Last Thursday was my doctors appointment. 5 weeks since I was handed a prescription of anti depressants and sent on my way. It’s not what I wanted and I didn’t take them. I refused I wanted help not a prescription.
I told him I haven’t taken them and that it’s not what I wanted. Everything has been taken out of my control so what I put in my body is under my control, how I’m feeling is under my control. (well actually it’s not)
He was quite understanding and I spoke of my reasons why I hadn’t taken them. Loss of control, not wanting to be stuck on them, fear of not being able to come off them. He tried to reassure me but I’m still not sold. I don’t take medicines unless I really really have to. I like knowing that if I’m having a good day it’s because of me. The only problem is I’m not having that many good days it’s one constant blur of not so great days. My emotions are up and down, anxiety seems to be under some kind of control as I’m trying not to stress over clothing and trying not to plan what I’m wearing. But my mood is very up and down. I’m either ok but tired, emotional and tired, stressed and tired or just tired. No matter how much sleep I get I’m still tired.
I feel like I’m under so much pressure organising hospital appointments and trying to fit them in around school hours. Physio for the youngest, managing the eldests behaviour and trying to help him with his school work, reading books, doing homework and doing his spellings with him. I have various appointments with various different people.
I have to decide if I’m going to take these meds. I’m still struggling with the decision. Do I or don’t I? Will they help ease my mood? Will I have awful side effects? Will they help me stress less and feel like I’m under less pressure? Can I dedicate myself to knowing I’m on them for at least 6 months. What happens in 6 months if I want to come off them?! Too many questions not enough answers.