Dread

Tomorrow I have the doctors appointment I’ve been dreading for weeks. The same appointment I’ve wanted to cancel several times but don’t know why I haven’t. I’m already overthinking everything. If I tell my Dr I’ve been snappy and short tempered he might think my kids are in danger and think I’m not fit to look after them. So not true. However annoyed and upset and short tempered I get I would never hurt my children. They are the most precious things to me. 

I have my support worker coming with me and she’s going to come into see the doctor with me too not just sit in the waiting room. I’m so nervous and I’m tearful because of the anxiety. She’s rung me this afternoon to see how I was doing. I’ve kept it together most of today I’ve covered up my emotions and feelings to to keep the pretence that I’m ok. My husband has gone from the understanding man I wanted him to be to the annoying twat I can’t stand him to be. He’s stopped asking me if I’m ok which means the novelty has worn off. He’s gone back to being a sarcastic twat and trying to be funny. I’m ready to snap at him. I don’t want fucking humour all the time and laughs and jokes mostly at my expense. I want the man back who was concerned and caring and thoughtful. I want to be honest and I want to open up more to him he just makes it so hard sometimes. Then wonders why I have all the support around me that I have. I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends. I feel like a constant burden that annoys people. So I’ve given up I just say to people that I’m ok it’s just easier. 

Talking never used to come easy to me. I kept things to myself for a very long time after my youngest was born I just kept everything going plodding along feeling completely alone. I know I’m not alone now but still feel it sometimes. I know someone can’t be there everyday to talk to but some days are harder then others and sometimes I need to have that someone there to talk to just to make things that bit easier. I’m scared about tomorrow and I know how ridiculous that sounds but it’s very real to me. Last time I was handed pills and sent on my way that’s not going to help it’s only going to make things ten times worse. I can’t be dealing with the awful side effects and feeling like shit for weeks on end especially so close to Christmas. I want to enjoy Christmas and not feel like I did last year.

Last Christmas Eve I felt so physically unwell and mentally unwell I had severe stomach pains. The day was bothering me and I felt guilty for feeling crap feeling like I was spoiling it for everyone. I saw every hour Christmas Eve night and I was so tired the next morning. I had Christmas day where i felt fine and enjoyed the day. Boxing Day it hit me like a ten tonne truck I felt rubbish and tired and stressed. I can’t be like that this I refuse to be like that. I need to feel ok for me and my boys. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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