I’ve had an ok weekend. I’ve felt ok not brilliant not low just ok. My parents in law came for the weekend which was nice. I’ve not really been feeling great for a long time so to feel ok is an improvement.
I have a home visit from a health visitor coming up on Thursday feeling anxious as I’m not 100% sure why it’s a home visit and why she’s coming. I think it’s because I want to know more about my youngest one’s development and how far behind he is. It’s been upsetting and I know I shouldn’t compare because they haven’t been through what he has. It just makes it so much harder when even you’re own family shove it down your throat. They don’t get how much it upsets me and how it affects me. They don’t know me not even a little bit. They don’t understand how much I can struggle on a daily basis and how lonely it is to keep this secret and pretend I have my shit together. My real family are my friends the ones who see my smile and know I’m close to tears. They are the ones who encourage me and get how proud little moments make me. I’m never good enough for my family and neither are my boys and I have no idea why. I’m only good enough when they want a favour.
I’m already dreading this Drs appointment in a few weeks and I’m bit convinced I wanna go. I really don’t want to go on medication i so want to sort this myself. I’ve seen people who can’t reduce their dose, who go on epic rants when they run out of tablets and go into massive meltdowns threatening to murder their children (in jest). I cannot be one of those people. This person isn’t a close friend and I’m not having a dig at anyone. I just see what medication does to some people and I don’t want to rely on medication. I would agree to counselling or mindfulness etc but pills just aren’t for me.