The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Privacy

A few weeks ago like I mentioned in a previous post I was contacted by a children’s heart charity about my sons story. Last night it was published on their website so I shared it to my Facebook page, well both actually. It’s had done lovely comments on it and a fair few likes. To my surprise it also had a few shares. One friend I actually feel guilty but I asked her to remove the link. 

She volunteered for the charity I get support from so she has many of these people on her Facebook account. These people know nothing about my sons heart defect as I’ve remained quiet about it. I don’t want them knowing. As far as they are concerned they don’t know the reason I get support. I fear that once they know they will do the whole sympathy thing. The tilted head, the “oh bless him” blah blah. Neither of us need their sympathy. 

Is that wrong? Should I have said something by now? By not telling people it’s not attention seeking. I feared that ht would be seen as that. I don’t share posts wanting likes on Facebook or sympathy, it’s to make people aware. It’s to show people how tough it’s been. To show the people who moan about their kids constantly how easy they have had it. 


In a way I wish I had said something, keeping it quiet isn’t easy. Sometimes when one mother takes her kid to the Drs over every stupid little thing I wish I had said something. She needs a big fuck off reality check. Stupid little bitch. 

Breakdown 

Today was a really really bad day. I’d felt ok but my emotions got the better of me. We’d gone to the family group to play I was looking forward to it because I’d not been for a few weeks because of the course I was doing. My little one just wouldn’t go and play and enjoy himself he just sat and whinged for me so I picked up my stuff got him ready and left. I saw a friend on the way out and I just burst into tears but I still left even after she tried to get me to stay. 

I thought I could slip out quietly with no-one noticing but just as I left I got a call from my support worker leaving a voicemail as I didn’t find my phone on time. I didn’t mean to cause anyone to worry about me I guess it was nice that they cared enough to call. I convinced them I was fine but I guess it wasn’t enough. I didn’t wanna be alone but I thought my reasons for being upset were stupid. 

It was an after effect from yesterday making my emotions run high. I eventually decided I needed to talk so my support worker came to my house. I chatted and told her why I left etc felt stupid but she understood. Luckily.

I’ve felt crap all day extremely low I’ve basically cried all day. It’s been hard. I’m annoyed with myself because this depression I had under control now it’s spiralling again. I don’t want to be a zombie on meds I just want to control it and feel ok. I only let people see the version of me I create. I let the mask slip today and I didn’t like it. The friend who tried to persuade me to stay picked up on the depression straight away. She said she didn’t know and that’s how I want it to be. 

The past 

When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I  made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened. 

Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If  they would think it’s my fault.

I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?

Feeling stronger

Since I made the decision to get my life back I’ve been feeling so much better and stronger. I feel amazing. I’m pushing myself in a good way to see what my limits are. I find I’m being more open about the youngest and the depression I had recently. I’ve not been such a closed book and I feel like being able to talk about stuff is what’s helping me feel that bit stronger. 

It’s nice feeling like the dark cloud I had looming over me for so long is finally going. I feel more positive and what’s on the inside must be showing on the outside because I’m being told how well I look.  I honestly can’t believe the change in me from how I felt a few weeks ago. I definitely feel like my spirit is back. I’m actually doing things on my own with support for back up. It feels so good knowing it’s not fake or forced when I’m smiling now it’s genuine how I feel is genuine. I also feel like I’m dealing with things around me alot easier. It’s easier to make and keep plans with friends, I spend more time at home which I feel quite proud of myself for because a few months ago I couldn’t be at home for any length of time. I let my husband do more with the kids now then I did before which speaks volumes in my world. 

So far I haven’t dipped down but I feel that if I do I’m strong enough to cope and pull myself through it. I’m eating quite well too which I feel is another dramatic change in me. A few weeks ago I felt weak, I felt defeated and I’d lost myself completely. I’d felt extremely low I’d not felt like that in a long time. Now I feel so much better and dare I say it I feel happy and content within myself. I feel secure about how I’m feeling and how I’m handling things. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life and celebrating my little superheroes birthday in less then 2 weeks. I look forward to the day I can say I’m over it all and how I used to be depressed. I’m getting there and that day doesn’t feel too far away anymore. 

CHD Awareness

5th of Feb is heart day… Something a year ago I knew nothing about. I knew next to nothing about heart defects the only thing I knew was some babies were born with a hole in their heart and that’s it. I didn’t know that 1 in every 100 babies will be born with a heart defect of some kind and I didn’t know that my baby would be that 1 in 100.

A year later I know more about heart defects that I ever wanted to know. Tetralogy of fallot something that until almost 10 months ago I’d never heard of. Basically it means 4 things wrong with the heart – 2 holes ASD (atrial septal defect) a hole that should close at birth a VSD (ventricular septal defect) a big hole between the two pumping chambers of the heart mixing blue and red blood. Right ventricular hypertrophy the right side of the hearts muscle thickened due to it having to work harder and an overriding aorta the main artery on the heart in the wrong place because of the VSD. Worst part of this particular defect is its only correctable by open heart surgery. So that meant a major operation on my 5 month old baby. Before the surgery it meant a nurse checking oxygen sats weekly, weekly weigh in’s with a Heath visitor and monthly hospital visits for ecg’s and echos. All the things you would expect to see on an episode of Holby city not real life.

I joined groups on Facebook to get more Information and read other people’s stories, I googled the diagnosis every night and hoped every night that the hospital had got it wrong. Sadly not. I lived through months of worry and sleepless nights, week after week and month after month of constant check ups. But nothing could have prepared me for the actual operation. You never expect to be told your baby is sick but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt its that my son is much stronger then I ever thought possible. Much stronger then I ever was. He had major heart surgery almost 5 months ago and bounced back to being a healthy baby how he should have been born as. I’m so proud to be a heart mum to my little superhero ❤️