Never ending

It seems to be never ending at the moment, the constant overthinking and talking over things I never thought I’d be talking about again.

There’s a lot more to me than people first realise. For a start I don’t trust easily so if I trust you congratulations your one of the few.

I may appear to well put together on the outside but on the inside I’m cracked and broken. There’s so much buried inside it’s a wonder that I still funtion most days. It’s been an emotionally tough couple of days again it’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life but it’s hard and it’s draining. I’m trying to process everything I’ve said but the emotion just pours out of me, my blog is my release. I’m writing now cause I need to get the emotion out it can’t wait.

Yesterday I spoke about my past that one event that changed me as a person. It was hard even though not much was said. Today more was said I spoke more I cried more but I opened up and I told parts of my story. More pieces of my puzzle were uncovered I never thought I’d be saying so much to people. I thought I’d dealt with a few past relationships but maybe as it happens I haven’t. At pathways again today I spoke about a not so great relationship I had about 11 It seems to be never ending at the moment, the constant overthinking and talking over things I never thought I’d be talking about again.

There’s a lot more to me than people first realise. For a start I don’t trust easily so if I trust you congratulations your one of the few.

I may appear to well put together on the outside but on the inside I’m cracked and broken. There’s so much buried inside it’s a wonder that I still funtion most days. It’s been an emotionally tough couple of days again it’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life but it’s hard and it’s draining. I’m trying to process everything I’ve said but the emotion just pours out of me, my blog is my release. I’m writing now cause I need to get the emotion out it can’t wait.

Yesterday I spoke about my past that one event that changed me as a person. It was hard even though not much was said. Today more was said I spoke more I cried more but I opened up and I told parts of my story. More pieces of my puzzle were uncovered I never thought I’d be saying so much to people. I thought I’d dealt with a few past relationships but maybe as it happens I haven’t. At pathways again today I spoke about a not so great relationship I had about 11 years ago. I seem to attract them you know the type – arseholes. The ones that treat you like crap, drag you down and control your every move. Yet again something has dawned on me that while I’ve been battling with this one event I’ve had some mentally abusive relationships I’ve been lead to believe I’m ugly, I’m useless and no one will ever love me. I’ve been mentally bartered many times by different men that I stupidly loved.

Now 9 years into a relationship and 4 years into my marriage my poor husband has to deal with the fallout from all the shit that has been thrown at me over the last 16 years. Because of them I don’t trust him even though he’s never hurt me.

He tells me he loves me and I don’t believe him. I don’t let him get close to me and I don’t let him in. I don’t quite know why he’s still with me. We’ve had our ups and downs we’ve fallen out and we’ve spilt up but we keep fighting for us. I can’t tell him I sat here and wrote this blog this afternoon and cried while I wrote it. I can’t tell him what my meetings are for and why I’m having them.

Instead i keep him in the dark because it’s easier that way then having to try and explain things right now. Because I worry what his reaction will be. What he will say.

One day I’ll get there and I’ll get through all this and one day I’ll try explain it all to him. But got now I have a pretty big challenge to face and get through the other side. I’m not going to give up this time. I can’t, I have too much riding on this so I can finally move forward. I’m so sick of crying, I’m so sick of letting my past ruin my future.

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Being myself

Originally posted on my other site

Something someone said to me today has really hit a chord with me. She said something about not being yourself around certain people. Not being able to be your true self to everyone being somebody your not.

It hit me because that’s exactly what I do. I’m a different person around certain people I can’t be myself. There’s only one person I can be me around. I can be the true me. It doesn’t matter what I say she’s there supporting me through it. I can be honest, I can be a mess, I can laugh and I can cry. I can be me.

V I hope you read this because your that person. I hope you know how grateful I am I can be me around you. With everyone else I am fake I admit it I hate that I’m fake but it’s not easy to let people see the vulnerable side to me.

It’s not easy to let people in too many people have hurt me in the past. I don’t trust people easily and I feel like people judge me for having depression and anxiety, like I should be better by now like I shouldn’t still be feeling this way.

After all my 2 year old son going through heart surgery wasn’t traumatic I should be over it by now.

The dip the downfall of my mental health in July is because of something that happened a long time ago. You can’t just get over trauma wether it’s 2 years, 10 years or 20 years it doesn’t just go away. I have a lot to work on but it will change the rest of my life. 

Somewhere in between.

There are people I know that are struggling to conceive to become pregnant. I am incredibly blessed to have been given the chance to have 2 beautiful little boys. For that I will always be grateful. Shopping in a city near home yesterday with my boys and in laws I walked past mamas and papas and there was this pain in me. The upset of knowing I’ll never again have another baby, I’ll never again be pregnant and have another baby. It’s all been cruelly snatched away from like it’s not my choice to make anymore, nature has other ideas by giving me the two children I have.

I have 2 beautiful boys aged 6 and 2 I love them with all my heart. They both have additional needs and they both require a lot of extra care therefore making my decision to have another child a clear one. Also having depression and anxiety wouldn’t be a great factor to go through another pregnancy.

It doesn’t make the decision any easier though. Watching other people living with healthy children with no issues I feel so jealous of them, they don’t realise how lucky they are, they take parenting for granted they have beautiful wonderful healthy children and they don’t want to parent their kids. They bitch and moan about their kids and they don’t realise how lucky they are.I’d kill for that. I’d kill for the taste of what it would be like without the difficulties of having an autistic child and a child with no speech and development delay. I love my family and we have become closer but I get no support, praise or understanding from them. They don’t share my enthusiasm when my youngest shows me he can sign certain words. They aren’t interested. They don’t see the meltdowns I get from my eldest when something isn’t working right or he’s tired from his sleepover at my mums last. They don’t get that he has a routine for a reason and he goes to bed at a certain time otherwise he’s over tired and over stimulated.

I feel alone in the world coping with the boys, my husband gets and he wants to come home from work to be told everything is fine and nothings happened. In an ideal world wouldn’t we all but it just doesn’t happen that way. I’m not going to lie just so it makes him feel better. He has no idea how hard it is he’s never spent more than a few hours on his own with both boys.

I’m caught somewhere in the middle of wishing I could have another child so I can try and have a healthy baby with no issues and thinking these two have additional needs and it’s hard enough so there’s no way I could cope with another child if he or she turned out to have medical problems or additional needs. It would most likely send me over the edge. It’s just so upsetting wondering what if and wondering if I could be the reason the boys have additional needs. I sit here with tears rolling down my face typing this post with no real reason why I’m crying. It’s not like I planned to have more kids, it’s not like I’ve been told medically it’s not possible. But mentally for me it’s not possible. My heart breaks for the newborn days I don’t remember 2 years ago through anxiety stress and worry. I cry because I won’t get those days back and I don’t get a second chance do it all over again. I wish there was some understanding somehow of how hard it’s been and how hard it is.

I’m not being a drama queen when I say my youngest is poorly, it really take it out of him when he’s ill, his body has to work harder and in turn he tires more and sleeps more. He’s a strong little boy but he’s been though a lot at such a young age. It causes more stress and anxiety for me because I’m prone to over thinking so I’m even more on edge, listening out for him breathing, checking he’s not sucking his tummy in as he breathes, checking his lips aren’t blue. Checking he’s not too hot or not too cold. Panicking when I can’t hear him breathe and putting my hand on his chest to make sure it’s rising and falling. It’s exhausting physically and mentally.

People say they get it but they don’t, its a lonely life of a chd and spectrum mum.

Over thinking

I’ve been neglecting my blog for a couple of weeks. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to write I’ve just not had the energy or anything of substance to write.

Things are the same as usual for me, I have a day or two of “normality” and then bam out of nowhere it comes back and slaps me round the face.

I don’t always know what causes these big dips in the road sometimes it’s easy to figure it out.

I overthink every situation, I want to say so,eating I build myself up to say something then I back out. Then I beat myself up for not having the balls say what I wanted to say. That’s when I get the feelings of depression.

Last week for my youngest boy we had a speech and language review and a portage review, I was anxious in a good way because since the youngest was was last seen by them he’s made so much progress and I couldn’t wait to tell them. So speech and Language turned up and she was so pleased to see his progress and he independently signed “more.” I was so happy I’ve been working my arse off for months to get him to sign and he did it. Relief or what. Only thing is portage didn’t turn up, no call no no apology the next day nothing. I was pissed because she hasn’t seen my little one since July. I wanted to share the progress he has made and get new targets for him. I called the school and I’m still waiting for a call to rearrange.

All this set off a stream of anxiety thinking are they going to continue their support?

If not can they at least visit him and tell me that this service is no longer needed. It also got me thinking that because he’s doing so well are all the support services other then speech and language going to stop? He goes to an early learning support provision 2 hours a week. There they do tactile play, sensory play, help him with his speech and language targets and help him with his development. They also teach him sign language he loves going and they are brilliant. I don’t want these sessions to stop just because he’s doing well. He’s doing well because he has these things in place. I don’t want these to stop just because he’s now making progress. I need these targets so I can get him back up to where he should be. He’s approx 9 months behind.

On Thursday after a support catch up visit at home I wound myself up, I built myself up to get something out in the open and tell the person what I would be working on with the new support from pathways. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t say anything then I got pissed off with myself. I felt very low afterwards beating myself up. Saying all the anxiety causing issues out loud I felt so stupid saying them because there’s been no say of services stopping it’s just my stupid anxiety.

3 years ago I was so bloody different. Before the heart defect diagnosis in my youngest I never needed any support, I never needed help, it wasn’t suppose to be this way. I was suppose to have my baby and come home and be a family of 4. I wasn’t suppose to have anxiety and depression and need all this help. It’s like I’m sick of needing help but at the same wondering what the fuck I’d do without these people now. It just wasn’t suppose to be this way. I miss the life I could have had, the life I had with my eldest just me and him and our family. I’m so grateful I have the support I just wonder what it would have been like to not have needed it.

I’m also grateful for my little un biological sister V. I can always be honest with her and tell her how I’m feeling. She gets it she understands and she doesn’t mince her words. She snot bitchy she just tells me it straight and tells me what i need to hear. I love her and I’d be lost without her.

Emotional

It’s been a tough emotional couple of days. I opened up about something from a long time ago and it’s caused an emotional upset with my mental health. I went to see someone yesterday and opened up briefly about something that happened a long time ago. I managed to keep my emotions at bay for most of the day yesterday the boys being the distraction. Once they were in bed the emotions poured out of me. It was a very difficult thing to do even just mentioning it very briefly. It’s had a massive impact on how I’m feeling.

After a rough nights sleep last night I felt awful this morning. Tired and completely drained. I shoved on some jeans and a hoody and I don’t do scruffy casual I just couldn’t be bothered. I took the boys to school and nursery and then the emotions got the better of me again. I went and sat by the river crying. Debating wether to pick the phone up to the peer link workers or not. I did it took a while but i did. I got to their office just a short walk from where I was sat again it took me a few mins to get my ass through the door. My heart was beating so fast my breath was trying to catch up. I don’t know why I was so afraid of going in there other than knowing I’d have to tell them why I was so upset. Slowly I made it up the stairs and the room was full of people (the people who worked there) and I couldn’t say anything until they had gone but because they can’t work alone there was one other left in the office. I didn’t want to talk in front of her wether they all work together or not. We left the office to go chat by the river and after a while I told her everything. More in depth then what I told the person yesterday. I cried and I was shaking as I spoke. I told her everything I needed to say it like it was not that makes it any easier. I didn’t want to just say this thing happened and that was it. I needed her to know my story.

I am emotionally drained. I’m tired physically and mentally. I spent my afternoon writing in my notebook. Poems and song lyrics. The things I connect to i needed to get my head around things so I put my thoughts into words. It’s how I work. It’s what helps sometimes. Just like with the blog it helps get my thoughts down into words knowing someone somewhere will read it and maybe connect to it somehow.

Anxiety…

What really pisses me off about anxiety is how it creeps up on you unexpected. Like this morning for instance, I woke up at 6:02 quote chuffed that finally the hearing decided to come on automatically after I set it weeks ago to do so. I’d not had a great sleep the room was too light I have to have the room dark with very little light. Just so I can’t see my youngest if he wakes.

A few minutes after waking up this wave of anxiety hit me and I don’t even get why. It really pisses me off trying to find just cause to feel anxious. If there was a good enough reason I’d accept it more but most days there isn’t. I hate having anxiety. I even started writing how anxiety makes me feel to try and justify it.

Anxiety makes me feel stupid

Anxiety makes me feel insecure

Anxiety makes me feel frustrated

Anxiety makes me feel worthless

Anxiety makes me feel not good enough

Anxiety makes me feel unloved

Anxiety makes me feel alone

Anxiety makes me feel paranoid

Anxiety makes me feel agitated

Anxiety makes me feel uncomfortable

Anxiety makes me feel restless

Anxiety makes me feel weak

Anxiety makes me feel crazy

Anxiety makes me feel broken

Anxiety makes me feel like a bad Mum

Anxiety makes me feel angry

I hate that it makes me feel all this things, I hate that out of nowhere it hits you with no warning. I really hope this goes away without meds because I’m to going down that road again no way in hell.

No motivation 

Reading my last blog post my little sister V offered to have my boys for a few hours on Sunday so me and the husband could go out without the kids. 

When I agreed to it it seemed like a great idea and very thoughtful of V to offer out the blue. Even though I slept relatively well I woke up still tired. Almost like I’d not slept. The kids woke up stupidly early and to be honest I just wanted to stay in bed. I didn’t want to get dressed, I didn’t want to go out. I don’t know what was going on. 6 days a week I get up I get the kids clothes sorted, I do the washing, fold clean clothes, feed the kids and get them where they need to be on time without fail. On a Sunday generally I stay at home in my pjs and I do nothing. 

I got upset and wound up and made myself crazy about getting ready to go out. I just didn’t want to go but I don’t know why. What’s so wrong about going to lunch with my husband? The time we were to drop the boys off would have been the time my youngest needed a sleep. Knowing he wouldn’t settle for anyone I decided to let him sleep at home in bed. I cried as I cuddled him. Thinking I’ll never hear the end of it if I decide to not go. My husband will hold this over me for life. I try to tell him I’m not feeling great he thinks everything can be solved with sex, a hug ir watching a film. None of which i am remotely interested in. I want understanding, I want him to stop pestering me and pressuring me to spend time with him. Keeping my shit together all day is hard work. Nursery, school runs, everything else is tiring. By the time the kids are in bed I’m knackered. I just want to be left alone to lay in bed, watch tv, blog, write or draw. By 9-9:30 I’m ready for sleep.

I know it sounds selfish but I make sure my kids come first in every desicion I make every day. So when they are in bed I get to be selfish I get to think about my needs and what I want. So that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t get much time to myself so I evhiy by evenings to myself. 

This week I meet my sons health visitor for a chat and a catch up while he’s at nursery. This causes anxiety because I’m used to seeing her at home while he’s around. I also meet my peer link worker for the second time also causing anxiety. I hate it I really hate it.