It’s getting to the end of the year and my mind wanders back over the past 20 months. It’s not how I planned it would go, it’s been very hard for many different reasons. I’m not the person I was 2 years ago but that’s ok because I’m working on becoming a newer version of whoever I am now. I’m not sure I’ll ever be who I was before too much has happened.
I had a telephone assessment yesterday to get some help from S2C. The person assessing me asked questions about how much anxiety and depression affects my every day life, social life and relationships. I answered honestly and it was kind of brutal. Maybe I’ve been a bit blind to it until yesterday how much I’ve actually struggled. I just see it as getting on with things but I’m not. I had the confidence to turn down a group workshop and online therapy because I didn’t think they would work for me. I have a longer wait but to get the help I need I’m willing to wait.
I’m not going to do the whole new year new me and all that bullshit because I know too well it’s not gonna happen. If I got my hopes up that I’d be able to make a new start and it didn’t happen I’d only be disappointed. I’m looking forward to getting back to normality, this time of year is hard because I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I don’t see anyone I normally see not such a bad thing seeing as most of the people I see at groups are morons. It’s my friends and the few people I actually like I miss.
I miss doing the school run my eldest is playing up rotten because he’s bored and had no routine and no excitement of Christmas to look forward to. I just can’t wait for Thursday to arrive.
Happy New Year to anyone reading this I hope 2017 brings you everything you want it to.
I’m quite honest on my blog about me having depression and anxiety. This blog helps me get the stuff I need to get said out of my head which is one of the Bain reasons I started blogging. There’s a certain stigma attached to depression that everyone gets tarred with the same brush. Well I say it’s bullshit.
So many people think people depression don’t wash or don’t take care of themselves well that’s wrong. I have a bath or shower if not every day at least every other day. My hair is always clean and well presented. I do my make up every day and I dress decently everyday. I wash my clothes and change them every day.
People with depression spend days in bed, while maybe some people do I don’t. I get up and out of bed every morning, I soft my kids clothes out then sort myself out. Getting dressed in the outfit I planned a day or two before. I do my hair then put my face on.
That every depressed person wants to commit suicide or self harms. Again yes many people with depression do self harm and have attempted suicide. But not every person with depression has thought about it or wants to do it. I went for counselling last year and I was asked series of questions about my mental health. One of them was have you ever thought about or harmed yourself ? I replied no instantly I was asked why. Why haven’t I self harmed or thought about it? I’m depressed so I must have done. Then I was asked wether or not I’d tried to or thought about killing myself. I replied no. Truthfully I have never thought about ending my life. Again I was asked why. What’s stopping me from ending my life? I said I’ve never even thought about it I don’t want to end my life. Why? I was asked again in disbelief. Because I have 2 children that need me and I don’t want to end my life. There are people out there who genuinely feel like there’s no other way out of their illness I’m not one of them. But the people who have tried and luckily failed don’t get the help they need.
I am depressed and I have anxiety and there’s a real possibility that I also have 2 forms of ptsd. From 2 totally different in related evevts in my life. I am insecure, I am in no way a confident person. I wear make up every day to put on a pretence to the outside world that I’m fine so they don’t see me for who I am. I am broken. I have a mental illness. I hate how I look so I’m constantly changing something about me to throw people off the scent. I keep my mental illness private I don’t tell the world my business. Not many people know the real me. If you do you count yourself lucky cause I don’t show many people who I really am.
I’m trying to think of the best bits of 2016 so I try my hardest so start the new year in a positive frame of mind.
I look back and my mind goes straight to the awful moments of the year. Firstly I expected that I wouldn’t still be fighting off depression and anxiety. Things became worse for me when I opened up a can of worms confiding in someone about something that happened 15 years ago. I thought once I said it and got it out there I’d feel like a weight had been lifted. Temporarily it did, I felt free of it like the secret I’d been keeping locked away had freed me from it. But when march came and I’d found out someone had moved back into my town it went seriously downhill and caused more anxiety then I already had. I had to let other people in on this secret. It’s been pretty hard letting people in on this secret and talking about it and getting support to deal with it.
The only plus side is the support I have had has been amazing. My friend V has been at the end of every message or video call when I’ve been in tears. We really properly became close again this year. Closer then ever before and she’s classed as my little sister. This girl is a warrior princess or something. Despite her own issues she is there when anyone needs her. Everyone needs a friend like her in their lives.
This year my youngest boy celebrated his first birthday and his heart Anniversary. My eldest turned 5 and settled into his new class really well and has achieved so many things in school and home.
I usually make ridiculous New Years resolutions that I never keep. All I want for next year is my children to continue to progress in their own unique ways and hope that this time next year I’m in a much better place with my mental health. I want to free from my demons in 2017.
I’ve been looking forward to Christmas this year. Although mental health has took a downward turn the last few months I’ve actually felt better then I did last year.
I’ve been kinder to myself this year and not expected too much from myself. I think that it helped me enjoy the day more.
I waited for the kids to wake up with the excitement of seeing them open their presents and they eventually woke up at 7. They opened the stockings and my eldest got his present from Eddie the elf that’s been playing tricks on him this month. Their little faces when they saw the mountain of presents was priceless.
I cooked and ate a full dinner at lunch time with no pressure on myself I too my time asked for help when it was needed and my god I can cook. It was lovely, Everyone enjoyed their meal.
I’ve spent the day running around like a blue arse fly but it kept anxiety and depression at bay for this one magical day. For this one day I was the mum I want to be all the time to my children not on edge but relaxed. Everything was taken in its stride today.
Hope everyone has had a lovely day. Merry Christmas everyone 🎅🏻⛄️❄️
I’d like to thank everyone who followed my blog, liked or commented. It’s been about 10 months of writing so thank you to you all.
Merry Christmas to you all, hope it’s magical and everything you wish it to be.
I’m such a fucking mess but it’s me in the world alone now so tonight I’m gonna cry and tomorrow I’m gonna put my big girl pants on and suck it up. My kids need me and I need to make Christmas magical for my kids. Depression isn’t going to stop me my shitty ass family ain’t going to stop me. They make stupid little look at me attention seeking Facebook posts and the fake I love my children and I’m proud of them bullshit tagging me in it when it’s all shit.
All I have to say is Fuck You, Fuck Your Shit and Fuck Off.
I don’t need your bullshit I don’t need your ignorance. You make all the changes you like in 2017 be sure to make me one of them cause I certainly ain’t chasing anyone next year. You either take an interest in my life or you ain’t part of it.
I hate how I overthink everything and how i replay a conversation in my head over and over to try and process what I’ve been told.
My support worker rang me this afternoon which I thought was a bit strange as I only spoke to her yesterday. Basically from what I’ve understood she won’t be supporting me for a while because she’s got to do other things that will take up her time. I’ve gotta admit I felt quite upset. I know I reply too much on the support I have but I have literally no-one else around me that I can open up to. The person who will take over either long term or short term I can’t talk to openly. She only gets very basic information because she’s not discreet. She discusses things I’d rather not have other people in that group setting knowing. I work hard to keep my life private and none of them know anything about why I get support.
Only yesterday she was discussing with someone my son needing physio and his referral to get medical boots. That’s my information it’s my private business that I don’t want discussing with other people. Now I’m overthinking the reasons why she’s not supporting me. Maybe I’ve said something?! Done something? Expected too much of her?! Something that she can’t do within her job role that I’ve said like discussing with the health visitor details of my past I can’t find the courage to say myself.
I can’t talk to the others because they don’t know me. I can’t let them in I don’t know them well enough. It’s taken a long time to build up the trust I have and now I feel like I’m going to be completely alone. I’ll have to pretend everything’s ok when it’s not. Because there’s no-one there I’ll be able to talk to. I’ve got things coming up that I’m gonna need that support eith but I’m going to have to face it alone. Maybe they are gearing me up to leave the support behind I don’t know. I still need the help I set myself a 4 month target but I can’t get there alone. But it looks like I might have to. I don’t know if it’s a temporary thing or if it’s a long term thing. If it’s long term I might aswell not bother going it’s not like I’ll get anything out of going without the support.
I feel a bit lost and alone again.