I managed to keep myself together today after yesterday, I’ve been out with my little one to the open door group so it was a nice distraction from over thinking.
My mind is working overtime and I’m not really processing my thoughts on yesterday. It doesn’t help that I can’t really talk about it fully not on here, not in person so I’m stuck. I want to talk about it but other then writing it in my mood book I’m struggling to. I wanted to try and catch my support worker for a chat to fill her in on things that are going on and what happened with the meeting last week wit this new health visitor, shes arranged to come to my house tomorrow for a support review. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing it’s a bit out the blue. So now I’m overthinking that wondering why I’m having a review unless it’s because it’s been a while since the last one.
My youngest boy is still not well I feel like I’m being fobbed off with this “viral infection” I know my children better than anyone else. I spend all day everyday with him and I know in my heart something isn’t right. I’m torn between trusting my instinct and wondering if anxiety is playing a part in this. My husband has said that he’s noticed something isn’t right too. As much as I want it to just be viral I’m scared to death that it’s something else and I’m not seeing it. I’m terrified we will end up back in hospital again. I don’t know what I’m doing right anymore. I swear they think I’m crazy but they didn’t live through all those months of worry. I’m no drama queen but at the moment I feel like it.
I’ve got so much floating around my head I dint know what I’m doing. I forget everything, I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I’m getting things muddled up days, times etc. I find myself in my own little world and don’t always realise when I’m being spoken to. I go from not wanting to clean the house to bat shit crazy cleaning frenzies. I go from not hungry and skipping lunch to full on starvation mode. There’s no i between at the moment so even if I seem like I’ve got it together and my emotions are in check there’s so much more to it. I need to get this said I need people to know even If I look fine it’s just a pretence, it’s all for keeping up appearances.