I kind of feel like I’m getting somewhere with how I’ve been feeling. I’ve had another home support visit from our health visitor. I’ve been very guarded with what I’ve said to her so far about how I’ve been feeling. I actually finally opened up more to her and I got quite tearful talking to her. I wrote things down I wanted to say but I didn’t use them I spoke but along the same lines as I’d written down. She is very understanding and she ms helped me understand why I feel I need to be in control of things. The explanation I was because everything that happened in the past and with my youngest was out if my control I feel I have to have control over other aspects of my life. So the medication once again takes things out of my control which is why I’m so reluctant to take it.
I’ve agreed to try steps 2 change again despite not getting on with it previously. If I’m gonna help myself get better then I can’t throw any help back in their faces. I want to at least give it a try and see what they can do to help. I’ve tried CBT but I didn’t get on with it. I can see that my anxiety is sometimes totally irrational but I can’t help that it bothers me which is totally frustrating. I’ve been told that because my youngest is 20 months old now it’s not post natal depression. It’s depression anxiety and ptsd. Due to the trauma of my babies health condition and diagnosis.
It’s time to come to terms with this now I don’t be thinking close to his 2nd birthday “this is when our lives got turned upside etc” I wanna think look how far this boy has come. My little superhero that did everything he could to become the beautiful little boy he is now. He fought his fight and won it. Now I need to fight my fight and win it so this little boy gets his mummy at full strength. Once I get past this I can get past everything else and one day I hope I can go back to being more relaxed and anxiety free.
The downside is now we have this health visitor she’s only allowed so many visits to support me. Once again I’ve built this up and let her in and before long it will be gone again and maybe that will be ok, if I’m strong enough. If I’m not then it’s not going to be ok because I’m getting somewhere. It’s not the other support I have isn’t helpful because it is. It’s just a different level this health visitor is a trained counsellor so she can get more out of me shes got that background. So these people around me mixed together I’m getting the right level of help to move on. It’s been long enough now it’s time to get the old me back. I need to take a hold of these emotions and say fuck you I’m gonna beat you.