Things looking up and me moving on

Dare i say it?  things right now in my life feel good. I’ve made a new friend and feel like I have a really good friendship with her already. I have a couple of friends I have lunch with on a Thursday now and I’m feeling good. I’m enjoying my life. I don’t feel depressed I don’t feel anxious I feel normal. I’m more confident then I’ve felt in a very very long time. 

I really hope this is down to me not just the meds. I’m only on 20mg so it’s not a massive dose. I feel like I’m finally moving forward. Without the anxiety dragging me down I’m just enjoying my life. I’m enjoying having new friends and I’m enjoying being me. I didn’t know I could feel like this again. Honestly feel like the person I used to be and if I hadn’t been so stubborn I could have felt like this a year ago. 

A year ago and even up to a few months ago I was consumed by depression and anxiety. Consumed by self doubt and guilt , I had zero confidence and i couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t eat I didn’t sleep and I didn’t and couldn’t enjoy life. I couldn’t enjoy being a mum. I’m no longer feeling anxious for counselling or my review with HS on Tuesday. I can’t believe how totally different I feel. This is coming from someone who was dead set against taking anti depressants. It does feel like I’ve cheated a little bit but hopefully in 3-4 months time I’ll have sorted my issues out and I can lower my dose and come off them. I of course need to find ways of coping when I do come off so I don’t slip back into old ways and to remember not to be so hard on myself. 

I feel so completely different. I have a circle of friends who now I feel I can be honest with about having depression and anxiety. I’m using my experiences to help my friend B. I’m helping her look for a house, I’m offering her a listening ear, I’m offering her friendship and introduced her to other people and through me she’s made other friends too. I felt compelled to help her like it was meant to be. Fate has told me to help her. 

It may sound bizzare but I’m a big believer of fate, karma and the spiritual world. I love crystals and believe all these things combined and having a social life and having people who need me like I needed someone makes me feel better about things. 

So for now I’m signing off and hoping that for once you’ll enjoy reading about my positivity as too many previous posts have been negative. 


Feeling guilty 

I am so incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful children and I dint very often have a moan about them let alone on social media. Tonight I had a bit of a moan about how hard it is having a child 5 weeks away from turning 2 and him not being able to walk or talk. 

He’s got a development delay he’s non verbal and non weight baring. I love my kids with all I have but I’m struggling with his physical demands I hurt my wrist about 6 weeks ago and it’s becoming more painful. Having to fill out 2 lots of DLA forms for both my boys it’s mentally draining. 

Having the uncertainty of my eldest boys diagnosis for autism hanging over me still. I just want to be told officially it’s not a difficult request. I want to know 100% that he’s autistic so I know there’s reason for the way he acts. The way he behaves is because he’s autistic rather then is he or isn’t he?! 

I feel like I’m trying my best but it’s not good enough. I’m taking my meds and I feel different on them more confident and less anxious but tonight I feel so bad for saying what I have that I’m in tears. I don’t want anyone thinking bad of me for saying it. People don’t know how hard it with both boys. I don’t have family to support me or understand me and how hard it is. I feel alone in this.