So yesterday was my youngest boys 2nd Birthday. I gotta admit the night before I was a little bit emotional. He’s growing up he’s 2 now. Sad reality that I no longer have a baby. His birthday was lovely I really enjoyed it, we had a really nice birthday party for him and the kids loved it. 

Today I’ve kept myself busy because I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what it meant for us 2 years ago. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and think of all the amazing things we’ve done since then. My counselling sessions are helping me see things in a different light. I’ve been told that I’m punishing myself and making myself re live it instead of moving on because I blame myself for his heart defect. My little boy has done brilliantly well since we were told about his heart defect. This time last year he could only sit up he couldn’t sit himself up, he could roll over, he couldn’t put his feet on the floor, stand or crawl. This year there’s a massive difference he can do all those things confidently now. He’s even moving around furniture to get to places. He’s not walking or talking yet but this time next he will be. 

I’ve shielded his diagnosis for so long because I didn’t want him treated any differently to other children. I didn’t want sympathy for him and I didn’t want attention on me or him. I’m becoming more open about it now sharing more about him. Not because I’m stuck in the past because I’m trying to think and look to the future. 

2 years ago was an extremely difficult day for me. Being told about a heart defect in your baby that’s only 2 days old. It’s a shock to the system. It wasn’t ever something I could prepare myself to hear. He’s come so far and I’m so proud of him and I’m trying to overcome this emotional side of it. I need to say the words out loud without crying or feeling tearful. I need to believe that I did cause this, I was not to blame and I need to stop punishing myself thinking I let my baby down. I need to stop being jealous of other children’s milestones and be grateful for the ones he’s hitting. I need to stop being jealous of people with healthy babies. I need to stop getting angry at people for making big dramas out of Childrens general ilnesses. They didn’t live through what I did. They don’t understand. 

One thing to help me find my future was the fact that the cardiology hospital appointment went well. His heart function is good, the residual vsd still there but causing no problems and we don’t need to go back for 13 months. Onwards and upwards. (Hopefully)


There been quite a change in me for some time now roughly 3 months. I’d say it’s the meds keeping me stable I don’t know. Either way things seem to be going well. 

Relationships with my family haven’t been great for a good few years. I always got upset when they didn’t make an effort but I’ve come to realise that some people don’t have the ability to change. I have learnt to accept them as they are. I see things differently now I always saw them as selfish but maybe he’s not actually the case. Yes it can be annoying that we don’t get help from them with my 2 boys. But at the same time they don’t know how to handle my eldest and they can’t pick up and carry my youngest either. So physically they can’t look after my boys. 

I can laugh and joke about not being the favourite and it’s doesn’t bother me anymore. They stuck up for me when things kicked off with another member of the family. That meant a lot to me. They finally see the person for who she is. 

Elsewhere my mood is stabilised, anxiety virtually non existent. Well except for today. It’s my sons annual check up tomorrow and I feel nervous as hell. It’s the first one in a year. First echo and ecg in a year too. I think everything is ok but I can’t only see the outside I don’t know what’s going on with his heart and it scares me. Once tomorrow is over if it all goes well I can relax again. I don’t like relying on people to look after my eldest because I never know how he’s going to behave what’s going to upset him and I’ll not be there to calm him down if it all kicks off. Everything is flaring up anxiety and I feel sick.

This Saturday is my beautiful youngest boys 2nd Birthday. Almost 2 years since my world crashed down around me. I hope things will be different. I don’t want to be upset from re living the past. I need to look to the future and stop punishing myself and blaming myself for his diagnosis. 

Things looking up and me moving on

Dare i say it?  things right now in my life feel good. I’ve made a new friend and feel like I have a really good friendship with her already. I have a couple of friends I have lunch with on a Thursday now and I’m feeling good. I’m enjoying my life. I don’t feel depressed I don’t feel anxious I feel normal. I’m more confident then I’ve felt in a very very long time. 

I really hope this is down to me not just the meds. I’m only on 20mg so it’s not a massive dose. I feel like I’m finally moving forward. Without the anxiety dragging me down I’m just enjoying my life. I’m enjoying having new friends and I’m enjoying being me. I didn’t know I could feel like this again. Honestly feel like the person I used to be and if I hadn’t been so stubborn I could have felt like this a year ago. 

A year ago and even up to a few months ago I was consumed by depression and anxiety. Consumed by self doubt and guilt , I had zero confidence and i couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t eat I didn’t sleep and I didn’t and couldn’t enjoy life. I couldn’t enjoy being a mum. I’m no longer feeling anxious for counselling or my review with HS on Tuesday. I can’t believe how totally different I feel. This is coming from someone who was dead set against taking anti depressants. It does feel like I’ve cheated a little bit but hopefully in 3-4 months time I’ll have sorted my issues out and I can lower my dose and come off them. I of course need to find ways of coping when I do come off so I don’t slip back into old ways and to remember not to be so hard on myself. 

I feel so completely different. I have a circle of friends who now I feel I can be honest with about having depression and anxiety. I’m using my experiences to help my friend B. I’m helping her look for a house, I’m offering her a listening ear, I’m offering her friendship and introduced her to other people and through me she’s made other friends too. I felt compelled to help her like it was meant to be. Fate has told me to help her. 

It may sound bizzare but I’m a big believer of fate, karma and the spiritual world. I love crystals and believe all these things combined and having a social life and having people who need me like I needed someone makes me feel better about things. 

So for now I’m signing off and hoping that for once you’ll enjoy reading about my positivity as too many previous posts have been negative. 

Feeling guilty 

I am so incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful children and I dint very often have a moan about them let alone on social media. Tonight I had a bit of a moan about how hard it is having a child 5 weeks away from turning 2 and him not being able to walk or talk. 

He’s got a development delay he’s non verbal and non weight baring. I love my kids with all I have but I’m struggling with his physical demands I hurt my wrist about 6 weeks ago and it’s becoming more painful. Having to fill out 2 lots of DLA forms for both my boys it’s mentally draining. 

Having the uncertainty of my eldest boys diagnosis for autism hanging over me still. I just want to be told officially it’s not a difficult request. I want to know 100% that he’s autistic so I know there’s reason for the way he acts. The way he behaves is because he’s autistic rather then is he or isn’t he?! 

I feel like I’m trying my best but it’s not good enough. I’m taking my meds and I feel different on them more confident and less anxious but tonight I feel so bad for saying what I have that I’m in tears. I don’t want anyone thinking bad of me for saying it. People don’t know how hard it with both boys. I don’t have family to support me or understand me and how hard it is. I feel alone in this.  

How do I know?

I’ve been on meds now for getting on 6 weeks. I’ve been much less anxious then I was before, I have my emotional moments but not the massive up and downs I was having before.

Is this the medication working? Is this me feeling good? I don’t know. I want it to be down to me but I feel it’s more down to the meds. Now I feel ok it makes me wants to come off them so I can get my life back. But at the same time I don’t want to undo how settled I’ve scared that after 6 months I won’t be able to cope without them. I started counselling on Wednesday last week I was anxious before going more then I’ve been in weeks. After talking things through about the diagnosis of TOF with ny little one I felt very emotional and raw. The only difference was by Thursday i felt ok again. My confidence is going up and I feel better for it. 

I made a new friend Thursday, B and her little girl. The little girl is 6 months old and B is a single mum, she recently had to leave her hometown with barely anything. I felt for this girl I felt the need to help her. She doesn’t know many people so me and two other friends took her out for lunch. I paid for her to have a meal a drink and a pudding. I tried to help by settling her little girl to sleep so she could relax. All I could think of was if this was me I’d be so grateful if someone did this for me. 

When I no longer need support and I’m stable without meds I’d really like to become a volunteer for HS. They have helped me so much and I’ll be forever grateful. So repay them for all they have done I want to give a other family the help I was given. Use my experience and strength I’ve regained to good use. 

Back to the beginning 

So the other day was my blog anniversary so I’m going to link in my first days blog posts. This is how my blog first started as a way of coping and sharing my story.

These were all posted on my first ever day of blogging. I re read them and still feel like I did a year ago reading them. This counselling is hopefully going to help me to move on from the emotion of it all.