Feeling stronger

Since I made the decision to get my life back I’ve been feeling so much better and stronger. I feel amazing. I’m pushing myself in a good way to see what my limits are. I find I’m being more open about the youngest and the depression I had recently. I’ve not been such a closed book and I feel like being able to talk about stuff is what’s helping me feel that bit stronger. 

It’s nice feeling like the dark cloud I had looming over me for so long is finally going. I feel more positive and what’s on the inside must be showing on the outside because I’m being told how well I look.  I honestly can’t believe the change in me from how I felt a few weeks ago. I definitely feel like my spirit is back. I’m actually doing things on my own with support for back up. It feels so good knowing it’s not fake or forced when I’m smiling now it’s genuine how I feel is genuine. I also feel like I’m dealing with things around me alot easier. It’s easier to make and keep plans with friends, I spend more time at home which I feel quite proud of myself for because a few months ago I couldn’t be at home for any length of time. I let my husband do more with the kids now then I did before which speaks volumes in my world. 

So far I haven’t dipped down but I feel that if I do I’m strong enough to cope and pull myself through it. I’m eating quite well too which I feel is another dramatic change in me. A few weeks ago I felt weak, I felt defeated and I’d lost myself completely. I’d felt extremely low I’d not felt like that in a long time. Now I feel so much better and dare I say it I feel happy and content within myself. I feel secure about how I’m feeling and how I’m handling things. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life and celebrating my little superheroes birthday in less then 2 weeks. I look forward to the day I can say I’m over it all and how I used to be depressed. I’m getting there and that day doesn’t feel too far away anymore. 

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 Fighting back

My last post was a while ago when I felt like I’d completely failed myself. I agreed to meds because I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak and defeated. I took the meds for 13 days and I felt awful. I know they can take a few weeks to get into your system but I felt like shit all the time. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was drained of energy and I was tired and yawning all time. I decided enough is enough. As one of my closest friends would say “fuck this shit.” I made the decision to get my life back. No more meds I want to do this my way like I wanted all along. I’ve set myself some goals and do you know what it’s only been since Thursday but I feel amazing. 

The thing that kicked me into touch was a review I had with a support worker I was suppose to be feeling so much better by now and I wasn’t. So the fight in me came back and I feel alive again. I am so ready to start living again and beat this depression. I’m not stupid enough to believe it’s gonna go away just like that or that it won’t take some time. I have to go through counselling which is going to be extremely tough but I’m gonna prove to everyone who ever doubted me that I’m back.  

The change in me from a week is amazing, I feel amazing and I’m proud of myself for my achievements I’ve made this week. These might seem very small in comparison to others but to me they are important and huge things for me to achieve. After avoiding places for so long I went and did the things I needed to do, I can’t say I didn’t feel a bit anxious because I did. But I did it. I faced it and overcame it. I went to a friends daughters birthday party on Saturday and anxiety didn’t play any part of my mind being there, I handled things I think quite well. On Sunday normally my lazy day I got a text short notice asking if my kids wanted to play on the park. So I got dressed didn’t bother with my hair or make up and went to the park with my kids and some friends and their kids. Then I ate a meal in front of them (something I would have normally avoided in fear of being watched.) 

I feel like the fight in me has come back. My reason to fight is just to prove that I can do this and get over depression with no meds. I’m proving to myself I can do it as I’m doing things I wouldn’t normally do because i lacked the confidence or I had too much fear. The dark cloud that’s been hanging over me Is finally going and I can’t say how that makes me feel other then happy and relieved. I’m sleeping better, trying to eat better and actually eating something twice a day (another massive difference in me) 

Another massive step was getting my youngest undressed at a group in front of everyone to do messy play in just his nappy. I’ve always been wary of people seeing his scar and his chest in fear of too many questions. No-one said anything, maybe no-one noticed, maybe they did but they were all too busy having fun but I felt incredibly proud of myself for that. 

I definitely have my spirit back, I feel like I can do this at long last. No more tears, no more irritated behaviour, I don’t feel drained, I don’t feel overly tired just normal tired, I don’t feel anxious. I’m making plans with friends, I’m spending more time at home and actually enjoying it. I’m letting my hubby do more with the kids and spending more time alone. It means so much to me that I’m doing all this off my own back no-one is forcing me to push myself and no-one is telling me I’m wrong and I should have stuck to the meds. This means so much to me because it’s clear to me that it all down to me and I’m doing it not meds controlling my emotions. 
For the people who support me wether it’s because it’s their job, or they volunteer or they are my friends this is only possible because of the help they have given me. I’ll never forgot what they have all done for me and how I’m finally getting my life back because of the difference they have made to my life. The weights been lifted and I’m finally getting set free. 🙂💜

Failure 

This week has been an incredibly hard week for me. The worst part is the struggle to talk about why it was so hard. I hate lying to people and hate keeping things from the people who are there to support me but it’s something I’ve never been able to talk about. Something happened a very long time ago and I thought I had dealt with it (my way as per usual) but it’s come back to light and I’m finding it hard to deal with it aswell as having the anxiety and depression. I went to talk to one of the people who supports me on Tuesday I was so tearful and tense I broke down. Because of everything that’s come back into my life I had to go on to medication as per advice given on Tuesday. I feel like everything I’ve worked for has been for nothing which then makes me feel even worse. I feel like I’ve failed myself I wanted all this over by my babies first birthday next month and well that ain’t happening now.

Until recent events I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was winning but having to go on medication and go to the doctors was admitting defeat in my eyes. I wanted to do it my way and I was doing well. But unfortunately I see their point I was in a proper state. I’ve barely eaten I was honest and told them that. But people keep going on at me. I can’t force myself to eat if I don’t feel like it. People trying to encourage me to eat also won’t work. It puts too much pressure on me and I hate that they all say they are concerned about my eating. It’s how I cope I’m fine and I’m not in denial. When I feel good I can eat when I don’t I can’t.

I’ve had a fair few panic attacks or anxiety attacks this week, I’ve been extremely low and I’ve not much been able to pick myself up from it. Pretty hard to admit this aswell. I have the need to comtrol things in my life and I can’t cope with loss of control which I guess is one reason why I don’t want medication low dose or not.

People around me know I didn’t want medication and knew I didn’t want to take it. It took some convincing.

 I had to tell my best friend that I’ve had all this going on and I’m so very lucky that the few friends I have are very supportive. I’d be lost without them.

I feel like I’m splitting myself into two lives one were people know about the depression or know the full story and I get support and the life where no-one knows and I’m expected to happy and cheery all the time and it’s hard work putting on the pretence all the time. Especially when I really don’t feel strong enough to fake a smile. Sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my voice there’s a reason for almost everything and tell people what’s going on in my life but I actually like to stay private. It’s just so hard to live these lives and I feel like I’m failing big time.

Family doesn’t always have to be blood.

Last night I was really upset and emotional because of my so called family. Today it wasn’t much better to start with, I shouldn’t be surprised by the way i get treated by family but it still hurts. I have a handful of very good close friends one of them happens to be an ex going back 10 years ago but we remained friends he’s now married to another one of my close friends. Anyway he’s the kind of friend that doesn’t really do serious but normally makes me smile by being daft. I got a very touching heartwarming message from him this morning because he’s known me 16 years now he knows my family well. He was disgusted by what my family have done over the years. More so this last year with everything I’ve been through with my youngest son.

The message made me cry because it was so sweet what he said to me “don’t be dragged down by others. Concentrate on the people that are in your life supporting you and who are there for you. Yes your family should be playing that role but it’s their loss not being involved. Your kids have plenty of loving people around them and although your family should be stepping it up to support you, take it from the people who are choosing to be there for you – the ones that don’t have to. They are your family. They say you can’t choose your family – but you can. People don’t have to be blood related to be apart of your family. Don’t dwell on who’s not there as it will push you away from who is” he’s right I can choose my family. My best friend I always refer to as my sister. She might not be blood but who said blood has to be thicker then water. She has been there for me through everything for 16 years and I’ve been there for her too. 

I have another friend I met through my mum many years ago but she has been a very good friend to me, I’ve been on the phone to her many times in tears and she’s talked to me about everything telling me how strong I was when I felt so incredibly weak. I didn’t feel strong but somehow she knew I was stronger then ever I thought I could be. She’s been an incredible friend to which I’ll never forget. I hope she knows how grateful I am to her.

Another friend said to me she can be my little sister well to be fair I see her more then I do my actual sister’s and she’s been there more in the last year then my “real” family.

So yes family doesn’t always have to be blood related they don’t have to be there to support me but still choose to be. I love my friends dearly i don’t know where I’d be without them. 💜

 

 

My promises to my children

This is coming from me finding out my mum is going on holiday when it’s my youngest boys first birthday. My mum has always favoured my sister and always made me feel like I’m not wanted. My sisters two boys are also favoured over my two. She never offers to help me with them, never has them overnight or spends time alone with them. So growing up feeling left out all the time and even feeling like that now this is my promise to my kids.

I promise my boys to always love them unconditionally, to protect them from harm and to always make them feel special. I’m not a perfect mother and I make mistakes more then I care to admit but I promise my children that i will always be there for them day or night. I’ll be there whenever they need me for whatever reason.

I promise to tell them every single day that I love them and let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. I want them growing up knowing they can tell me anything and they can talk to me about everything. I promise to hold them tight and wipe away their tears when someone breaks their heart for the first time. I will do my very best to the the mum they deserve every day so they grow up feeling loved. They will grow up never feeling like a mistake. Never feeling pushed out or that I love one more then the other because I love them both equally. My boys are the most important thing in my life and nothing and no-one will ever come close. When they have kids of their own I’ll be there every step of the way. I’ll look after their children without notice and do whatever I can to help through good times and bad.

I never want my kids to feel the way I do. Never being able to talk to your mum. My mum not knowing what I’ve been through or going through. She doesn’t know I still get support and that I still talk to people to get help. I’ve lived a very lovely life not having help from my mum and it’s sad because I sometimes wish I had someone else’s mum. My best friends mum was there for me when my mum should have been. My mums friend (now my friend) was there for me when my mum wasn’t. I sit here crying thinking of all the times my mum should have been there but wasn’t. Other people have been filling her role wether they are friends or professionals and they have been the ones listening to me when I had no-one else.

Support

I mentioned that I get a lot of support from various people for my mental health now but the support I’m lacking is from the one person that should be supporting me the most. My husband. As I’ve said before I’m not the greatest at talking but I have tried and failed several times to talk to my husband. Every time I talk to him about anything he always makes it about him and somehow comes off as if he’s got it worse. It’s no competition but here’s what I’ve he to deal with that he hasn’t.  We have an older son so while i was in hospital for 3 days after having the baby he was with our other son. When the doctors found the heart murmur i was alone, when they did the ecg I was alone and when they did the echo on his heart again I was alone. Then the diagnosis came and once again I was alone.

A couple of weeks after the baby was born he went to work full time and there was me on my own 5 days a week with a newborn and a nursery age child. I dealt with everything alone while he was at work. Nurses coming in to check sats and our health visitor coming to weigh the baby once a week. I did it all alone. I went to the hospital appointments to the cardiologist alone too. I’m not saying he didn’t feel things too but he didn’t have to deal with what I death with on a daily basis.

When things turned into an emergency situation and the baby was rushed into hospital he stayed at home and looked after the older boy while i once again dealt with doctors and nurses and had more sleepless nights. I slept in a chair next to his bed that’s when I actually slept. I slept with my head leant over on to his bed for the first few nights and was in hospital for just over 2 weeks. They came to the specialist hospital but still I was alone most of the time. When we came home once again he returned to work and I was the one dealing with hospitals and getting the other boy to school. Booking hospital transport arranging someone to be there for the older boy. Missing him and not spending time with him as much as I wanted with going back n forth to hospital.

Now when I’ve tried to talk to him several times and failed I gave up trying. I write a mood diary every night for one person to read to see how I’m doing and what I can improve on. It’s my therapy. It’s private I let one person read it and only that one person. So I caught my husband reading my book I confronted him a day he came up with some pretty pathetic excuses and turned it round to say how bad he was feeling. I told him under no uncertain terms it was private and asked for respect of that privacy. He’s once again breached my privacy and read my book cover to cover. So right now I’m nothing short of pissed off and upset. There’s no point confronting him again it clearly had no affect last time. I’m sad that he felt the need to read my personal things. I know some will say there should be no secrets in marriage but it’s not like i haven’t tried to tell him everything he just doesn’t want to listen. He’s got it much worse then me why would he listen?

Depression and what’s it’s taken away from me.

Since being told i have post natal depression I’ve lost so much of myself. So much so that sometimes I don’t actually know what’s going to be a permanent fixture in my life. If it will eventually go away or whether or not I’ll be depressed for years or just a few more months. Right now I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep walking through but it’s been months now and I still see no light, no end. I really want to find the person I used to be again and not the shell of a person I am now.

i’ve lost my confidence. I mean I wasnt ever overly confident but I had enough to keep me going. Now I second guess everything even down to the clothes I wear. I second guess my parenting skills, my judgement, my self awareness. If i buy new clothes I have to ask if something looks ok all the time until I feel OK in it. I feel uncomfortable most of the time in what I wear as most of my clothes are now too big. I have to plan what i want to wear a day or two in advance. I  can’t cope with picking something on the day incase it doesn’t look right or I feel uncomfortable it just saves time doing it in advance.

I can’t be alone for long periods of time or sometimes at all. I used to love having my own space now I hate it. I can’t spend time on my own now. I have anxiety being away from my youngest. Everywhere I go he’s with me even when I have a bath 99% of the time he’s with me. But that’s because of him being in hospital and having the problems he had. Everything has to be on my terms I have to have control over practically everything or I just go crazy.

It’s taken my appetite away from me before I got pregnant and felt sick 24/7 I loved my food. I’d eat all day long if I could. Some days I’d eat my way through a packet of biscuits when I got bored. Now I barely eat and think it’s becoming a problem. I skip breakfast and lunch almost everyday and only eat at teatime if I feel like it. Sometimes I don’t eat at all I just have no enjoyment of food anymore.

I take every single criticism to heart and over think it all time especially if it’s something I am doing “wrong” with the kids. It gets to me and it upsets me. Sometimes on a good day I shrug  it off other days I sit and cry about what been said.

I hate how I look. I am forever changing how I look,  wether it be hair colour, hair extensions,  cutting my hair off or growing it long. I’m my own worse critic I hate looking in the mirror, I hate having photos taken so much so that I’m rarely in them anymore. I have to wear make up before I leave the house which I mentioned before. Even on a pj day if I have to go to the shop I have to put some make up on even if it’s concealer and foundation and I have to wear something I’m comfortable in. I hate that it annoys me but I have to do it.

I cannot stand being in a room full to the brim of people it makes me very nervous. I get twitchy and anxious and I have to leave before it gets too much. Even when it’s a little bit busy in a small area I have to be in and out of that area keeping myself out the way.

I hate attention being drawn to me it embarrasses me and I go very red and feel very silly. It makes me nervous. I can’t take compliments I don’t believe them I think people are lying.

I hate that I have to write things down instead of being able to talk about it as it would actually make things easier for myself. I hate that I rely on people to talk when things get bad and even though I have fantastic support I still can’t open up fully. I have trust issues.

I feel like a bad parent when I get tearful, I feel like I shouldn’t have kids because they deserve better then me. A crying irritable wreck of mum who is going through a tough time. Maybe I should have just given in and accepted the referral to a mental health team and taken the medication better to be a zombie then a crying mess sometimes. I just wanted to do it on my own. Prove to myself that I am strong, that somewhere the old me is still in there fighting to get out. I hope one day she breaks her way back through I’m not liking the new version of me.