Today has been one of those really awful days. Despite it being half term my 5 year old decides to wake up before 6am every morning. I’ve not made any plans for us to go anywhere during half term so boredom and being out of his routine is playing havoc with him.
Since the moment he got up I knew, I just had this gut feeling today was gonna be a bad day. And didn’t it half prove me right. Nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did kept him happy. I took him out, we painted and sat with his Samsung tab for a while. I know it’s nothing majorly exciting but I couldn’t do much with him he’s still not feeling well.
I asked for help, I was struggling with him. I didn’t get help I was just left to it to struggle on. I sat in tears feeling like such an awful mother. Wondering what they must think of me. “Pathetic she can’t cope with her own kid” “it’s only the third day and she can’t cope – crap mother” this is what they must be thinking.
It took a lot of guts and courage to ask for help today knowing how bad it would look on my part. Knowing how stupid I would look in asking. I mean I could have not said anything and struggled alone anyway but they are there to help. I’m on my own 7:30am 5 mornings a week until 5:20pm with both kids. I’m not getting housework done, I’m not getting physio done and I’m not getting a break. I’m knackered physically and mentally exhausted and who’s there to talk to? No-one. I’m a mess. I’m stressed and I’m turning into a snappy horrible monster. My kids deserve better.
If I wasn’t such an under confident moron I’d be going to the Drs to ask for help but they also think I’m useless and crazy and dramatic. I was looking at going back and talking to them telling them I’m struggling but meds will get thrown at me and right now believe me I’m tempted but in my eyes it’s failure. I already feel like a failure as it is. I can’t ask family for help I can’t ask anyone anymore.
I’ll just sit here and cry alone as always.