New day…

I heard this song the other day and I fell in love with it. It’s the kind of positivity I need to keep me going on the right path. I heard it while watching “An evening with Take That” 

I’ve listened to it every day. I just love the words. I got through yesterday without any problems. I didn’t feel overly emotional I didn’t look backwards. I didn’t replay the day. I kept busy. I got through it. I have the 7th of may to get through then I will have officially moved forward. 7th May was more difficult as I was expecting everything to be ok. Then the open heart surgery bombshell hit me. If I can get through then I can get through anything. 

New Day – Take That

Yesterday’s news is yesterday’s news

Yesterday’s blues is just a shade of colour

Call me naive but we’re building for tomorrow

So we can

So we can finish off what we started


Wake up, it’s a brand new day

Everybody’s gotta sing this storm away

So come along and, lead the way

Ooh!

Make way through the waterfalls

‘Cause together we will soon get past it all

No one ever needs to fall

No one ever needs to fall

No one ever needs to fall

All into position

One final frontier ’til we make it to the station

Heading up to Zion, listening to the radio (Radio)

Too much to regret, yeah

Still I’m a mon ami

And not a multi-tasker

Talking revolution, talking revolution

I talk about you all the time

Wake up, it’s a brand new day (brand new day)

Everybody’s gotta sing this storm away

So come along and lead the way

(So come along and lead the way)

Make way through the waterfalls (waterfalls)

‘Cause together we will soon get past it all

No one ever needs to fall

No one ever needs to fall, oh oh. 
We can lose it all, can lose it all tonight, oh oh

We can make it out, can make it out alive, oh oh

If we can give it all, can give it all the time, oh oh

We can finish off what we started
Wake up, it’s a brand new day (brand new day)

Everybody’s gotta sing this storm away

So come along and lead the way

(So come along and lead the way)

Make way through the waterfalls (waterfalls)

‘Cause together we will soon get past it all

No one ever needs to fall

No one ever needs to fall
Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Every morning it is a brand new day

Trying 


So yesterday was my youngest boys 2nd Birthday. I gotta admit the night before I was a little bit emotional. He’s growing up he’s 2 now. Sad reality that I no longer have a baby. His birthday was lovely I really enjoyed it, we had a really nice birthday party for him and the kids loved it. 


Today I’ve kept myself busy because I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what it meant for us 2 years ago. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and think of all the amazing things we’ve done since then. My counselling sessions are helping me see things in a different light. I’ve been told that I’m punishing myself and making myself re live it instead of moving on because I blame myself for his heart defect. My little boy has done brilliantly well since we were told about his heart defect. This time last year he could only sit up he couldn’t sit himself up, he could roll over, he couldn’t put his feet on the floor, stand or crawl. This year there’s a massive difference he can do all those things confidently now. He’s even moving around furniture to get to places. He’s not walking or talking yet but this time next he will be. 


I’ve shielded his diagnosis for so long because I didn’t want him treated any differently to other children. I didn’t want sympathy for him and I didn’t want attention on me or him. I’m becoming more open about it now sharing more about him. Not because I’m stuck in the past because I’m trying to think and look to the future. 


2 years ago was an extremely difficult day for me. Being told about a heart defect in your baby that’s only 2 days old. It’s a shock to the system. It wasn’t ever something I could prepare myself to hear. He’s come so far and I’m so proud of him and I’m trying to overcome this emotional side of it. I need to say the words out loud without crying or feeling tearful. I need to believe that I did cause this, I was not to blame and I need to stop punishing myself thinking I let my baby down. I need to stop being jealous of other children’s milestones and be grateful for the ones he’s hitting. I need to stop being jealous of people with healthy babies. I need to stop getting angry at people for making big dramas out of Childrens general ilnesses. They didn’t live through what I did. They don’t understand. 


One thing to help me find my future was the fact that the cardiology hospital appointment went well. His heart function is good, the residual vsd still there but causing no problems and we don’t need to go back for 13 months. Onwards and upwards. (Hopefully)

Improvements 

There been quite a change in me for some time now roughly 3 months. I’d say it’s the meds keeping me stable I don’t know. Either way things seem to be going well. 

Relationships with my family haven’t been great for a good few years. I always got upset when they didn’t make an effort but I’ve come to realise that some people don’t have the ability to change. I have learnt to accept them as they are. I see things differently now I always saw them as selfish but maybe he’s not actually the case. Yes it can be annoying that we don’t get help from them with my 2 boys. But at the same time they don’t know how to handle my eldest and they can’t pick up and carry my youngest either. So physically they can’t look after my boys. 

I can laugh and joke about not being the favourite and it’s doesn’t bother me anymore. They stuck up for me when things kicked off with another member of the family. That meant a lot to me. They finally see the person for who she is. 

Elsewhere my mood is stabilised, anxiety virtually non existent. Well except for today. It’s my sons annual check up tomorrow and I feel nervous as hell. It’s the first one in a year. First echo and ecg in a year too. I think everything is ok but I can’t only see the outside I don’t know what’s going on with his heart and it scares me. Once tomorrow is over if it all goes well I can relax again. I don’t like relying on people to look after my eldest because I never know how he’s going to behave what’s going to upset him and I’ll not be there to calm him down if it all kicks off. Everything is flaring up anxiety and I feel sick.

This Saturday is my beautiful youngest boys 2nd Birthday. Almost 2 years since my world crashed down around me. I hope things will be different. I don’t want to be upset from re living the past. I need to look to the future and stop punishing myself and blaming myself for his diagnosis. 

Feeling guilty 

I am so incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful children and I dint very often have a moan about them let alone on social media. Tonight I had a bit of a moan about how hard it is having a child 5 weeks away from turning 2 and him not being able to walk or talk. 

He’s got a development delay he’s non verbal and non weight baring. I love my kids with all I have but I’m struggling with his physical demands I hurt my wrist about 6 weeks ago and it’s becoming more painful. Having to fill out 2 lots of DLA forms for both my boys it’s mentally draining. 

Having the uncertainty of my eldest boys diagnosis for autism hanging over me still. I just want to be told officially it’s not a difficult request. I want to know 100% that he’s autistic so I know there’s reason for the way he acts. The way he behaves is because he’s autistic rather then is he or isn’t he?! 

I feel like I’m trying my best but it’s not good enough. I’m taking my meds and I feel different on them more confident and less anxious but tonight I feel so bad for saying what I have that I’m in tears. I don’t want anyone thinking bad of me for saying it. People don’t know how hard it with both boys. I don’t have family to support me or understand me and how hard it is. I feel alone in this.  

Back to the beginning 

So the other day was my blog anniversary so I’m going to link in my first days blog posts. This is how my blog first started as a way of coping and sharing my story. 

https://alwaysoverthinkingthings.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/the-beginning/

https://alwaysoverthinkingthings.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/5-months-old/

https://alwaysoverthinkingthings.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/surgical-repair/

These were all posted on my first ever day of blogging. I re read them and still feel like I did a year ago reading them. This counselling is hopefully going to help me to move on from the emotion of it all. 

Blog-aversary

A year ago today I started this blog, I started writing to get out there everything that was going on in my head at the time. I told my story of my sons congenital heart defect and my experience of how it all came about. A year later I’ve written hundreds of blog posts and got over a hundred followers. 

A lot has happened in a year but one things for certain I didn’t expect to still be upset over my little boys diagnosis. From here I will get counselling and talk about it all and hope to finally come to terms with it and put it all behind me. 

I’m still awaiting diagnosis for my eldest sons autism diagnosis and hopefully that will come in the next month or so. My immediate family unit (husband and 2 sons) feels stronger. I feel stable and able to cope better with challenges they bring. 

In a year from now I hope to still be writing but about how things have improved and how I hope to use my experience of heart defects, my organisational skills and my ability to overcome this depression to help other families facing difficulty. I hope that I can volunteer for the same charity that provided me with the support I so desperately needed. 

So as it’s my blog anniversary I’d like to give you the opportunity to promote your blog in the comments. Share the link to your blog so others can follow you and read what you write. I look forward to maybe even finding new blogs to follow and new followers to my blog. 

Busy week ahead

Today starts my extremely busy week with various different appointments with various different people involved in my youngest son’s care. 

We had his physiotherapist come today to see how he’s doing and I’ve got a lot of work to do in the next week to encourage him to start cruising around the furniture. I showed her the few steps he took unaided with his walker but he’s not done it since. Because he fell there’s a chance it’s knocked his conifidence a bit so I’m going to have to try building it back up. 

Tomorrow I have our health visitor coming to see us for a support visit. Now I’m not getting the supoort I was getting from my supoort worker I’m finding it hard. I was kind of relying on her to share something with her that I couldn’t say myself but now I either have to do it myself or say nothing at all. Have you ever had a secret that consumes you? Something awful that’s so hard to talk about? And then having that secret for pretty much half of my life and not having the courage to talk about it to just anyone? I have had the support from the outsider charity LRC but it’s coming to an end in like 2 weeks. I honestly don’t know what to do and I only have til tomorrow to decide. 

Wednesday I have a lady from the Sen academy she works for our county council and she comes to help with a child with additional needs development and it’s the first time I’m meeting her. So feeling kind of nervous and I have to probably go into his medical history etc unless our health visitor has done that. 

Thursday we have a speech and language telephone assessment so I’m hoping my mini monsters will be quiet long enough to take the call and let me speak. 

All this and anxiety is raising with each day. God I need a miracle.