It’s about a year since I was told I have post natal depression. At first I didn’t accept it I was fine I was just trying to get over everything I went through with my youngest and on top of that I was dealing with the possibility of my eldest having autism and not really understanding it.
I still don’t now if I’m honest. My life is dictated by a 5 year old part of me does it because it keeps meltdowns to a minimum and I want an easy life. Part of me can’t stand it. He decides when he’s had enough of places because of sensory overload. It’s frustrating and it’s annoying and it’s lonely as hell.
I didn’t realise until last night when my friend pointed it out to me that it’s depression making me feel like a shit mum not because I am a shit mum. How could I not realise that? I still think I am a crappy mother depression or not. I’m lonely and I’m trying to keep 2 kids entertained for 10 hours a day. It’s exhausting my house is a mess, I don’t get to finish a meal providing I actually make one. I just keep plodding on in my own lonely little world. I wish people understood this I wish I could tell more people. I wish I could say to the people who support me what I say in this blog. This is my only way of getting it out there. I need conversation I need to talk this through with someone.
I’m not coping aswell as everyone thinks I am. There’s no physical scars for people to see that I’m hurting and so tired and so alone with this. I plaster on the make up as a mask make myself and everyone else believe I’m ok.
If there were actual physical scars maybe it would get noticed maybe they would realise I’m not as ok as I make out. Now I’m not saying I’m gonna go hurting myself because I’m not. I don’t want to. I just wish I could say all this out loud and be heard and be understood. For them to realise they shouldn’t just presume I’m ok when I say I’m fine I’m not. I’m just afraid of admitting it to them. I’m afraid of the judgment and the talking behind my back amongst themselves. Filling each other in on what I’ve said and done.
Depression sucks and most of the time I can bury it away and almost seem normal but then like a switch goes off and I’m back to where I was. It makes me question everything, it makes my anxiety ten times worse and it makes me a horrible person to be around. I’m snappy, I’m emotional and I push people away. I want my life back. I want normality back. I want to live and forgot everything from the past that hurts me.