It’s been a day of mixed emotions. Plans I made with a friend got cancelled last minute because one of her children wasn’t well and I handled it pretty well. Normally anxiety would have been raised and I’d have been wondering what I could do instead. So I went to town and decided I’d colour my hair instead.
I was feeling ok but I saw something on Facebook and I kinda got upset my it and I got jealous. I hate it it’s such an ugly emotion but here I am trying my hardest to get the physio done for my little one and I’m seeing how well all these other children are doing. They are walking, talking, standing and getting praised for it quite rightly so of course. It’s just a massive downer and slap in the face with a reminder that I’ve got to have physio involved for my son. He’s got a development delay because of his heart issues when he was smaller. He tires easily and I get paranoid about him being exposed to the cold. A constant reminder that my baby still has that small hole in his heart. I know it’s depression making all this harder to handle it just sick of it all. I get no help from family and I feel like I’m a constant burden when I say these things out loud and when I ask for help. I’m sick of people who don’t know what I’ve gone through with him telling me how well he’s doing. They don’t know shit and it feels patronising and frustrating. I would love to see my little one walk or stand unaided or stand against something unaided but it’s not that easy. It’s never going to be that easy it’s taking time and it’s slow progress and I feel like I’m getting no where with it. I feel defeated by it I want him to do well and I want him to have his independence it’s hard work having a 19 month old who can’t walk, or talk much. It’s tiring and it’s lonely and it’s hard.