Autism poem

This morning I cried. This morning I put my head in my hand, and let the tears fall. 
I’m not grieving. 

I haven’t been seriously hurt. 

I don’t feel unloved. 

Or any other obvious reasons to weap. 

I cried because I’m tired. 

No not just tired, it’s way beyond that. 

My body is screaming at me. 

I feel like my body is shutting down bit by bit. 

Tiredness so severe it hurts. 

I’m 10 years into this life, as a parent to a disabled child. 
I’m 2 weeks into the summer holidays. And my body is failing me. 

Imagine running for hours and hours every day of your life, even when you need to stop because your legs are weak, but you can’t. 
You do it day after day, year after year. 

Then a period of time comes (7 weeks long ) when you have to run 20 hours a day on your already weak leg’s , you push and push because you can’t afford to stop. 

Being a parent to a disabled child is running from eyes open to eyes closed, and some in between. 
We can’t just ” get a good night sleep and feel better in the morning ” 
We can’t have a pj and movie day to rest.We can only push and push. ‘ come on body, we can do this ‘ I cry.

I saw this on Facebook just an insight to special needs mums lives. 


Mixed emotions 

I’m sat here with my boys asleep processing what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and its completely mixed and at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand after such a brilliant day out yesterday and my littlest boys weigh in going well today I’m feeling good, but then thinking about tomorrow I’m extremely nervous and anxious. 

Let’s start with yesterday it was our second family day out this time we went to The Deep in Hull. Long ass train journey but so worth it when we got there, my eldest handled things well and no meltdowns until coming home. He loved all the different fish we saw and the Sharks and he got really into it and he seems to really enjoy it. He got a bit anxious on the way home mainly trying to go on the wrong train home and wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t our train. Then missing another train due to confusion we had to wait an hour for the next train. The poor kid was knackered and I was pissed off too so who could blame him for being upset. 

A few of the pics from the train journey. It was such a great day and we all really enjoyed it. Those days out we’ve had to break up the holidays have done wonders, it’s been so nice going further afield and putting that money to good use. Without that funding there’s no way we could have done the things we have done. It’s been nice. 

Today I took my little boy to our local health clinic to get his 8 weeks check over with. He’s doing fret which isn’t anything new he’s a little superstar. He’s gained almost a pound since he was last weighed. After a discussion last week with my support worker from home start charity I was querying if he still needed to be seen this often so I asked today and it’s great news that he doesn’t. So I’m happy.  While ago it was different when the health visiting team were supporting me with my mental health and weaning and sleeping but he’s doing brilliantly nowand I don’t need the support from them. So I’m happy that we can be like everyone else now. Also no physio outside of the house to,stop people asking questions that don’t concern them. So all is good. 

About tomorrow though, I start my Trauma counselling and it’s nerve racking I have to go about 20 miles away from home and it’s only 20 mins by train but it’s the fact I haven’t been away from my kids for that long since the little ones op. It’s just something I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. Starting over counselling with someone new it’s going to be hard I don’t know what info would have already been passed on. But I’m still going to have to talk about stuff and my feelings in depth. Scary. Trying not to overthink but it’s what I do best. 

Feeling kinda sad

I woke up stupidly early this morning feeling extremely anxious. I didn’t have a great nights sleep too much flying around in my mind. Tomorrow we have a trip out with home start, I’m half looking forward to it and half dreading it. I have the worst feeling that my eldest is going to hate it and it will just ruin the day. I want him to have fun and I want to enjoy it myself too without over thinking every move and what we can do that won’t “scare” him. I know tomorrow will be a disaster and that everyone will see his meltdowns and be watching me to see what I do. 

These holidays ate hard it’s tiring it’s frustrating and it’s exhausting. I’m mentally exhausted and it’s taking its toll. Today I’ve felt so down since I got home this afternoon, so alone, fed and down. I feel guilty that I’ve told my husband to take the kids upstairs so I can be on my own. I’m sat in tears. 9 and a half hours on my own with the kids 5 days a week. Last week was hard work my husband goes on about how much he’s missed the kids but would rather wash up the pots then spend an extra half an hour with them. 

My husband says he gets that I have depression he reckons he has depression himself I dont believe he does it’s an excuse for whatever he can use it for. He says he understands that I sometimes don’t feel great but he doesn’t. If he did he wouldn’t ask what the matter is he would just get it and help out. Asking why I want time to myself well he would know if he spent more then 2 hours alone with them. It’s a week away but counselling is playing on my mind. There’s no point telling him he just wouldn’t get it it would just be shrugged off. I’ve got 4 more weeks of holidays then settling the eldest back into school. It’s gonna be so hard and I can’t do it alone but I’m going to have to.