Torn 

I managed to keep myself together today after yesterday, I’ve been out with my little one to the open door group so it was a nice distraction from over thinking. 


My mind is working overtime and I’m not really processing my thoughts on yesterday. It doesn’t help that I can’t really talk about it fully not on here, not in person so I’m stuck. I want to talk about it but other then writing it in my mood book I’m struggling to. I wanted to try and catch my support worker  for a chat to fill her in on things that are going on and what happened with the meeting last week wit this new health visitor, shes arranged to come to my house tomorrow for a support review. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing it’s a bit out the blue. So now I’m overthinking that wondering why I’m having a review unless it’s because it’s been a while since the last one. 


My youngest boy is still not well I feel like I’m being fobbed off with this “viral infection” I know my children better than anyone else. I spend all day everyday with him and I know in my heart something isn’t right. I’m torn between trusting my instinct and wondering if anxiety is playing a part in this. My husband has said that he’s noticed something isn’t right too. As much as I want it to just be viral I’m scared to death that it’s something else and I’m not seeing it. I’m terrified we will end up back in hospital again. I don’t know what I’m doing right anymore. I swear they think I’m crazy but they didn’t live through all those months of worry. I’m no drama queen but at the moment I feel like it.


  I’ve got so much floating around my head I dint know what I’m doing. I forget everything, I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I’m getting things muddled up days, times etc. I find myself in my own little world and don’t always realise when I’m being spoken to. I go from not wanting to clean the house to bat shit crazy cleaning frenzies. I go from not hungry and skipping lunch to full on starvation mode. There’s no i between at the moment so even if I seem like I’ve got it together and my emotions are in check there’s so much more to it. I need to get this said I need people to know even If I look fine it’s just a pretence, it’s all for keeping up appearances. 

Avoidance 

I’ve gotta be brief because it’s not something I tend to talk about on here too many people I know have the link to read. This is not common knowledge so I can’t go into detail.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts I avoid places because of anxiety and the reasons behind that particular anxiety haven’t been revealed. Anyway I’d been having a hard time and going to V’s house in an area I avoid has been hard but I’ve been pushing myself to do it. 


I’ve had a couple of really good days. Almost felt normal. We went shopping yesterday and I quite confidently bought myself some new clothes. Clothes I wouldn’t normally buy because I don’t generally dress causally but I bought some jumper dresses and causal tops and some jeans. Today feeling confident in my new ripped jeans and plain black jumper I headed to the Christmas market with my husband and children. We’d been there about half an hour, the kids saw the reindeer and saw santa and went on a ride. We headed across to the opposite side of the market and I looked up to see someone I didn’t want to see stood at his stall. I panicked. My mouth went dry and I thought I was going to be sick. He saw me and I knew by his face he recognised me I left I found the stay once I knew he was there I couldn’t stay. I let my eldest go on one more ride but while they were all on the ride the tears fell. 


My husband knew something was wrong I went from comfortable and happy and ok to snappy and my mood completely changed. I’ve been tearful all afternoon. I don’t know why I let him bother me, I don’t know why I let my anxiety over this get me down. I was doing ok for a few days I thought I was getting back on track and getting back to normal. Yet again I get pulled back down. 

Extra support 

On Thursday we had the new health visitor come for a home visit to seeme about my youngest boys delayed development. She was lovely and very understanding. They are thinking he’s maybe not as delayed as I first thought other then the obvious gross motor that he’s having physio for. 

She’s obviously read my notes as she knew about my eldest sons awaiting diagnosis for autism, she obviously has to read up on the youngest medical history and why he would be delayed. She knew I have post natal depression and anxiety and despite my best efforts to throw her off the scent and say that I was doing ok it didn’t work. I didn’t want them knowing i wasn’t doing well because a few months ago I was fine. I’m just having a low spell. She’s going to come up again and often as I need for extra support as I’m only getting support from home start. Home start are fab and the family support worker we have is amazing. She’s provided no end of help. 


Kind of feel relieved to get more help as it might just prevent that trip to the Drs. Or if I go to the Drs I can say I don’t want to just be handed a prescription and sent on my way. Talking helps me having someone I can chat to now helps someone to reassure me I’m not crazy and the anxiety I feel is normal for what I’ve been through with my youngest. Something like that stays with you seeing your baby on a ventilator never goes away. I’m hoping it will help having someone else to talk to. The only problem I have is she doesn’t know the main cause of my aniexty and low mood at the mo. She doesn’t know I have support meetings with an outside charity. It’s not something I’m sure I can confide in her about. It took along time to tell anyone else I’m not sure I can go through it with someone new again. 

Heart mum problems

So having a child with a heart defect really isn’t easy. I guess I’m relatively lucky that my little one doesn’t really have that many problems with his heart now but he still has a residual vsd. 

When he gets poorly whether is a common cold or any other illness I immediately think it’s something more serious. It’s inbuilt in me to think the worst. My little one now 19 months picks up ilnesses and infections quickly. He’s picked up a viral infection as soon as he started coughing I took him to the doctors to be checked in case it was a chest infection. I swear they look at me like I’m crazy but once they see his scar they realise I’m not. 

It’s reassuring that I’ve asked other heart mums if they overly worry and thank his they said they do. All the time. I’m glad it’s not just me worrying over minor illnesses. What other parents don’t realise is when your child has been through so much at such a young age they are even more precious. When doctors have stopped your baby’s heart and it’s been worked by machines you wonder if it’s ever going to re start itself. So while a viral infection is not nice for healthy children it’s harder for children with heart issues. They are at bigger risk from infection, their hearts have to work harder, their bodies have to work harder and it’s knocks the wind out of them. I see my snotty little baby struggling with this viral infection and I go right back to feeling helpless. 

Mums with healthy babies should be so grateful they haven’t had to deal with what us heart mums have, don’t ever be dramatic about “poorly” children when they haven’t had open heart surgery where infections can be life threatening or a lot more serious. 

Don’t compare your child to mine because it’s not a competition to see who has it worse. I’m my own worst enemy because I compare development stages and I shouldn’t so don’t do it for me. Be there to support me when I say my baby isn’t feeling well don’t just presume it’s nothing it’s never nothing with heart babies. 

Ok


I’ve had an ok weekend. I’ve felt ok not brilliant not low just ok. My parents in law came for the weekend which was nice. I’ve not really been feeling great for a long time so to feel ok is an improvement. 


I’ve kept myself busy all weekend to try keep any anxiety at bay. Aniexty and worry over Christmas presents is starting to subside. 


I have a home visit from a health visitor coming up on Thursday feeling anxious as I’m not 100% sure why it’s a home visit and why she’s coming. I think it’s because I want to know more about my youngest one’s development and how far behind he is. It’s been upsetting and I know I shouldn’t compare because they haven’t been through what he has. It just makes it so much harder when even you’re own family shove it down your throat. They don’t get how much it upsets me and how it affects me. They don’t know me not even a little bit. They don’t understand how much I can struggle on a daily basis and how lonely it is to keep this secret and pretend I have my shit together. My real family are my friends the ones who see my smile and know I’m close to tears. They are the ones who encourage me and get how proud little moments make me. I’m never good enough for my family and neither are my boys and I have no idea why. I’m only good enough when they want a favour. 


I’m already dreading this Drs appointment in a few weeks and I’m bit convinced I wanna go. I really don’t want to go on medication i so want to sort this myself. I’ve seen people who can’t reduce their dose, who go on epic rants when they run out of tablets and go into massive meltdowns threatening to murder their children (in jest). I cannot be one of those people. This person isn’t a close friend and I’m not having a dig at anyone. I just see what medication does to some people and I don’t want to rely on medication. I would agree to counselling or mindfulness etc but pills just aren’t for me. 

Admitting defeat


I’ve not had the best few days or even the best week to be fair, it’s been really tough facing old demons and fighting the low I’ve been feeling. 

Yesterday’s wasn’t doing too well today I’m not doing well at all. I’ve been fighting back tears pretty much all day. I went to the drop in support centre to take my little one to play and hoped to catch my support worker for a chat. As soon as I got there one of the family support workers handed me a leaflet and told me not to worry about ages of development and just look at what my little one can and can’t do. Well that had me in tears I told her about feeling down about other children who are doing so well and she told me not to let it get to me. Then I cried when a friend asked if I was ok, she reassured that my little one was doing brilliantly. I know he is it’s just I’m finding things hard at the mo. I know how well he’s doing 6 months ago he couldn’t sit from laying down and now he’s almost standing at things unaided. I know that but the depression in me is consuming all the good and only showing me the bad. 


I caught my support worker for a talk and cried more. Properly broke down in flooods of tears. I explained that all the anxiety of last week has made me feel so run down, I’m not sleeping well either which then affects everything else. She’s suggested I make a doctors appointment and if I feel in a few weeks I don’t need it I can cancel it. I’ve made it that’s the easy bit, going to the actual appointment if I do decide to go is the hard bit. It’s admitting defeat. Admitting that I do need help from meds. It’s just not me it’s not who I am. I have nothing against anyone who take any form of medication I just choose not to unless I really have to. I guess it’s come to the point where I am having to consider it being an option. I’m grateful I have the support i have. Without their support I honestly don’t know where I’d be. 

Support

I mentioned in the last post that I was having other support sessions from a different charity. I had another meeting today and again I’m surprised at how freely I spoke. When I first started seeing this lady I barely spoke. I just cried all the time. I don’t know how she does it but she gets me to open up to her like I would if I were writing my blog. I know it’s part of her training  but I also think it’s the actual person you speak to aswell. 

I don’t know what I’m getting out of other then the chance to talk about things that are affecting my life. She’s making me see things from a different perspective. I really need to re train my mind and think differently about situations. She’s made me see things that I wouldn’t have seen for myself. I don’t think I realise how much my life has changed over the last 19 months and how badly post natal depression is actually affecting me. I love my sons with every fibre of my being, but it’s been really hard with each of their issues and my own. There was things I said today that I haven’t said to anyone else. 

I’m numb, most of the day wanting to cry but not actually being able to but as I write this the tears are falling freely now. It’s as I sit down for the night and think about everything it hits me. Everything I’ve spoken about how honest I’ve been and airing things I’ve kept buried away In  fear of judgment. Fear of actually saying these things. I know for the greater good that it’s better for me to open up and air my feelings and it kind of feels like a relief to do it.