After my post last night I was quite emotional. I kept thinking about today and what to do. I asked my friend L last night I didn’t go into any detail but I told there’s something that I’d been to talking to my support either about and I’d asked her to keep it private and that she was given permission by me to talk to the health visitor about it. Since that was no longer going to happen should I man up and tell her myself or just say nothing. She said to man up and tell her and it will be hard and the words might but want to come out but to get the support it’s better to tell her.
Well I fucked up she came today and she asked how I was and we talked about by boys and how they were doing. We talked about my counselling and she booked in to see me again. Just as she was getting ready to leave she said “I’ll see you next time unless there’s anything else you want to talk to me about” she gave me the opportunity right then to say something and I couldn’t. I wanted to and I tried but all I could say was “ermm” so annoyed with myself and so upset with myself. Why couldn’t I just come out and say it?? Why is it so fucking hard? I’ve been so low since she left. Jeez I’m such an idiot. Why can’t I just come and say it? Why do I keep hiding it away?