Support or alone 

I hate how I overthink everything and how i replay a conversation in my head over and over to try and process what I’ve been told. 

My support worker rang me this afternoon which I thought was a bit strange as I only spoke to her yesterday. Basically from what I’ve understood she won’t be supporting me for a while because she’s got to do other things that will take up her time. I’ve gotta admit I felt quite upset. I know I reply too much on the support I have but I have literally no-one else around me that I can open up to. The person who will take over either long term or short term I can’t talk to openly. She only gets very basic information because she’s not discreet. She discusses things I’d rather not have other people in that group setting knowing. I work hard to keep my life private and none of them know anything about why I get support. 

Only yesterday she was discussing with someone my son needing physio and his referral to get medical boots. That’s my information it’s my private business that I don’t want discussing with other people. Now I’m overthinking the reasons why she’s not supporting me. Maybe I’ve said something?! Done something? Expected too much of her?! Something that she can’t do within her job role that I’ve said like discussing with the health visitor details of my past I can’t find the courage to say myself. 

I can’t talk to the others because they don’t know me. I can’t let them in I don’t know them well enough. It’s taken a long time to build up the trust I have and now I feel like I’m going to be completely alone. I’ll have to pretend everything’s ok when it’s not. Because there’s no-one there I’ll be able to talk to. I’ve got things coming up that I’m gonna need that support eith but I’m going to have to face it alone. Maybe they are gearing me up to leave the support behind I don’t know. I still need the help I set myself a 4 month target but I can’t get there alone. But it looks like I might have to. I don’t know if it’s a temporary thing or if it’s a long term thing. If it’s long term I might aswell not bother going it’s not like I’ll get anything out of going without the support. 

I feel a bit lost and alone again. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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