The shit hit the fan. 

Well today the proverbial shit well and truly hit the fan. A week or so ago I’d waited 15 mins for a bus 3 pushchairs got on before me one of which had a 3/4 year old able to walk in a stroller. It would have been nice given that I’d waited a long time and my 2 year old who is unable to walk was asleep to be let on my one of them folding a pushchair down. They didn’t so I had to phone for a taxi. I was already pissed off but then the driver that turned up put the taxi meter on before he got out of the car. Before I got in or even loaded my pushchair in. My son had just woken up he was still sleepy in my arms. I’d been charged by a so called family member to put my buggy in the boot. 

I told the guy who owns the company I was not impressed I was not happy. Well today I go to my sisters and ask for a taxi into town for 10:45, it turns up at 10:50 and it’s the same driver (the “family” member) that previously over charged me the week before. I needed the cab so I was gonna get in and say nothing. I left the house to go to the taxi and he tried to drive away I try opening the door. He gets out and says no I don’t want you in because of last week. I said fine I’ll walk. I rang up the firm again and says right I need another taxi and fast because he refused to take me. 

Then I ranted on Facebook like we all do. That’s when the shit hit the fan. My grandad having a go, my “auntie” (the drivers wife) having a go. All telling me I’m lying etc I was to get my facts straight. I had my say and I wasn’t backing down. The conversation ended with my grandad telling me not to go to his house again. Me saying fine by me. I was angry how dare they treat me like that. It’s no loss of mine and I have no intention of crying any tears over it. They are not people I want my children growing up around. 

Been a while

I’ve been neglecting my blog for a while. It was my source of needing to get out what was rattling around in my head through bad times. 

So what’s new?…. 

I have been completely off meds cold turkey for 3 weeks now. 90% of the time I’m fine. The other 10% is catching up. I had a moment on Wednesday where I had a rough day. When it comes to my heart babies health i am always going to be anxious. It was the uncertainty of not knowing if he had chicken pox or not. Turns out he does. Once I knew I eased off a bit. I kept my eye on him and it turns out just as testament to his strength he was too poorly with him. He had them pretty midly (thank god)

Tuesday last week I had a meeting with all professionals involved with my youngest. It went brilliantly. It was all so positive and everything Is going so well with him. Everyone recognising my hard work and how well I’m now. Felt good. 

I celebrated my 4th wedding anniversary we went out for a meal at a local restaurant. 

The toddler group my youngest goes to that have been so fantastic and supportive are closing down in July. I am gutted and now searching for a nursery. I put his name down for one near the centre of town. There was total miscommunication now I’m put off and looking elsewhere. 

The cardiologist referred my youngest to a genetics clinic back in April the call came today and I had to go through everything again right from the start. It got to me by the end of the call I was in tears. I’ve had a shit day I’m tired, stressed and emotional. Off meds 3 weeks and already wondering if I’m being tested on my strength. My life hasn’t been my own for 2 years. Constantly chasing appointments, making calls, going to hospitals. The list never ends. Today I give up I’ve had enough. 

Poem

It can happen during utero,Or sometime after birth.

The news that makes you tremble,

The news that shakes the earth.
“we hear a distinct murmur ma’am,

There’s an issue with the heart

We’re not sure your child’s chances ma’am,

It’s going to be a rough start”
You think “why me? Why us?”

As you try to choke back tears

Your world crashing around you,

While you’re consumed by your worst fears.
That sharp pain in your chest.

The heart break, like a knife.

Watching your precious child

Fight so hard for their life.
The first few months are brutal,

You walk around like a zombie.

Endlessly wondering

“will my baby get to call me mommy?”
“don’t worry, it will get better”

Is something you can’t stand to hear.

It feels like everything is getting worse!

The end, it feels so near.
Then suddenly the days,

Seem to get a little brighter.

As you stare with loving eyes

At your precious little fighter.
You’ve never been so proud

Of one single little soul,

Gradually reaching milestones

And accomplishing their goals.
A heart moms journey

Is one that never ends.

Filled with support and compassion,

Of other heart mom friends.
We all love a little deeper,

And care a little more.

Reminding ourselves everyday,

Of how much we can be thankful for.
We were given this life for a reason,

And at times it can get rough.

But we use our kids as examples,

Of how to remain tough.
For us, strength is not a choice.

It’s a lifestyle we have to lead.

It’s what keeps us going,

And it’s what our heart child needs. 💙