Somewhere in between.

There are people I know that are struggling to conceive to become pregnant. I am incredibly blessed to have been given the chance to have 2 beautiful little boys. For that I will always be grateful. Shopping in a city near home yesterday with my boys and in laws I walked past mamas and papas and there was this pain in me. The upset of knowing I’ll never again have another baby, I’ll never again be pregnant and have another baby. It’s all been cruelly snatched away from like it’s not my choice to make anymore, nature has other ideas by giving me the two children I have.

I have 2 beautiful boys aged 6 and 2 I love them with all my heart. They both have additional needs and they both require a lot of extra care therefore making my decision to have another child a clear one. Also having depression and anxiety wouldn’t be a great factor to go through another pregnancy.

It doesn’t make the decision any easier though. Watching other people living with healthy children with no issues I feel so jealous of them, they don’t realise how lucky they are, they take parenting for granted they have beautiful wonderful healthy children and they don’t want to parent their kids. They bitch and moan about their kids and they don’t realise how lucky they are.I’d kill for that. I’d kill for the taste of what it would be like without the difficulties of having an autistic child and a child with no speech and development delay. I love my family and we have become closer but I get no support, praise or understanding from them. They don’t share my enthusiasm when my youngest shows me he can sign certain words. They aren’t interested. They don’t see the meltdowns I get from my eldest when something isn’t working right or he’s tired from his sleepover at my mums last. They don’t get that he has a routine for a reason and he goes to bed at a certain time otherwise he’s over tired and over stimulated.

I feel alone in the world coping with the boys, my husband gets and he wants to come home from work to be told everything is fine and nothings happened. In an ideal world wouldn’t we all but it just doesn’t happen that way. I’m not going to lie just so it makes him feel better. He has no idea how hard it is he’s never spent more than a few hours on his own with both boys.

I’m caught somewhere in the middle of wishing I could have another child so I can try and have a healthy baby with no issues and thinking these two have additional needs and it’s hard enough so there’s no way I could cope with another child if he or she turned out to have medical problems or additional needs. It would most likely send me over the edge. It’s just so upsetting wondering what if and wondering if I could be the reason the boys have additional needs. I sit here with tears rolling down my face typing this post with no real reason why I’m crying. It’s not like I planned to have more kids, it’s not like I’ve been told medically it’s not possible. But mentally for me it’s not possible. My heart breaks for the newborn days I don’t remember 2 years ago through anxiety stress and worry. I cry because I won’t get those days back and I don’t get a second chance do it all over again. I wish there was some understanding somehow of how hard it’s been and how hard it is.

I’m not being a drama queen when I say my youngest is poorly, it really take it out of him when he’s ill, his body has to work harder and in turn he tires more and sleeps more. He’s a strong little boy but he’s been though a lot at such a young age. It causes more stress and anxiety for me because I’m prone to over thinking so I’m even more on edge, listening out for him breathing, checking he’s not sucking his tummy in as he breathes, checking his lips aren’t blue. Checking he’s not too hot or not too cold. Panicking when I can’t hear him breathe and putting my hand on his chest to make sure it’s rising and falling. It’s exhausting physically and mentally.

People say they get it but they don’t, its a lonely life of a chd and spectrum mum.

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Another blow

So I said that the charity that was the main support for me had lost funding so they couldn’t keep going with the sessions i was going to. A friend of mine V went to a counselling session for herself today (same one that I am suppose to be starting in a couple of weeks.) she was told that she can’t be seen anymore because she’s also lost her funding. It comes as yet another blow because I’m changing my son’s nursery day specially to fit around this counselling. I was told it would be every week on a Thursday but turns out it would have been every 6 weeks. But it looks like it’s not gong to go ahead anyway. I was relying on that to make me feel better and get better from this relapse. I was relying on to open up old wounds and get rid of old demons still haunting me, but now I can’t. What the hell will I do now? How am I ever going to feel better? And stop letting my past haunt me? How will I ever be able to talk about it.. I can’t go back to S2c because that will feel like a massive failure on my part. I tried other counselling and I couldn’t do it. I’ve fucked up my only chances to get real help.

I now have this genetics appointment through for 29th September at the hospital we always go to so I don’t have to travel too far. But to be honest it’s not the travelling I’m worried about. It’s the blood tests, the questions, the results, the whole fucking process. It’s not like it’s just one appointment. It might be 3 or 4 or whatever. What if there a genetic problem? I mean come on I’ve got one child with autism and one child with a heart defect it’s gotta be somehow my fault. I created them it’s my doing. My body let my kids down. I won’t have any other children now, i can’t put myself that through any of this again. There’s a possibility my youngest as well as having the heart defect could also be autistic. I can’t deal with it. I just try to pretend everything’s ok. My head is a shed.

Having an autistic child is extremely challenging it will make you question on a daily basis what you do wrong to start a meltdown. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, it’s draining and upsetting when I don’t know how to help him sometimes. I wanna protect him from the world who judge him because he has a sensory disability. He hates hand dryers and we have to use the disabled toilets so he doesn’t hear the hand dryers. We get stared at for using them because people presume having a disability means a physical disability. He gets overwhelmed when its crowded, he gets overwhelmed at birthday parties. It’s a daily struggle so I can’t cope with two of them being autistic. It’s hard enough with one let alone both.

The youngest with his heart defect is seeing him before his operation struggling to finish his bottles because he got breathless quickly. He constantly fed. He still gained weight but he was always feeding. He wasn’t allowed to cry for long periods of time because he turned blue. Then taking him,down to the theatre and kissing him goodbye for what you think maybe the last time. Waiting for news for the longest 5 hours of my life. Seeing him in picu hooked up to machines breathing for him giving his heart a rest. It’s something you never get over. The struggle didn’t end after surgery it’s not like surgery is a cure it’s just fixes his heart his heart will never be normal he will always have tetralogy of fallot. This is why I will never have more children this is burned into me for life. I can’t take the risk of having another child with a heart defect.

Letting myself down

After my last post was so positive I’ve been avoiding my blog. Things were going really well and I honestly thought my troubles were behind me. 

I didn’t realise that anxiety is a bitch and without warning it will creep on you and attack you again. I’ve been feeling bad for a few weeks now. Not as bad as I was but bad enough to notice I’m not feeling right. I can’t get a restful sleep or when I do sleep I’m still knackered. I wake up and anxiety is there in the pit of my stomach. I wish I knew why. I maybe know part of the reason I saw a person from my past twice within days of each sighting. Since then I’ve not been right. The 6 weeks holidays have been hard and pushing me to my limit. I haven’t had a lot of time to myself, I’ve had both boys for 5 weeks and the last two weeks my husband at home too. 

We had 5 days away at my in laws it was nice but it wasn’t a holiday. I missed having my own space and my home comforts. They let my 6 year old get away with murder, they gave him all the attention he craved and then he went off on one when he no longer got it. It was hard work. 

We got home and we had a massive fight once the kids were in bed. Same fight we always has, he thinks I do nothing while he goes out to work etc etc. I was fuming and upset I threw my wedding ring at him and told him I was done. I packed a suitcase full of his clothes told him I wanted him gone. He never tells me anything, I tell him stuff it’s met with eye rolling and disgust. I’m hanging on by a thread. I keep trying and trying to make it work but I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I’m giving it one last go then I am done permanently. It’s hard feeling the way I do because even though I’m trying to not feel down and anxious I can’t pretend. I am fighting a losing battle everything around me just feels like it’s ready to fall apart and here I am trying to keep it all together. 

I feel like a failure for having everyone tell me how well I’d done and how far I’d come and now to admit to them I’m not doing so well feels like a massive step backwards. Even though there’s been little no appointments I still have a lot going on. I have appointments waiting to be come through, once September gets here portage starts back up, I have to settle my 2 year old into nursery and wait for genetics to send an appointment through. I also have a speech and language review for my 2 year old coming up in the next month and a meeting with all professionals so it’s still a lot to juggle. 

I’m letting everyone around me down while once again I struggle with anxiety and depression. My main source of support from the charity has stopped they have no funding so that it’s my support has ended. The family support worker was going to come with me to genetics appointment because I didn’t want to go alone. She was there when I felt low and needed someone to talk to now I feel completely in my own. While I don’t need as much support as I did I still need that person there. I hide things away from family and close friends because I’m ashamed that it’s getting to me again. I held off my blog, my safety net because I felt like a fraud saying how well I’d done to now feel so shit. There’s so much going on not even I can explain it. I just keep it all to myself. I’m lucky that my youngest has a health visitor still (she’s a new one) been involved since before Christmas and she’s lovely she’s really supportive. I know she’s not gonna be around and able to visit as I need so I don’t know what I’m going to do going forward but I need to do something because I’ll be damned if I’m going any further down than I am now. 

Autism poem

This morning I cried. This morning I put my head in my hand, and let the tears fall. 
I’m not grieving. 

I haven’t been seriously hurt. 

I don’t feel unloved. 

Or any other obvious reasons to weap. 

I cried because I’m tired. 

No not just tired, it’s way beyond that. 

My body is screaming at me. 

I feel like my body is shutting down bit by bit. 

Tiredness so severe it hurts. 

I’m 10 years into this life, as a parent to a disabled child. 
I’m 2 weeks into the summer holidays. And my body is failing me. 

Imagine running for hours and hours every day of your life, even when you need to stop because your legs are weak, but you can’t. 
You do it day after day, year after year. 

Then a period of time comes (7 weeks long ) when you have to run 20 hours a day on your already weak leg’s , you push and push because you can’t afford to stop. 

Being a parent to a disabled child is running from eyes open to eyes closed, and some in between. 
We can’t just ” get a good night sleep and feel better in the morning ” 
We can’t have a pj and movie day to rest.We can only push and push. ‘ come on body, we can do this ‘ I cry.

I saw this on Facebook just an insight to special needs mums lives. 

Reading 

Reading back through some of my blog posts at the end of last year I realise how much of a dark place I was in. Reading the things that went through my mind on a daily basis. We’re almost 8 months into this year and already things have dramatically improved for me. 

By the end of April I got my wish of being depression and anxiety free after I got through counselling, I got my eldest son’s autism diagnosis. I re connected with my mum and younger sister. I think once my thought pattern changed, I realised I was never going to change them. If I was never going to change them why bother trying? I made more effort and in turn they did too. They accepted my children are different and made more effort with them too. I see them on a weekly basis now, there’s more communication between us. 

My life has improved no end since April. Hearing the news I had waited 2 years for finally freed me from the weight of feeling so shit. I love how my life is and it’s not perfect it’s still hard work but I don’t hate my life. I don’t think about clothes 3 days in advance. I don’t hold back on what I say anymore afraid of hurting people’s feelings or them not liking me anymore. 

Things are heading in the right direction. I’m starting to understand my children more. My 6 year old with his needs and wants and how he has to do things his way, I’m teaching my youngest son makaton, he’s copying things we do when we teach him. He started walking 3 weeks ago and he’s got such a funny character to him. 

Life is what you make it, you can cry, kick and scream that you haven’t got perfectly healthy “normal” children or you can grab life by the bollox and say I’m doing a bloody good job at raising my children each with their own individual extra needs. Things can only go forward from here. No more looking back. ✌🏻

Not sorry

Going back a few posts I mentioned awhile ago I’d made a new friend. She went to the same open door sessions I went to. Many times she came in went into the office and came out in tears. I felt for her she looked like she was having it rough. I reached out to her. Mentally I was in an ok place I needed something to keep my mind busy and reaching out to this person did that. I invited her out for lunch with my and the ladies. I paid she said she had no money I wanted to do something to help. 

We got quite friendly i wouldn’t ever say close but friendly. She’s a nice girl but she has had a lot of issues and trauma in the past. She’s not the only one. There was something about her that kept saying to me she needed someone to talk to. I quickly became that person. I didn’t mind at first but the more drama that happened around her the more difficult it became. Last weekend she had yet more drama police she social services turning up at her door (not for the first time)

It was then I confided in a very close friend that it was becoming too much. Too over bearing. She called 10 times a day, messaged me in between. I have 2 children I don’t have time for this. So wether I was in the wrong or not I backed off. Maybe I should have spoken to her. I didn’t ignore her but I distanced myself. It was the start of the 6 weeks holidays and my children had to come first. I had to distance myself for the sake of my children and my mental health. For that I’m not going to apologise. 

However it seemed that me saying I’d been busy didn’t go down too well and she majorly kicked off. I took screen shots of all the conversations so nothing I said could be twisted. Well she decided that everything I said she would twist for attention. I realise now she’s probably done this many times before. She has a mental illness, I presume her mental illness combined with her past makes her thrive off the attention people give her. “I said her daughter deserves to be in care” “I threatened to phone social services up so her child would be taken away” all of it being bullshit. 

It hurt that she was slagging me off calling me fake. Didn’t even have the balls to admit it was aimed at me. She denied it. I didn’t have to but I chose to help her. I chose to introduce her to my children and her to be in my life. I asked her to watch what she said around my autistic son he copied her and his behaviour changed as soon as she came to my house. I’m telling him off for kicking her and hitting her when he sees her kicking me, I don’t care that she was “having a laugh” he copies her he gets a bollocking how is that fair? She’s not an example to be set to my son. I don’t want my children surrounded by people who bring drama into my life. I need to be around people who understand my children and their needs. 

I have nothing more to do with her now. At first I felt like it was me. I’ve had a fair few people fall out with me recently. No longer will I be the silent one and hold back on what I think. I will say what I think needs to be said. I need to stay strong and be pleased that I’m putting my children first. Not other people and their selfishness and drama. I’m sad I lost a friend but she was sucking life out of me. I feel for her daughter and what kind of life she will have, I fear for the the unborn child being put on a child protection plan. I wish her well in her future I just can’t be part of it. 

Negativity 

So what started off as a picture of some pasta just started a feed of negative bitchy comments. 

I posted this picture of superhero pasta on my Facebook page. My 5 year old who I am waiting to get diagnosed for autism has never got his head around things being the same but different shapes. So we know he likes spaghetti and bolognaise so I bought him some superhero pasta to try. He got very excited about it (which he doesn’t about food) and I made my own bolognaise previously I bought microwave meals for him. He ate a really good portion of it and he was so impressed by the superheroes it kept him interested in the food. So as a result he ate more. A massive step for him and being proud of him I shared the photo. 


My sister was the first to comment asking how the pasta tasted any different to normal pasta. Well it doesn’t obviously. It’s the fact he ate the pasta and liked it, it’s the fact he has s very limited diet and I’ve been working my arse off to try and get him to eat more food. It’s just the negativity I’d expect from them and it’s put me on a downer. I’m sick of the shit from my “family.” I’m sick of feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. 

I had such an amazing weekend after such a crappy week. I’ve felt so incredibly low in mood all week and I picked up my mood and went out on fancy dress on Friday to the off ice skating rink, I went with my friend L and 2 of her girls. I really enjoyed it. Then last night I went out for a meal and drinks with 2 other friends in fancy dress. I had an awesome time and it was what I needed to pick my mood up. Now it’s taken one stupid comment from someone who should have understood previously being one of his teachers at school. 


I hope I can pick my mood up again I don’t want to keep feeling crap. I have a lot on at the moment and I’m trying to find ways of dealing with it and coping.