I had very strong beliefs against taking medication, I didn’t want to be controlled by it I wanted to be in control. 

I had a chat about it with the dr and he was pushing for me to take them and it put me off again. But I got to the point where I’d had the most awful down day where I just couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I had this massive breakdown I can’t even remember what happened. It was after that I decided I couldn’t do the rollercoaster anymore. It was time to do something about it. 

I spoke to my second support worker about it and she helped me realise that I have taken control back by deciding to do something about it. By deciding to take my life back I’m taking control of the situation. I’ve now been taking them for 3 weeks and I’m not sure yet if I’m  feeling the affects of them or not. In a way I feel I am. My anxiety is dramatically reduced, the depression as deep as it was has lessened. I don’t have really down bad days I have days where I’m maybe a little bit tearful and a bit mardy. Which is good I don’t have the rollercoaster anymore. I feel a little bit of normality coming back. 

I hope that after 6 months and after I’ve had counselling that I can come off the meds and start a fresh. I don’t want to become reliant on them because I’m stable I want to know I can do this without them in a few months time. 

In a stupid way (maybe) I kind of feel proud of myself for taking this step towards getting my life back. I feel stable if not a little bit emotional for the first time in a long time. I have great friends and I have my sisters D and V. 

When V refers to me as her big sister it makes me feel all warm inside (again stupid I know) it’s like she genuinely wants me to be part of her family. She’s accepted me the way I am and doesn’t try to change me or bring me down. I actually feel like I’m wanted because she’s chosen me to be in her life. She’s chosen me to be her sister. I feel happy she’s chosen me I’ve never had that before. She supports me through thick and thin. 


Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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