Fear

Fear and anxiety seems to play a big part of my life at the moment. After wondering if I could make it to my friends house it caused so much anxiety. I was terrified. I held it together before taking my eldest to school and took my little one to a toddler group to leave him for the first time there. Leaving him at a toddler group in someone else’s care also caused a lot of anxiety. Once I dropped him off knowing I’d have to face my fear of going to my friends house anxiety ride even higher. I cried I couldn’t hold it back. 

I rang my support worker feeling like an absolute idiot. I was in tears and I was shaking like a leaf. I asked for help and I went and met her and walked the long way round to V’s house. We walked past the shop I wanted to avoid on the opposite side of the road. I hesitated but she swapped sides with me and I walked past. My support worker was so good at trying to distract me talking about anything and everything. I made it to the house where she waited until I was inside and then she left. I was a state. I was terrified and felt so incredibly stupid for getting so worked up. When I left I asked my friend to walk with me. There’s a supermarket right across the road so she walked with me to the crossing then she had to go a different way. 

I don’t feel any better for facing that fear and anxiety I woke up Saturday morning feeling so ill. Probably the effect from the day before. I’ve felt so ill and so run down all weekend. Despite that I felt ill I went again on Saturday to assist like I said I would. I made it on my own but still don’t feel any better. I don’t get why I don’t. It’s so frustrating and incredibly down hearting. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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