Yesterday. 

**Long post warning**

Yesterday I had a support meeting with T my support worker from LRC. I chatted about stuff from the weekend, I chatted about my anxieties over the area he (the person I want to avoid) works in. I had to make a list of all my anxieties however big small or insignificant. If it affects me I needed to say it. It was difficult because until I really thought about it I didn’t know how much aniexty I actually have. And nearly all of it isn’t related to one incident. It’s pretty much all related to around when my youngest was born. I knew it affected me and I knew it was this massive thing but I didn’t realise how massively it actually changed my life. 
I love my baby with all my heart and soul I love both my babies with all that I have. I just got really upset when this came to light. Having a baby is suppose to be this really wonderful amazing thing and it is but with this little one of mine it was the scariest most awful time aswell. 

You get told to expect the worst you get all this bad information drummed into you. He won’t gain weight, he will turn blue, he will struggle to breathe, he won’t thrive, and he will be a really poorly baby. Yet every week and every check up we had for 5 months he did the exact opposite. So now I expect the worst in every situation I’m in. I can’t think about what could go right I instantly think about what could go wrong. 


I have one more support meeting with T this year and it’s probably the last. She’s contacting the lady I had therapy with before cancelling it. To see what is the best way of moving forward. She knows that by having to travel and find childcare and fit it in around school will only cause more anxiety.

I had my review with M from HS my family support worker. It went ok I guess but I’ve stayed on a level until we got to my mental health and emotions. It’s taken a dip so the outcome was lower then the last review. She’s contuing her support which I’m happy with because without them I don’t know where I’d be. They provide what my family should be providing for me. I’d be completely lost without their support. 

After my meeting yesterday I caught up with M again today she wanted to see how things went and how I was feeling. I managed not to cry which is good. I told her about the Drs appointment next week. I told her that seeing as I was afraid to go alone I asked my “little sister” V to come with me. Totally forgetting we’d both have our children with us. (Obviously knew I’d have mine with me) she suggested I could ask V to look after my youngest in the support centre and she would come with me to the Drs. If I wanted her to and she wouldn’t be offended if I said no. I hate asking favours from people I even contacted the childminder to see if she was free if I couldn’t ask V. Another friend says she could do it if V couldn’t as it wouldn’t be long. They are both gonna look after him between them so I can go with M to this appointment. I’m terrified I need to get the confidence to say I don’t want pills I want help. I don’t want to be hanged a prescription and sent on my way. 

I have a lot of support around me now again which I’m so grateful for  I have the new health visitor who is lovely and very understanding I have my family support worker and group support worker and until a few weeks time I have T too. These people make me feel like what I say is normal that how I feel is ok and they say all the right things to make me feel better. They will probably never know how much that helps and how much it means to know I’m not alone. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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