Feeling helpless


It’s only Tuesday but it’s been a tough and testing week for my mental health. Although me and my younger sister were close years ago we kinda drifted apart a little 2 years ago when we both had our youngest children. We recently got a bit closer after the fall out with my eldest sister. She’s gone into hospital to have a hip replacement. She went in last Thursday and we were all worrying as we didn’t hear anything for 9 hours. Finally we got news that she was out of theatre and doing ok but in a lot of pain. Over the weekend they got her out of bed and she took 4 steps. She’s missing her family and she’s missing her boys and I’m missing her too. She found out yesterday that her hip is now dislocated so today they put her under and did the manipulation. It’s worked…. temporarily. Basically they have fucked it up and she has to under go the hip replacement all over again tomorrow.

So that’s part of it…

So on Sunday I get a phone call from my mum telling me to stay calm and not panic. My dad has had a suspected heart attack they took him in an ambulance to one of the nearest hospitals. I get confirmation that it was a heart attack but he’s stable.He was transferred to another hospital miles and miles away from home to have an angiogram and a stent put in. He was suppose to be coming home today but he’s not. He’s got to stay in while they stabilise him on his meds. 

I feel utterly helpless I can’t visit either of them. I can’t do anything to help either of them. There’s so much going on all at once and I don’t know how much more I can handle before I completely fall apart. I have very little support because everyone is so overstretched and health visitor has been off sick for a couple of weeks. I don’t feel like I can keep going to friends because they have troubles of their own. I honestly feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. I’m trying to stay strong but I’m failing. 

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Great Grandma

Bit of an usual post for me as I don’t have many nice things to say about my immediate family. 

My great grandma was a wonderful woman I adored her and have so many fond memories of her. I remember as a kid my great grandma and grandpa and great auntie coming to visit at Christmas time. I always looked forward to their visits and knew every Christmas I’d get some knitted bed socks. I loved them even though my feet would get so hot I wore them every night in bed. Years down the line my great grandpa and great auntie died, great grandma moved to our home town to be closer to all her family. Although it was sad that they all died I was so happy she lived close by. 

I went to visit her and my grandad and his wife every month without fail. I loved going to see her. I loved the things she’d tell me and she would always look forward to seeing me and my eldest. He loved her just as much as I did. I remember telling her I was pregnant and if I had a girl I wanted to name her after her. If I had a boy (which I did) I would name him after my grandad (which I did). She was so proud and so happy. In Feb 2015 a few months from her 100th birthday she became ill and we weren’t sure if she’d make it to her birthday. 

Every call I got I was panicking if it was that call to tell me she’d gone. I’m so grateful she loved until her birthday in May. She met my youngest son on her birthday the one and only time she saw him. She died on the 19th may 2015 and it broke my heart. I loved her so so much. I went to her funeral and cried all the way through it. I remember my mum giving me a hug and saying she knew how much great grandma meant to me. I was the only one who went to see her every month unlike the family who only went at Christmas to get the Christmas money. A few weeks after she died my grandad gave my mum one of great grandmas rings. Mum always said it’s the one she wanted. My mum gave it to me knowing how much I loved my grandma and how often I went to see her. I wear it with pride and I was so upset when I realised the other day one of its stones is missing. It’s the only thing I have left of her other then photos I hope with all my heart it can be fixed. I honestly believe she is my youngest sons guardian angel and she’s there watching over him protecting him. ‚̧ūüėá

Decisions decisions


Last Thursday was my doctors appointment. 5 weeks since I was handed a prescription of anti depressants and sent on my way. It’s not what I wanted and I didn’t take them. I refused I wanted help not a prescription. 


I told him I haven’t taken them and that it’s not what I wanted. Everything has been taken out of my control so what I put in my body is under my control, how I’m feeling is under my control. (well actually it’s not) 


He was quite understanding and I spoke of my reasons why I hadn’t taken them. Loss of control, not wanting to be stuck on them, fear of not being able to come off them. He tried to reassure me but I’m still not sold. I don’t take medicines unless I really really have to. I like knowing that if I’m having a good day it’s because of me. The only problem is I’m not having that many good days it’s one constant blur of not so great days. My emotions are up and down, anxiety seems to be under some kind of control as I’m trying not to stress over clothing and trying not to plan what I’m wearing. But my mood is very up and down. I’m either ok but tired, emotional and tired, stressed and tired or just tired. No matter how much sleep I get I’m still tired. 


I feel like I’m under so much pressure organising hospital appointments and trying to fit them in around school hours. Physio for the youngest, managing the eldests behaviour and trying to help him with his school work, reading books, doing homework and doing his spellings with him. I have various appointments with various different people.

I have to decide if I’m going to take these meds. I’m still struggling with the decision. Do I or don’t I? Will they help ease my mood? Will I have awful side effects? Will they help me stress less and feel like I’m under less pressure? Can I dedicate myself to knowing I’m on them for at least 6 months. What happens in 6 months if I want to come off them?! Too many questions not enough answers. 

Family

I haven’t got the closest family in the world. Most of the time we barely speak, not via text, no calls, not even on social media. I speak to my mum every so often and check to see if she’s ok that’s it. Going back 6 years ago we were all pretty close. We’d meet in town, I looked after my eldest sisters kids when she did a adult learning course once a week. We went to each other’s houses, met up at my mums like a family would. I don’t honestly know what happened between us all. Maybe we just drifted apart but my youngest sister and I remained close but we aren’t that close now. My eldest sister and I stopped talking about 2 years ago maybe even longer. I got tired of all the shit. I was never included in family meals out, days out I was never spoken to on any level social media phone calls etc. 

A year ago in November we made up and started talking again even though she was told months earlier to make peace she never did. I should have learnt my lesson back then as it’s clear she didn’t actually want me to be in her life. The same shit over and over again. So the shit hit the fan last night when none of my sisters have spoken to me via social media so I restricted access to the information I shared. Well the eldest wasn’t happy and started slagging me off. It’s all my fault. My mum for once actually defended me. It’s all petty but I got so upset by it. 


They really really upset me and hurt me. I’m no angel but I’m a good person. I would bend over backwards to help anyone. Last year I raised ¬£100 for 2 different charities. At Christmas I donated brand new toys and shower gift sets I’d gone out and bought especially for a charity that helps me out. I did that off my own back for no other reason then to genuinely want to help. So why do I get so much shit back? Why do I deserve to be treated with such ignorance and disrespect? 


Last night I worked myself up so much so much pent up emotion from the fall out and the visit before all this kicked off. I was shaking, shivering, I nearly made myself sick from crying and I couldn’t breathe properly. This is what they did to me. But they will never understand how hurtful it is. I keep myself to myself I do nothing wrong to anyone. I phoned V after messsging her and she calmed me down. I was in a proper state. I do love that girl she has this amazing power to say exactly what you need to hear in that moment. 

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow but it’s pretty pointless going because I haven’t taken the meds he prescribed me. I might as well have cancelled. Anyway I’ve ranted on enough I must go I have a bubble bath waiting for me. 

I messed up 

After my post last night I was quite emotional. I kept thinking about today and what to do. I asked my friend L last night I didn’t go into any detail but I told there’s something that I’d been to talking to my support either about and I’d asked her to keep it private and that she was given permission by me to talk to the health visitor about it. Since that was no longer going to happen should I man up and tell her myself or just say nothing. She said to man up and tell her and it will be hard and the words might but want to come out but to get the support it’s better to tell her.

Well I fucked up she came today and she asked how I was and we talked about by boys and how they were doing. We talked about my counselling and she booked in to see me again. Just as she was getting ready to leave she said “I’ll see you next time unless there’s anything else you want to talk to me about” she gave me the opportunity right then to say something and I couldn’t. I wanted to and I tried but all I could say was “ermm” so annoyed with myself and so upset with myself. Why couldn’t I just come out and say it?? Why is it so fucking hard? I’ve been so low since she left. Jeez I’m such an idiot. Why can’t I just come and say it? Why do I keep hiding it away? 

Busy week ahead

Today starts my extremely busy week with various different appointments with various different people involved in my youngest son’s care. 

We had his physiotherapist come today to see how he’s doing and I’ve got a lot of work to do in the next week to encourage him to start cruising around the furniture. I showed her the few steps he took unaided with his walker but he’s not done it since. Because he fell there’s a chance it’s knocked his conifidence a bit so I’m going to have to try building it back up. 

Tomorrow I have our health visitor coming to see us for a support visit. Now I’m not getting the supoort I was getting from my supoort worker I’m finding it hard. I was kind of relying on her to share something with her that I couldn’t say myself but now I either have to do it myself or say nothing at all. Have you ever had a secret that consumes you? Something awful that’s so hard to talk about? And then having that secret for pretty much half of my life and not having the courage to talk about it to just anyone? I have had the support from the outsider charity LRC but it’s coming to an end in like 2 weeks. I honestly don’t know what to do and I only have til tomorrow to decide. 

Wednesday I have a lady from the Sen academy she works for our county council and she comes to help with a child with additional needs development and it’s the first time I’m meeting her. So feeling kind of nervous and I have to probably go into his medical history etc unless our health visitor has done that. 

Thursday we have a speech and language telephone assessment so I’m hoping my mini monsters will be quiet long enough to take the call and let me speak. 

All this and anxiety is raising with each day. God I need a miracle.