why won’t my child just eat? 

But heart parents …we’re a tough group… 

We’ve learned how to face a defeat. 
We’ve faced those moments…others do… 

When life has got us stressed… 

But it doesn’t take long to remember… 

That we are richly blessed. 
We’ve taken on a whole new role… 

One we wouldn’t exchange if we could… 

We know that life is difficult… 

We hold onto all that is good. 
God chose each of us carefully… 

I do believe he smiled… 

Some bonds begin with strangers… 

And each very special child ❤️